Tag: Observations
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Possible new jobs for Donald Rumsfeld
President of the Liars Club Hidden Mine Finder New Orleans Levee Inspector Internet’s First Spam Editor Toilet Paper Roll Holder for the Iraqi government Anal Toy Tester Barbara Bush’s newest lawn ornament Stunt double for Carrot Top Bullshit Taster What jobs do you think he should apply for? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic…
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What I hate when I have a migraine
Anyone operating a lawnmower, chainsaw, leafblower, snowblower, weed wacker; anything with a two stroke engine Anyone playing music I dislike Anyone with a brightly lit office Anyone walking loudly on the floor above me Anyone with too much cologne Anyone with garlicky food Anything that barks Anything that sings Anyone that is too perky Anyone…
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Notes to Self, No. 6,230-6,232
If you think wearing all white will get you mistaken for the Michelin Man, try wearing a white ski jacket downtown No matter how high you turn up the air on the plane, you will not cover up the foot odor of the shoeless professor across the aisle The effectiveness of a child’s scream on…
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What not to name your children
The following baby names are all unfortunately real. They get progressively worse. Precious Champagne Gene Pool Phred Brook Rainbow Trout Karizyma Cinsere Aryan Justice Lake Avalon Confession Abyss Sparkle N/A (I swear) Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone’s spawn) Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee’s brat) BILOXI, Miss. – Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that…
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A hatred of Hummers
Picking up where a post from March, 2002 left off, Natalie and I decided to write new collective nouns for specific brands of automobiles. A hatred of Hummers An embarrassment of PT Cruisers A granola of Subarus A weeping of Saabs A tuning of Civics An ickle of Mini Coopers A swarm of VW Beetles…
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Notes to Self No. 6,227-6,228
The probability of spilling coffee on an expensive, white shirt is determined by a ratio of the cost of the shirt versus the importance of the executives you have meetings with that day. Do not assume the 401 Hwy will be accident-free on a Friday night. It took 3-1/2 hours to drive 8 km last…
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More people we dislike #12
Clueless men who wear Crocs with business suits to work. This cannot be allowed to continue and I beseech all my loyal readers to grievously harm anyone attempting this. The balding, boorish Boomer—unacceptably impatient in line at the coffeehouse and swearing at everyone to hurry up—who had no idea what he wanted when his turn…
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English Teacher Pickup Lines
English Teacher Pickup Lines Care to split my infinitive? What’s an antonym for virginity? That’s quite a dangling modifier you’ve got there. I love the way you misuse the subjunctive, you naughty little minx. You always know how to find the predicate in my clause. Let me be the first to complement your subject. Show…
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Shows I probably won’t see
Disney’s Waco on Ice Herpes! The Musical Bowling for Porcupine Mark Foley’s Bedtime Stories for Kids G.G. Allin Easter Special Pixar presents: The Mediocres The Creators of Stomp! bring you: Squish A Very Cthulhu Christmas The Spleen Monologues Which shows do you want to avoid? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does…
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Bad Cartoon Week, 7 of 7
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Automobile names that never caught on
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