Note to Self, No. 6,011
Before presenting to the Senior Vice-Presidents again, be sure to wipe all the toothpaste off your face first.
More people we dislike #8: Pseudo-bodybuilders
Few things are more pathetic than body builders. Pseudo-bodybuilders are definitely more pathetic. Too arrogant to admit they aren't that built, but not dedicated enough to deform themselves through excessive steroid usage. Signs you may be this type: They kiss their biceps They refer to their biceps as, "my guns". They can afford to pimp out their Dodge 3500s, but can't afford their cellphone bills. They wear "Axe" body spray. Contrary to popular belief, there is rarely a mullet. It is usually the fauxhawk, a ridiculous sort of combed-up mohawk, trimmed very short, marines-style. They drink Zima. On purpose. Have…
Things to write on check memos
Things to write on check memos That's cheque memos to my readers abroad. When writing a check for an unpleasant bill, there are subtle things you can do to amuse yourself, while confusing those on the receiving end. Add any I've missed. You're fired I'm still sore from last night Devil Clowns are making me write this You left something by my bed I knew you liked puppies, but not that way… I heard about your little accident Congratulations on "coming out" to your office My water broke; hurry! I gave head to a lemur What's that smell? Is that…
Overheard: Solving World Hunger Edition
Mark: "Y'know Canada has more oil than any other country and them bastards are hoarding it from Americans. That's how they maintain their air of neutrality. It's a sham. They are ready to gun the f*ck out of anyone who finds out about the oil reserves. Nobody knows a thing about it." Al: "If nobody knows about it, how do you know?" Mark: "Look, all I'm saying is you have people in this country who don't read and who is to blame? Bush, of course. He doesn't want black kids in Detroit to learn how to read. Then he'd have…
Damn the centipedes
I thought about the comments from yesterday's Link of the Day. Centipedes are freakish and wrong. Especially that one. I dug up some facts about it: Giant Centipedes are responsible for the Stock Market Crash of 1929 Giant Centipedes steal your identity Giant Centipedes leave the refrigerator door open all night Giant Centipedes cause seven years bad luck Giant Centipedes ate the last brownie Giant Centipedes left the seat up on the toilet Giant Centipedes never fill up the tank when they borrow the car Giant Centipedes call 900 numbers during peak hours Giant Centipedes download illegal MP3s using your…
That shit don’t count an’ you know it.
Dougie: "I don't eat the snatch, and you shouldn't nei-thuh." Me: "Oh? Why's that?" Dougie: "Cause that shit make you faggot." Me: "Excuse me?" Dougie: "Anytime you put your mouth where you dick has been—that shit make you faggot." Me: "So that would make your wife a lesbian?" Dougie: "Fuck you! How you figure that shit?" Me: "Well, she's putting her mouth where her pussy has been. It stands to reason." Dougie: "That shit don't count an' you know it." viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl…
No Loittering
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Note to Self, No. 6,005
I forgot what I was going to write. Damn. Now I'll be up all night wondering if I'll do it again. Whatever it is. Will I even know it if I do it? Help me out here. What was it?
Overheard: Redneck Lunch Edition
Grummuh: "Thomas P? Thomas P? Lissen to yer Grummuh. Lissen to yer Grummuh. Lissen to yer Grummuh. Lissen to yer Grummuh. "Thomas P? Thomas P? Lissen to yer Grummuh. Oh honestly, Theresa Jo. What is wrong with him? Like tawking to thin air." Theresa Jo: "Yew stop pickin' on mah kids, mawmuh! They's fine as they is." Grummuh: "Sweet Jesus have mercy." Theresa Jo: "Oh! Hare's the waitress. Hah there. Gots a children's menu, hon?" Waitress: "Yes, ma'am. Last page. That's it." Theresa Jo: "Ah see. Thomas P? You wants apple sauce wif your meal?" Thomas P: "Plplplplplplplplplplplplplpl!" Theresa Jo:…
A pigment of my imagination
When I was a young boy, I often misheard phrases. Thinking I had them down pat, I would misuse them with confidence. Hilarity ensued. Some examples: Pigment of my imagination For all intensive purposes wrapped in conversation ball-faced lie deja view What words or phrases will you admit to misusing?viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra…
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