If you could have a soundtrack play whenever you entered a room, what would it be?
Year: 2009
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Bye-bye, sumbitch
Bush leaves the Oval Office today and in completely unrelated news, a feces-throwing monkey is on the loose.
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I shit you not
I travel for work a lot and my kittens have not been too happy about it. Last night, I figured I would make it up to them. I gave them catnip, brushed them, played with them for nearly two hours and told them they could sleep on the bed with me. The older one (Z) was clearly happy with this arrangement. Ninja, however, was wound up and hyperactive.
All night he ran around, knocking over anything that wasn’t nailed down. So I locked him out of my bedroom. For the entire night. He wasn’t too happy about that. You should know that the litter boxes are kept in the Florida room, and the only access to that room is through my now-locked bedroom.
You should also know, like many kittens, Ninja enjoys unrolling toilet paper. So after a night of being a terror, it was no surprise to see the current (entire) roll on the floor. An eagle’s aerie lined with double-ply absorbency. My other kitten Z, began sniffing at the nest cautiously. I lifted up some of the toilet paper and found Ninja had pooped on the toilet paper and “buried it” with more toilet paper. Such a smart little boy.
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Things I Learned from Movies, Ninjas
- Modern Ninjas are generally six foot-tall white or Asian males, unmarried, who live on islands working as bodyguards for evil, French billionaires.
- Guard dogs cannot kill or overpower Ninjas, no matter how large or well-trained.
- Ninjas are not only silent — they’re mute from birth. They moonlight as mimes.
- Orphaned, white teenagers invariably become better at Ninjitsu than the 80 year-old Japanese masters who taught them.
- Ninja clans can hold grudges longer than the Middle East.
- Ninjas frequently hold practice sessions in abandoned New York warehouses that somehow still have electricity, but no rat or roach problems.
- Ninjas inevitably meet their end fighting in death matches held by their evil, French billionaire bosses.
- Despite their secrecy, Ninjas are actually quite easy to encounter or hire.
- When it comes to the discriminating, evil French billionaire, an army of Ninjas is the preferred weapon of choice over nuclear weapons, computer viruses, bio-terrorism or rabid Yorkies.
What have you learned about Ninjas?
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Things I Learned from Movies, Serial Killers
- If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died.
- If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map.
- Teenage sex attracts serial killers and cannibals.
- If you stab a serial killer, you will only be able to stab him just above the collarbone—an area that neither hurts him, not affects his ability to use his arm.
- While the skin of a serial killer can burn, his internal organs are flame-retardant, allowing him to survive explosions, 3rd degree burns and blow-torches.
- In any group of teenagers, the hottest girl will date the biggest asshole (he will also die the worst death).
- Serial killers can make less noise tromping through dead leaves than a snail on glass.
- Women running will invariably trip over an invisible branch. Wearing nothing but lingerie will increase the odds of tripping by roughly 50%.
- Serial killers are also bullet-proof. Bullets actually give them more strength and are quickly absorbed into their bloodstream like multi-vitamins.
- Serial killers cannot drown. They will simply relax underwater for several minutes, then silently creep up on you without dripping water.
- Never stand within arms’ reach of a dead serial killer. This will resurrect him and he will grab your ankle (or the bloody machete you left next to him).
- Virginity protects nerdy, bookish women from serial killers.
- Local police do not believe in the existence of serial killers. The surgical removal of all limbs was clearly the result of a tragic accident.
- Despite crime statistics showing most serial killers are “the guy next door,” according to Hollywood, serial killers all live in remote, backwoods regions that are invariably well-stocked with machetes, chain saws, Samurai swords, razor ribbon and military-grade explosives.
- Serial killers, fed on a protein-rich diet of teenage livers and spleen kabobs, develop powerful muscles that enable them to punch through safety glass, saunter through solid, brick walls and tear the roofs off of sedans as easily as opening an envelope.
- Serial killers have two fashion preferences: Cannibal Chic, a stunning ensemble consisting of hand-torn flannels and leather, accented with pentagrams, bird bones, animal heads and rusted chain suspenders. The other look — The Custodian — is more conservative. Look for a full-body jumpsuit with a monochromatic color scheme, finished with a blood-tinted hockey mask.
What have you learned about serial killers?
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FridaySaturday Question #2A day late, but I did post yesterday.
If it was any bigger, would it break the bank?
And here’s another question from Mandy (Locke, not MandyFish). “the girls who read your blog self-refer to ourselves as zilla girls. i never hear the boys call themselves zilla boys. i have a suggestion. since we’re like your posse, would could be like villains, but you know “zillains“.
Zillains. I like it. What do you all think? If you re in favor of it, I will start a Cafe Press store for Zillain swag.
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How to sit through an all-day meeting
- 8:00AM: Listen attentively. Take fastidious notes that would put a science reporter to shame.
- 9:00AM: Tap chin with pen while slightly lifting brows to appear highly engrossed.
- 10:00AM: Take a relaxed sidelong glance at the clock for no reason. Notice a thirst developing.
- 10:15AM: Finally let out for a 15 minute break. Crack a joke about bladder control with coworker, grab another coffee and cringe when team leader says time’s up.
- 11:38PM: Stare incessantly at clock waiting for lunch hour.
- 12:00PM: Turn white-faced in horror when team leader announces that we should “really go till 12:30 to get through as much of this as possible before lunch.”
- 12:36PM: Vow to murder the catering company who still hasn’t delivered lunch.
- 12:41PM: Lunch arrives; cold. Promise to only maim the caterers out in the parking lot and leave them with a pronounced limp.
- 2:00PM: Drowsiness sets in. Multiple attempts to prevent eyelid flutter. Unexpectedly interesting sentence snaps you out of it long enough to form a decent question.
- 3:00PM: Momentary glance at cell phone. Silly Twitter messages break up boredom.
- 4:00PM: Aha! Four already! In the homestretch now.
- 4:10PM: Look back up at clock. How can it have only been 10 minutes? It should be 5:00 already.
- 4:15PM: Frantic glance back at clock. Begin thinking of after work plans. Prepare excuse to leave right at five for a “previous engagement” since it’s too late in the day for the dental appointment excuse.
- 4:16PM: Seriously? One minute? Calm yourself.
- 4:22PM: Begin burning holes in the clock with your heat vision.
- 4:37PM: Hey! It passed 4:30 and you didn’t even notice. Things should be wrapping up now.
- 4:39PM: Any second now.
- 4:41PM: Q&A? Dammit! Annoying coworker asks a two-part question to appear important. Apple polisher.
- 4:45PM: Dismayed that answer is taking longer than you anticipated. Receive evil glares from coworkers.
- 4:58PM: Finally! Begin packing up laptop only to hear annoying coworker ask one more question.
- 5:10PM: Stare at coworker in horror as he asks more sub-questions.
- 5:12PM: Stand up quickly as speaker finishes answering only to have boss ask everyone to go around and give their opinions and thank yous to the speaker before leaving.
- 5:47PM: Faint.
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