2009 New Years Resolutions

31 December, 2008Posted inObservations23 Comments
As has been the custom on this site since 1994, I am posting my New Years Resolutions. I try to make mine easily attainable so I don't get down on myself midway through the year. I resolve not to accept a Sloppy Joe from a Maori Cannibal I resolve not to incite our distant cousins—the Langurs—into an all-out revolt against their human overlords I resolve not to invent a beer called Stupid Douchebags Enjoying Time Off With Their Relatives I resolve not to watch any shows starring Howie Mandel, Rachel Ray or Abe Vigoda I resolve not to dress and…

My Crazy Neighbors

30 December, 2008Posted inFreaks, wtf20 Comments
OK, well they;re not direct neighbors. I'm a mile south of them. Every year this couple goes a little overboard with the decorating and packs on the weird—even for Royal Oak. Rather than describe it, I've recorded it on my cell phone so you too can share in our private hell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P68eP6PkEWQ This display will be up until around May or so, when they get ready for Halloween.

Things I Learned from Medical Ads

25 December, 2008Posted inObservations24 Comments
All senior citizen couples live on the beach, are both still living and have a Golden Retriever All women laugh and dance in meadows during their periods Overweight people cannot date or go on vacations until they are on a weight loss medication Erectile dysfunction happens to handsome men who suffer no signs of depression over it, in fact, they seem downright happy about it The side effects of drugs are generally worse than the condition they purport to cure or control You can get drugs for conditions you didn't know required drugs Women frequently discuss tampons while swinging on…

An Open Letter to All Friend Requests on Facebook

20 December, 2008Posted inObservations13 Comments
Thank you for trying to add me as a friend because you:read my blogsaw me speak at your conferencewant me to fix your computerwant me to link to your blog so you'll be "popular, real fast"are stalking my girlfriendI'd love to reciprocate, however I have a few prerequisites, so bear with me. I will probably NOT add you if……your profile photo is a shitty pencil drawing of yourself that you did one weekend on the beach when you were drunk and "artistically inspired" but actually looks like you are an epileptic Yeti with no feet…you only have one friend and…