Possible new jobs for Donald Rumsfeld

09 November, 2006Posted inObservations27 Comments
President of the Liars Club Hidden Mine Finder New Orleans Levee Inspector Internet's First Spam Editor Toilet Paper Roll Holder for the Iraqi government Anal Toy Tester Barbara Bush's newest lawn ornament Stunt double for Carrot Top Bullshit Taster What jobs do you think he should apply for? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online…

What I hate when I have a migraine

07 November, 2006Posted inObservations35 Comments
Anyone operating a lawnmower, chainsaw, leafblower, snowblower, weed wacker; anything with a two stroke engine Anyone playing music I dislike Anyone with a brightly lit office Anyone walking loudly on the floor above me Anyone with too much cologne Anyone with garlicky food Anything that barks Anything that sings Anyone that is too perky Anyone who denies me chocolate or coffee (woe be unto them, for there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth) Anyone wearing any color other than black Anyone capable of speech Anyone enjoying themselves in my presence Anything resembling a phone, or capable of ringing, chirping…

Notes to Self, No. 6,230-6,232

03 November, 2006Posted inObservations13 Comments
If you think wearing all white will get you mistaken for the Michelin Man, try wearing a white ski jacket downtown No matter how high you turn up the air on the plane, you will not cover up the foot odor of the shoeless professor across the aisle The effectiveness of a child's scream on an airplane is directly proportional to the length of the flight and how much sleep you need viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for…

What not to name your children

01 November, 2006Posted inObservations76 Comments
The following baby names are all unfortunately real. They get progressively worse. Precious Champagne Gene Pool Phred Brook Rainbow Trout Karizyma Cinsere Aryan Justice Lake Avalon Confession Abyss Sparkle N/A (I swear) Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone's spawn) Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee's brat) BILOXI, Miss. - Leann Real promised her husband, an avid sports fan, that if they ever had a son he'd get to pick the name. ESPN Montana Real was born this week at Biloxi Regional Medical Center. BBC News Online reports that Jon Blake Cusack, of Holland, Michigan, has named his son Version 2.0. Jythsaint Orielle-Floriane Zxyrill (only…

A hatred of Hummers

30 October, 2006Posted inObservations43 Comments
Picking up where a post from March, 2002 left off, Natalie and I decided to write new collective nouns for specific brands of automobiles. A hatred of Hummers An embarrassment of PT Cruisers A granola of Subarus A weeping of Saabs A tuning of Civics An ickle of Mini Coopers A swarm of VW Beetles A snobbery of BMWs An explosion of Pintos Please add your own suggestions viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects…

Notes to Self No. 6,227-6,228

28 October, 2006Posted inObservations14 Comments
The probability of spilling coffee on an expensive, white shirt is determined by a ratio of the cost of the shirt versus the importance of the executives you have meetings with that day. Do not assume the 401 Hwy will be accident-free on a Friday night. It took 3-1/2 hours to drive 8 km last night.

More people we dislike #12

26 October, 2006Posted inObservations35 Comments
Clueless men who wear Crocs with business suits to work. This cannot be allowed to continue and I beseech all my loyal readers to grievously harm anyone attempting this. The balding, boorish Boomer—unacceptably impatient in line at the coffeehouse and swearing at everyone to hurry up—who had no idea what he wanted when his turn arrived. Politicians who try to brainwash their countrymen through bullying and repetition, then change their minds and feign sudden amnesia. People who say Hispanic, when they mean Spanish language. The rude bastard at the office that takes one bite out of a donut and puts…

Complete this Sentence:

22 October, 2006Posted inObservations25 Comments
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English Teacher Pickup Lines

20 October, 2006Posted inObservations17 Comments
English Teacher Pickup Lines Care to split my infinitive? What's an antonym for virginity? That's quite a dangling modifier you've got there. I love the way you misuse the subjunctive, you naughty little minx. You always know how to find the predicate in my clause. Let me be the first to complement your subject. Show me your direct object and I'll show you mine. You can take my infinitive object; with or without actors! Tell me all about your past progressive. You certainly know how to use other tenses in conjunction with simple tenses.

Shows I probably won’t see

16 October, 2006Posted inObservations24 Comments
Disney’s Waco on Ice Herpes! The Musical Bowling for Porcupine Mark Foley’s Bedtime Stories for Kids G.G. Allin Easter Special Pixar presents: The Mediocres The Creators of Stomp! bring you: Squish A Very Cthulhu Christmas The Spleen Monologues Which shows do you want to avoid? viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without…

Notes to Self: No. 6,221-6,223

13 October, 2006Posted inObservations21 Comments
There is a finite limit to the amount of bluing that can be applied to a load of whites No matter how good it seems at the time, consuming three brownies and a Coke in rapid succession before a meeting is really not a good idea When you go out this weekend, your shoes will be vomited on by the cat. There is no escaping this inevitability, as she will find them and can pick locks Michigan roads can suck it. Just blew out two tires this morning on my way to the airport

Bad Cartoon Week, 7 of 7

09 October, 2006Posted inObservations13 Comments
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