Air Travel Probability

12 June, 2009Posted inObservations15 Comments
At the exact moment you choose to use the airplane lavatory, the fasten seat belt light will come on The size of the persons on either side of you are directly proportional to the amount of claustrophobia you exhibit The more sleep deprived you are, the more the person next to you will talk (loudly) about themselves, eat loudly or make rude bodily noises The last douchebag on the plane will be the first one to scream that he needs to exit the plane now Aviophobia sufferers (fear of flying) are the sole cause of plane turbulence The more engrossing…

Things I Learned from Movies, Police Chiefs

24 May, 2009Posted inObservations14 Comments
All police chiefs are balding, pudgy, African-American mustachioed men, 50 years-old with hair-trigger tempers. Police Chiefs are magical creatures that can only be summoned into one of three sacred shrines: a detective’s office, behind the interrogation glass, and the office water cooler. They have not homes, nor spouses nor lives outside of the force. Appease them with offerings of stale donuts and old coffee. Police Chiefs don a mandatory wardrobe consisting of black trousers and a white, striped dress shirt with one silver pen in the pocket and a black necktie. There are no exceptions to this rule. Police Chiefs…

More People We Can Safely Dislike #21

21 May, 2009Posted inObservations28 Comments
The person(s) responsible for the musical selections playing ambiently in malls Indecisive lane-riders People who buy 398 items, freak out at the total, then force the cashier to remove each item one at a time until they can afford it Ann Coulter (always) Those who doubt the awesomeness of Kenny Powers People who cannot stop talking about American Idol Neighbors who mow the lawn at 4AM Hacks who blame their bad behavior on their "artistic temperament" Men who wear sweat pants with sport coats to restaurants. Just stop it. People who read me their poetry when I didn't ask Who…

Overheard

18 May, 2009Posted inObservations20 Comments
Girl 1: "I said 'Ew!' Like 'Oh!' with an accent." Girl 2: "Oh." Girl 1: "Yeah, but 'ew'." [slight pause as they look at boy on street] Girl 1: "So I lost my panties at Jane's but I bought some new ones. So it's OK." Girl 2: "You did?" Girl 1: "OK, so super cute. Yellow with blue. Like string bikinis. But…" Girl 1: "Oh fuck, I left those at Jane's too." Girl 2: "Aw." Girl 1: "Yeah." Both: "Ew!" Also:

How to Perplex Waitstaff

13 May, 2009Posted inObservations19 Comments
Last night, Chris Brogan, Amber Naslund, Lizz and myself were at one of those social media speaker suck-up dinners. We found the following ways to amuse ourselves during an otherwise stiff uneventful dinner party. After they remove the salad plates, hide all flatware, placemats and napkins. Look longingly at the other place settings. After receiving a new place setting, add all of your previous settings to this one or, as we did, give them all to one person and let them determine which of nine forks to use. When we did this, our waiter's head literally did a loop like…

No drunk texting, please

11 May, 2009Posted inObservations30 Comments
Everyone has that drunk friend. You know the one. Great person until alcohol has been imbibed. And everyone has a different reaction to alcohol. I'm Irish. I hate to stereotype my ancestors, but goddamn can we put it away! I never believed I could drink a lot until I started noticing that all my friends would hit the floor when I was just feeling a mild buzz. I don't slur when I'm drunk. I don't stagger, nor do I drunk dial, drunk text or make statements I need to apologize for the next day. But there's one thing that happens…

Blogging Tips for Beginners

20 April, 2009Posted inObservations19 Comments
A lot of people write me and ask me how to make their blog as ground-shakingly popular like this one. Are there any magic formulas for winning blog content? You bet there are! Here are some simple Google searches to perform that will give you content for years to come. Simply combine two words that are not normally seen in close proximity to one another, enter into Google Images and the search results will give you the basis for many meaningful, influential posts! One exception: Pants may be combined with any other word. awesome unicorn squirrel workout uncomfortable pants [MNSFW]…