Recent Effluvia:

Never, under any circumstances, get catnip mixed into an omelette. Tastes like steel.

Do not leave the iron on for 36 hours. Seriously. How did you not notice that?

Grandson: “Do you have a conscience, grampa?”
Grandfather: “Of course I do, Ronnie. Everyone does.”
Grandson: “Oh.”
Grandson: “How big are they?”

Someone, somewhere though that adding LEDs to slippers was a bright idea (pun intended). I don’t care. I really don’t. I won’t buy them, and I reserve the right to laugh openly at those who do.

Here’s my issue. It’s billed as, “the perfect gift for any occasion”. Any occasion? Seriously, if your neighbor just lost her husband, would you knock on her door and say, “I know things seem dark now, but these slippers will bring some light into your life.” I think not.

Any occasion? Would you give a pair to a baby boy after his circumcision? “Here, kid. Put these on. Look! There’s your foreskin on the floor. You’d have never seen it without that handy light.”

Would you send a pair to a flood victim in New Orleans so they can see the roaches scurrying away with their DVD player? Doubtful.

Do any occasions seem appropriate to you?

Let’s face it. Some names damn children to a life of teasing. For instance:

1. Jasper [M] = “Please don’t beat me up. Again.”
2. Dawn [F] = “After I make the cheerleading squad, I’m joining Up with People.”
3. Wilbur [M] = “Earn extra money doing cartoon voices. Hmm.”
4. Cheyenne [F] = “Mom? Guess what? I just starred in my first porno flick.”
5. Remington [M] = “Daddykins? Mummsy says I can be on the sculling team.”
6. Kayla [F] = “I blew my teacher for an A.”
7. Justin [M] = “Can I hang out with you guys? Huh? Can I? Can I?”
8. Cassandra [F] = “I sell my panties on my LiveJournal.”
9. Skye [M] = “So I carry a purse and date men. That doesn’t make me gay.”
10. Chloe [F] = “Does God have like, planets that he can destroy?”

1. Why coffee isn’t an essential food group.
2. Why all sitcom fathers are bumbling idiots.
3. Why on commercials, when a family sits down for dinner, everyone nods in unison.
4. Why talentless mouthbreathers like Paulie Shore, Carrot Top, Jessica Simpson and Starr Jones continue to get contracts to be in front of a camera.
5. Why most of the Midwest still dresses like it’s 1987.
6. Why none of Donald Trump’s assistants have the balls to tell him how bad his toupée looks.
7. Why most women begin collecting Hummel figurines as soon as they turn 50.
8. Why I am still getting three copies of GQ and Maxim every month.
9. Why the most irritating commercials often air twice in a row.
10. Why Tony Danza still has a show.