Air Travel Probability

12 June, 2009Posted inObservations15 Comments
At the exact moment you choose to use the airplane lavatory, the fasten seat belt light will come on The size of the persons on either side of you are directly proportional to the amount of claustrophobia you exhibit The more sleep deprived you are, the more the person next to you will talk (loudly) about themselves, eat loudly or make rude bodily noises The last douchebag on the plane will be the first one to scream that he needs to exit the plane now Aviophobia sufferers (fear of flying) are the sole cause of plane turbulence The more engrossing…

Things I Learned from Movies: Vampires

06 June, 2009Posted inOriginal Humor21 Comments
They never check a vampire for ID Likewise, no one asks child vampire why they aren't in school The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) never seems to notice that vampires are about 2,000 years too old to drive. Oh wait, they OWN the DMVs. Vampires exist by hard and fast rules. Once you turn, that's it. Unless you're in love with a good-looking human. Then you can return to the living by being nice. Becoming a vampire isn't like a tattoo where it's there forever. You can opt out. Just kill the lead vampire, and you can go back to…

Still Alive

05 June, 2009Posted inAnnouncements4 Comments
I haven't forgotten about you, dear readers and I have several post ideas and tons of photos. I've just been traveling so much for work that I never get a free moment to blog. I also have more travel Monday and Tuesday, so please don't rob me.

Things I Learned from Movies, Police Chiefs

24 May, 2009Posted inObservations14 Comments
All police chiefs are balding, pudgy, African-American mustachioed men, 50 years-old with hair-trigger tempers. Police Chiefs are magical creatures that can only be summoned into one of three sacred shrines: a detective’s office, behind the interrogation glass, and the office water cooler. They have not homes, nor spouses nor lives outside of the force. Appease them with offerings of stale donuts and old coffee. Police Chiefs don a mandatory wardrobe consisting of black trousers and a white, striped dress shirt with one silver pen in the pocket and a black necktie. There are no exceptions to this rule. Police Chiefs…

More People We Can Safely Dislike #21

21 May, 2009Posted inObservations28 Comments
The person(s) responsible for the musical selections playing ambiently in malls Indecisive lane-riders People who buy 398 items, freak out at the total, then force the cashier to remove each item one at a time until they can afford it Ann Coulter (always) Those who doubt the awesomeness of Kenny Powers People who cannot stop talking about American Idol Neighbors who mow the lawn at 4AM Hacks who blame their bad behavior on their "artistic temperament" Men who wear sweat pants with sport coats to restaurants. Just stop it. People who read me their poetry when I didn't ask Who…