Notes to Self, No. 6,230-6,232

If you think wearing all white will get you mistaken for the Michelin Man, try wearing a white ski jacket downtown No matter how high you turn up the air on the plane, you will not cover up the foot odor of the shoeless professor across the aisle The effectiveness of a child's scream on an airplane is directly proportional to the length of the flight and how much sleep you need viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for…

What not to name your children

The following baby names are all unfortunately real. They get progressively worse. Precious Champagne Gene Pool Phred Brook Rainbow Trout Karizyma Cinsere Aryan Justice Lake Avalon Confession Abyss Sparkle N/A (I swear) Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone's spawn) Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee's brat) BILOXI, Miss. - Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he'd get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center. BBC News Online reports that Jon Blake Cusack, of Holland, Michigan, has named his son Version 2.0. Jythsaint Orielle-Floriane Zxyrill (only…

A hatred of Hummers

Picking up where a post from March, 2002 left off, Natalie and I decided to write new collective nouns for specific brands of automobiles. A hatred of Hummers An embarrassment of PT Cruisers A granola of Subarus A weeping of Saabs A tuning of Civics An ickle of Mini Coopers A swarm of VW Beetles A snobbery of BMWs An explosion of Pintos Please add your own suggestions viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects…

Notes to Self No. 6,227-6,228

The probability of spilling coffee on an expensive, white shirt is determined by a ratio of the cost of the shirt versus the importance of the executives you have meetings with that day. Do not assume the 401 Hwy will be accident-free on a Friday night. It took 3-1/2 hours to drive 8 km last night.

More people we dislike #12

Clueless men who wear Crocs with business suits to work. This cannot be allowed to continue and I beseech all my loyal readers to grievously harm anyone attempting this. The balding, boorish Boomer—unacceptably impatient in line at the coffeehouse and swearing at everyone to hurry up—who had no idea what he wanted when his turn arrived. Politicians who try to brainwash their countrymen through bullying and repetition, then change their minds and feign sudden amnesia. People who say Hispanic, when they mean Spanish language. The rude bastard at the office that takes one bite out of a donut and puts…

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English Teacher Pickup Lines

English Teacher Pickup Lines Care to split my infinitive? What's an antonym for virginity? That's quite a dangling modifier you've got there. I love the way you misuse the subjunctive, you naughty little minx. You always know how to find the predicate in my clause. Let me be the first to complement your subject. Show me your direct object and I'll show you mine. You can take my infinitive object; with or without actors! Tell me all about your past progressive. You certainly know how to use other tenses in conjunction with simple tenses.

Shows I probably won’t see

Disney’s Waco on Ice Herpes! The Musical Bowling for Porcupine Mark Foley’s Bedtime Stories for Kids G.G. Allin Easter Special Pixar presents: The Mediocres The Creators of Stomp! bring you: Squish A Very Cthulhu Christmas The Spleen Monologues Which shows do you want to avoid? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without…

Bad Cartoon Week, 7 of 7

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Automobile names that never caught on

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How to Speak Project Manager

When they say, "How's the work coming along?" they really mean, "I am not missing my lunch break over you." When they say, "I'm glad you were assigned to this," they really mean, "Nobody else was stupid enough to work on this." When they say, "We need to manage the client top down," they really mean, "You're at the bottom of the pecking order and shit flows downstream." When they say, "This project will require your utmost attention," they really mean, "Don't screw this up. My review is next week." When they say, "Let's take this offline to discuss," they…

Worst things about dating a Werewolf

Having to take them out for walksies at midnight Finding 18"flea collars They crotch sniff your boss at the company Christmas party Finding your sex toys chewed up behind the sofa The bones buried in the backyard look human The high turnover of mailmen Knowing that the tongue was last used as toilet paper When you play tennis with them, they growl and won't give up the ball Always wondering if, "I had some friends for dinner," should be taken literally Two words: leg humping viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy…