Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • Tourism Rule No. 23: Blend In

    blend in

    Call me picky, but this isn’t how one blends in when wandering about Detroit.

  • Air Travel Probability

    1. At the exact moment you choose to use the airplane lavatory, the fasten seat belt light will come on
    2. The size of the persons on either side of you are directly proportional to the amount of claustrophobia you exhibit
    3. The more sleep deprived you are, the more the person next to you will talk (loudly) about themselves, eat loudly or make rude bodily noises
    4. The last douchebag on the plane will be the first one to scream that he needs to exit the plane now
    5. Aviophobia sufferers (fear of flying) are the sole cause of plane turbulence
    6. The more engrossing your book is, the louder a baby will cry behind you
    7. The hungrier you are, the higher the probability is that the flight will not have food service
    8. The hotter the flight attendant, the more likely it is they will be working the other section of the plane
    9. The tighter your connecting flight times are, the later your first flight will be
    10. The weaker the air vents, the worse the person next to you will stink

    Which ones did I miss? Tell us which ones you know.

  • Friday Saturday Question #11

     

    Have you ever tried to fasten your seatbelt and realized you were in an ordinary chair?

     

  • Things I Learned from Movies, Police Chiefs

    1. All police chiefs are balding, pudgy, African-American mustachioed men, 50 years-old with hair-trigger tempers.
    2. Police Chiefs are magical creatures that can only be summoned into one of three sacred shrines: a detective’s office, behind the interrogation glass, and the office water cooler. They have not homes, nor spouses nor lives outside of the force. Appease them with offerings of stale donuts and old coffee.
    3. Police Chiefs don a mandatory wardrobe consisting of black trousers and a white, striped dress shirt with one silver pen in the pocket and a black necktie. There are no exceptions to this rule.
    4. Police Chiefs have the power to suspend detectives and cops without Internal Affairs inquiries or union interference.
    5. A Police Chief will always suspect a detective of using violence without bothering to investigate the source of the complaint or taking past performance into account.
    6. Police Chief communication is similar to that of the Howler Monkey: loud, ceaseless, and audible from 10 kilometers away.
    7. Police Chiefs are notorious for spilling scalding hot coffee on themselves, however they suffer no burns or ill effects later on.
    8. Police Chiefs are a gullible lot, easily fooled by puckish detectives who are able to scam them with the most clichéd of tactics.
    9. Police Chiefs, as harbingers of death, frequently purchase birthday cakes for detectives. However, the wise detective will shun these baked goods, for once the first bite is taken, that detective will receive a phone call with news that someone close has died.
    10. Police Chiefs will invariably have the oldest and messiest desks in the station.
    11. Police Chiefs frequently carry hypertension pills for their weak heart, which they will refer to as their bum ticker.
    12. In addition to coffee and donuts, Police Chiefs subsist on a strict diet of items purchased from an aging vending machine. Like scavengers, they will occasionally pilfer cold pizza from a desk or a jar of olives from the station refrigerator.
    13. A Police Chief will frequently complain his doctor is “getting on my case about my diet,” however, since Chiefs never leave their desks, the possibility of a Police Chief even knowing a doctor is quite slim.

    What have you learned about Police Chiefs?

  • More People We Can Safely Dislike #21

    1. The person(s) responsible for the musical selections playing ambiently in malls
    2. Indecisive lane-riders
    3. People who buy 398 items, freak out at the total, then force the cashier to remove each item one at a time until they can afford it
    4. Ann Coulter (always)
    5. Those who doubt the awesomeness of Kenny Powers
    6. People who cannot stop talking about American Idol
    7. Neighbors who mow the lawn at 4AM
    8. Hacks who blame their bad behavior on their “artistic temperament”
    9. Men who wear sweat pants with sport coats to restaurants. Just stop it.
    10. People who read me their poetry when I didn’t ask

    Who do you dislike this week?

  • Overheard

    Girl 1: “I said ‘Ew!’ Like ‘Oh!’ with an accent.”
    Girl 2: “Oh.”
    Girl 1: “Yeah, but ‘ew’.”
    [slight pause as they look at boy on street]
    Girl 1: “So I lost my panties at Jane’s but I bought some new ones. So it’s OK.”
    Girl 2: “You did?”
    Girl 1: “OK, so super cute. Yellow with blue. Like string bikinis. But…”
    Girl 1: “Oh fuck, I left those at Jane’s too.”
    Girl 2: “Aw.”
    Girl 1: “Yeah.”
    Both: “Ew!”

    Also:
    Share photos on twitter with Twitpic

  • How to Perplex Waitstaff

    Last night, Chris Brogan, Amber Naslund, Lizz and myself were at one of those social media speaker suck-up dinners. We found the following ways to amuse ourselves during an otherwise stiff uneventful dinner party.

    1. After they remove the salad plates, hide all flatware, placemats and napkins. Look longingly at the other place settings.
    2. After receiving a new place setting, add all of your previous settings to this one or, as we did, give them all to one person and let them determine which of nine forks to use. When we did this, our waiter’s head literally did a loop like in a cartoon.
    3. Change the names of the menu items very slightly. If waitstaff hear only a few recognizable syllables, they will generally bring you the correct item. We ordered the Creepy Sea Bass and Scared NY Strip. And for dessert? The Creme Brutale.
    4. Ask for ketchup no matter what you’ve ordered. Especially in an upscale restaurant.
    5. Find a way to use up all the ketchup and order more.

    What ways can you think of to perplex waitstaff?

  • No drunk texting, please

    Everyone has that drunk friend. You know the one. Great person until alcohol has been imbibed. And everyone has a different reaction to alcohol. I’m Irish. I hate to stereotype my ancestors, but goddamn can we put it away! I never believed I could drink a lot until I started noticing that all my friends would hit the floor when I was just feeling a mild buzz.

    I don’t slur when I’m drunk. I don’t stagger, nor do I drunk dial, drunk text or make statements I need to apologize for the next day. But there’s one thing that happens to me that gives my friends no end of amusement. I lose all sense of direction. Jesus could point me directly to the stairway to heaven and I’d end up in Satan’s executive washroom. It’s that bad.

    So how about you? What do you do when heavily intoxicated?

  • Friday Question #16

     

    Twitter: Brilliant social app, or the fastest way to annoy friends ever devised?

     

  • Friday Question #15

     

    Is it really swine flu, or a government coverup to hide the real threat: Battle Toads!

     

  • Friday Question #14

     

    Where did you hide it?

     

  • Blogging Tips for Beginners

    A lot of people write me and ask me how to make their blog as ground-shakingly popular like this one. Are there any magic formulas for winning blog content? You bet there are! Here are some simple Google searches to perform that will give you content for years to come. Simply combine two words that are not normally seen in close proximity to one another, enter into Google Images and the search results will give you the basis for many meaningful, influential posts! One exception: Pants may be combined with any other word.

    1. awesome unicorn
    2. squirrel workout
    3. uncomfortable pants [MNSFW]
    4. bacon explosion
    5. origami platypus
    6. executive pterodactyl
    7. fish pedicure
    8. happy pants
    9. mysterious knees
    10. What search terms would you look up?