What not to name your children

The following baby names are all unfortunately real. They get progressively worse.

  1. Precious Champagne
  2. Gene Pool
  3. Phred
  4. Brook Rainbow Trout
  5. Karizyma
  6. Cinsere
  7. Aryan Justice
  8. Lake Avalon
  9. Confession
  10. Abyss
  11. Sparkle
  12. N/A (I swear)
  13. Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone’s spawn)
  14. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee’s brat)
  15. BILOXI, Miss. – Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he’d get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center.
  16. BBC News Online reports that Jon Blake Cusack, of Holland, Michigan, has named his son Version 2.0.
  17. Jythsaint
  18. Orielle-Floriane
  19. Zxyrill (only in Alberta)
  20. And to round the list off, here is an actual post from a mom-to-be on a baby names forum: “In a few months I’m going to be a new mom, and we know its a girl. My dh and I have been discussing names lately (we already have six children: Jack Dominick, Rose Solenne, Monroe Charlize, Ophelia Eden, Heart Scarlett, Pascal Sebastien)”.
    While I never advocate violence, this woman and her “dh” need to be punched really hard.
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Show 76 Comments


  1. Spud

    Her dh and kindred spirits should be lined up against a wall and pelted with flowers, yeah flowers, that’ll show em to get all looney with their kids names.

  2. Stephanie

    My uncle works at a hospital and he told me that this one lady whom had just given birth, overheard the doctor use the word “Macomium” and thought that it was pretty so that is what she named her child. Unfortunately, it means “baby’s first sh*t in medical terminology. Hopefully this kid won’t be going to med school. 😛

  3. floyde loyde and boyde

    21. anything with oyde
    22. anything realated to a cleanser. Lysol and bleach are not names. I know someone who WAS named bleach.
    23. anything related to a condom… your child will hate you.

  4. slave2oshun

    dh? designated hitter? :wtf:

  5. What about Penn Jillete’s kids

    Its something like:

    his daughter: Moxi Crimefighter
    and his son: Zultan

    Im not sure about the spelling though 😉

  6. Timm

    Gee! I guess being called “Timmy” isn’t so bad afterall.

  7. dee

    I gotta be honest with y’all. A guy I went to high school with named his son Sincere. I don’t know how he spells it though.
    I also have a neighbor who’s got three kids named Dallis, Houstyn and a boy named Austin.geek:
    As for the lady with six kids, what’s so bad about those names.

  8. Marcus

    Let’s remember Dweezel and Moonunit Zappa.
    I live in Thailand and I have a few friends with strange nicknames.

    Dum = Black “Hello my name is Dum”
    Moo = Pig, not really, but could be.
    Odd = don’t know what it means
    Mud = don’t know what it means

    I am hungry for pumpkin pie. Do you think they would share a pumpkin?

    epitaph – DOD = Dead from drink.

  9. Marcus

    Oh, I just remembered one more. Kosmos Shiva, Nina Haagen’s daughter’s name.

  10. I predict their seventh child shall be named Kahlua Cthulhu.

  11. cbatdux

    Went to school with Robin Sparrow.

  12. mikeB

    [Comment ID #79252 will be quoted here]

    That was f-ing brilliant, Nikki. (bows)

  13. I want to name a child Fire so I can legally yell at it in a crowded cinema.

  14. Spud

    I wonder if anyone has named their child Fuckyou, hilarity could also ensue from the calling of this childs name.


  15. mikeB

    [Comment ID #79249 will be quoted here]

    What’s so bad about those names? Come on. If you met a boy named Pascal Sebastien, you’d kick the cowboy shit out of him and not a court in the land would convict you.

  16. Spud

    Oh, just incase anyone thought may be a trifle over the top, I once had some customers who’s last name was Farkass, I shit you not, hilarity always ensued when one of our kids answered the phone and then yelled out “Hey dad, Mrs Fuckass is on the phone”

    Ah, happy daze.


  17. family jules

    Back in high school in the 70’s, I knew a kid who was short, skinny, and looked a lot like Bill Gates when he was 12 or so, with thick glasses. But his parents should have been shot on sight because they saddled him with the name Flavian Bonderer. He was a nice kid, but the kids in our school were mean, and all us geeks got picked on. Hey Flav, if you’re reading this, Treewoman says hi.

    He got his dues, though. Last I heard, he was a Marine. Hoo-rah! Flav-or FLAVE!

  18. tander

    I knew of a family in Tennessee (neighbor of a friend) that had a daughter named Juanita. She saw it in a baby book and thought it a lovely name. Problem was, she pronounced it “Jew-Ann-Neeta”.

    Hilarity ensued, even in Tennessee.

  19. sledge

    Sleazoid Q phudpucker or Shitheels

  20. junkman

    my wife and i played with naming our son after our fathers, robert and claude.
    bobby claude. good for a laugh but not the final decision.

    given all the comments today that contained this line i think i will plan my epitaph to read “hilarity ensues”.

    that’s how you have to swim in russia. so many people drown from drunken vodka swimming.

  21. madam

    you think these names are bad, try living in the hood 🙄

  22. Sher

    Open legs and her dh should name #7 Burden 2 Society.
    BTW , how can a woman with 6 kids call herself a new MOM? WTF ❗

  23. Mick

    In my school I had Loftus Archibald Fitzwater III, and Kermit Winslow.

  24. alecto

    Never name your kid after the motel they were concevied in. That is just begging for theripy.

    Never name your kid after your favorite tv or movie character. No kid wants to be named: Buffy, Terminator, Spike, Honey or Gaylord. If you didn’t already know this, you have no right to pro-create. 😈

  25. Myra

    We have an employee whose name is Larry Billy. That’s bad even for the south. And how about the Phoenix kids – Leaf, River and Joaquin? I named my kids ordinary names like Dan and Jeff. Also know someone who is a real Matrix fan who named their kids Neo and Trinity. Enough already!

  26. Infernos

    I went to high school with a guy named Skillet.

    The worst I’ve seen is Grei Pillows

  27. MJaz

    OK a few (all true) here:

    first : (from an old job) An illiterate family went for the “glamourous” name.. I guess it was supposed to be “Mystique”.. but they named the child “Mystaque” – say it out loud – Mistake!

    second: Along the lines of the “meconium” incident – an former co-workers mom was from rural Tennesee, and babies were just starting to be born in hospitals. Her roommate didn’t know what to name her daughter and saw a pretty word on some papers. The nurses went into a panic, and whispered to the roommate what the word meant – and baby “Vagina” was spared!

    Other names I have seen through work:

    Virginia Hamm
    Caliope Jones
    Bong Huit

    and a personal favorite:

    Richard Limp… imagine last name first w/ nickname? Limp, Dick. :limp:

    Have a great day all =)

  28. MJaz

    OMG!! How did I forget?? Mike Hunt !! LOL

  29. Da Popster

    Mung ? ❓

  30. Spanky

    I had a friend who worked in the public school system. She used to keep track of the weirdest ones. Unfortunately, these are all reall children’s names (at least until they’re old enough to change them):

    Shithead (It’s pronounced “shuh-THEED” — But you know that teacher’s looking at the roster on the first day, going… WTF???)

    Lemonjello (pronounced “leh-MON-shuhlo”) whose sibling is
    Oranjello (“or-AHN-shuhlo”)

    USSenator (“yus-sen-ATE-er”)

    And my personal fave… friend used to babysit for the Pancake family. Who named their daughter Bleu Barrie. I kid you not. Poor kid never stood a chance!! :wtf:

  31. Re: #9 – I think I know how that one happened. “Honey, I’ve got a Confession to make….”

    Re: #7 – Dammit, that was supposed to be MaryAnn Justice!

  32. Kangaroo

    OK, and this is for real, I know some people that named their kid Grynnon, their last name? Barrett. As in Grin and Bare it. I BEGGED them not to, I TOLD them he was going to be getting a regular ass kicking, but, they did it. Should have had My Parents Think I’m a Joke, or Just Kick My Ass tattooed at birth, on his forehead!!!!

  33. Klesko Fan

    I can verify the Grynnon Barrett name, that is my nephew. His parents should be tortured as he will be later on in life. I’m volunteering to do the torturing of the parents, anyone want to help? Please? LOL

  34. Raz

    I went to school with a kid Paris Francis Lundis.
    Hit parents should really share what they were smoking when they came up with that one! 😛

  35. pattyk0902

    Real names I encountered as a data entry clerk for school fundraiser firm:
    The PYE sisters: Sweetie & Cutie. (3rd grade twins with a future to be spent on a therapist’s couch)
    Real names my cousin’s (now) ex-husband picked for their sons: Colt, Ruger & Khyber – And yep, there’s now a restraining order against the gun nut!

  36. FISH

    I worked with a guy whos name was RICHARD HEAD, everyone called him Big Dick ( he was 6’6″)

  37. Hmmm. Reminded me of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s baby Apple! And, pointless waste of space Beckham’s children! 🙄

  38. Francesca

    My (ex) mother-in-law tried to force me to name my daughter after her… Lagathia! and my son after her brother… Woodley! That’s what I get for marrying into a backwards ass country family. Idiots. 😛

  39. thatonechick

    ophelia….heart scarlett….she watched alot of porn didn’t she? :limp:

  40. thatonechick

    i resent that francesca

  41. Francesca

    I went to school with a girl named Penny Nickels… I spent my high school years feeling bad for her. ❓

  42. thatonechick


  43. Francesca

    [Comment ID #79308 will be quoted here]

    good thing, for a second there I thought you were my Lagathia stalking me over the internet. :wtf:

  44. starsfan

    I went to school with a boy named Michael Bates… Everyone called him master bates.

  45. Jack

    How about Dick Trickle??

  46. Jim

    Good friend of mine had two sisters in his band class in Memphis:
    Lemonjello and Orangello: procounced: leh-MOHN-jello and or-AHN-jello

    Also from Memphis: Formicadinette & Samual Adams (his parents DID name him after the BEER!!!!). There are MANY more, but I just can’t think of them right now…

    From my mother-in-law as she processed paperwork from her hospital job: “Female,” pronounced: feh-MAHL-ee. Here’s the really bad part: She thought tha that the DOCTOR named her baby girl, because that’s what he put on the kid’s paperwork, so she thought it was a done deal or something!

  47. Pappy

    My mother works in the ER so she sees some lovely names. Here are a couple that she’s seen over the years:
    Anita Bath
    Shandra Leer
    Sandy Cheek
    Genita Cox (just wrong.)

  48. Aleisha

    Uhm, how about Daniboi (pronounced DANNY BOY) for a GIRL!!! Some people just dont THINK! :wtf:

  49. Ducatisti

    Went to school with:
    Penny Nichol (we called her ‘6 cents’)

    While working for the state, I came across some doozies, this is still my fave:
    Justin Case (I mean, what were the parents thinking? Just in case what??)

    And another:
    Oral Love

    All these folks still live in or near Salem, Oregon.

  50. dawn

    as a teacher, I’ve seen/heard some odd ones over the years (like Tana C., B. Focht, and the ever hated “Chastity”) but this year I’ve got TWO students whose first and last names are identical (like Bob Bob or Sam Sam). I teach math, so I just call them “(name) squared”. Now one of them has actually started signing his paper that way… LOL

  51. mesmereyes

    1. Honeyball ( i have actually met someone named this by their parents)
    4. Angel
    5. Wadine
    6. Avellana ( check out the spainish meaning)
    7. Stone
    8. Espe
    9. Drake
    10. Wren
    11. Suri
    12. Honeychyld
    13. Agnus
    14. Crovosier
    15. Montana
    16. Any type of gemstone (ruby, emerald, garnet, the like)
    19. Cutter
    20. Loinsworth

  52. 1. Enola

    Honest to God, I met a young girl named Enola once. She told me, “My daddy named me after an airplane.”

  53. Oh, also met a kid once — true story — named Reed A. Lott.

  54. Spud

    Girl I once knew – Sheila Blige

  55. Anna

    My dogs are named “Tony” and “Bennett”. The Dutch (I know) don’t think it’s funny when I call them.

  56. WCG

    A friend of mine used to work in the records department at a Ministry of Health. He told me that he used to see a tonne of little 5-year-old Neos and Trinitys.

  57. The Money family lived down the street from my mom while she was a child. They had three children: Cash, Penny and Nickel. They moved away…and another family moved in. One of the children was named Bewilder. Must’ve been the house.

  58. Lost it

    I was talking to my son about names for his son, and the only name he wants to use is ” don’t do it george ” that way he is never in trouble.

  59. cbatdux

    The lemonjello/oranjello is urban myth. I’ve heard it so many ways. The mom liked the jello at the hospital, etc.

    Same hospital that patients called heart attacks “Massive Internal Farts” instead of myocardial infarction. Kinda descriptive, doncha think?

    My wife wanted to name our first child “Willa” if child was a girl. Willa Barry? Ugh. Almost as bad as Wilma Beest.

  60. Saw “Chardynay Zynfindel” at my niece’s graduation. Though, I think I spelled it better than they did. 🙄

  61. Howie

    No one ever believe me but I knew a Huckleberry Fink

  62. renegade

    what do yall think of Nygel Douglas Christoper? 😳 :wtf:

  63. Klesko Fan

    also knew a Crystal Glass, parents musta hated her

  64. wendyfb

    My ex husband had friends in high school named: Jim Lively and Steve Boring!

    Ducatisti: Penny moved to California and married a guy named Saver. ( which is a name of a publication for discount purchases here).

  65. slave2oshun

    This one wins I think.. When I was a kid, my parents had a friend, his name was (and i swear on my 1st born this is true) , Harry Dangler!!!!
    They talked about him all the time, finally I was sitting there and I asked, “what’s a hairy dangler?” Cuz obviously THATS what I heard..

  66. Sane Kane

    LOL … am I the only one? patnox.com 😉

  67. Irene Abreu

    I’ve got a GREAT one for you all. Back in High School there was a girl in one of my classes who’s name was Cara. Beautiful, right? Well, unfortunately, her last name was De Palo. When you translate it into Spanish, her name was actually STICKFACE! lol

  68. Flash Gordon

    When I was a student in south Georgia we had a family of Everhards. They
    named their first boy Peter B. :wang: 😕 🙄 :wtf:

  69. Irish

    My mother went to school with twins. Their names were (not kidding, ive seen the yearbook…) Imma and Yorra Hoar.
    I work with a guy who just named his newborn girl Angelz Deathrage.
    That really is his last name……

  70. For gawduhhhs sake if your last name is Ball do not name your daughter Dawanna. My high school gym teacher named their daughter that. Oh and yes she did.

  71. mesmereyes

    @ work there is a guy whos last name is Ignatious..everyone calls him “Nighter”

  72. Brown Suga

    dh and spirit need more than a punch in the face and pelting with flowers. I would never subject my child or children to such names. I know a mother who named her kids after the cars she wished she could afford. The little girls were Porsche and Mercedes and the boy was Lincoln. Her husband named the last boy after his favorite baseball team, the Dodgers. The kids are still being ridiculed today about their names. 😈 😮 😀

  73. Ee

    My eight year old son and I were eating in a museum cafeteria. Then I noticed our waitress' nametag: Latrina. Hilarity ensued indeed.

  74. grimreaper

    ben dover
    wolf dick
    noah friend
    nevername a college south harmon institute of technolegy why the initals are shit

  75. grimreaper

    your daughter mary jane and your son refer

  76. renegade

    i went to school with a guy named P.aul M.ichael S.antos :wtf:

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