Category: Observations

In all likelihood, the BMW-owning yuppie fucktard that ordered this plate meant it to imply SLEEP WITH ME. But is that really what he meant? I can think of a few other translations and I’m sure you can, too. SLeeP WiTh MainE SLaP WhiTe MicE ScaLloPs With TiME Sea Lions Pay Willingly To Mount Emus…

“Is that your wife? Does she know you’ve been sacked?” “Oh yeah, baby! Do it to me like you did in prison. That’s it! Right there.” “Hey, get off that phone! We got more work to do. This bank ain’t gonna rob itself!” “Dude is that, my wife’s lingerie you’re wearing?” “Oh my God! You…

Dear WORLD, U ar in a lot of troubel with me!!! I have had it for the last time and this is the last straw. My Mom put me in timeout agen! No way.!! So I made use of the time 2 make my Master Plan of Escape and also a Super Wepon of Destructshun.…

Well, would ya look at that! Uh oh, that is not supposed to happen. Christ, better get out the book. Does this hurt? No? That doesn’t hurt. You’re kidding, I hit it with a hammer. Have the folks at Guinness Book of World Records been in touch? They probably have a section for … these…

It was Christmas Eve and I was five years old. Me: “Mom?” Mom: “Yes, honey?” Me: “This package says it’s from Santa.” Mom: “It is! What did you ask him for?” Me: “I don’t know. But it looks like your writing.” Mom: “Uhhh, yes he asked me to write it for him.” Me: “Hmph.” Christmas…

Dear Brits, It’s been a while since we’ve spoken. You’ve been busy pontificating that your music is still relevant and we’ve been busy getting our ass kicked in a war we didn’t vote for. I thought it might be time to clear up some things. Perhaps it’s in poor taste to tell others you’re Great…

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Nikki: “I was too tired for movies last night. Allergies are kicking my ass.”Me: “Why do allergies have to kick our ass? Why can’t they lightly pinch it?”Nikki: “Seriously.”Me: “Or grope it.”Nikki: “Hehehehe.”Me: “My allergies are really groping my ass. And it’s kinda nice.”

Every year in the Mongol Empire, circus performers from the Far East and would arrive to demonstrate feats of skill and daring and 1169 C.E. was no different. It was this year that a small girl-child named Temüjin would see the circus for the first time. While the tigers, elephants, camels and phoenixes were impressive…

“There’s worse things out tonight then those creatures.”“Like what?”“Like me.” “We got something special, babe. Real special. Now ditch the bra and get back onstage.” “Don’t go out there. You’ll only get killed. Ben needs you. I need you.” “This knife belonged to my great granddaddy. Killed a lot of Indians with it. Now it’s…

Three course picnic, wine coolers and those adorable glasses from Target! “Do fish prefer Andes’ Mints or Truffles as bait?” “What do you mean, our laughing is scaring away the fish?” “I’m not sure how good these silver hooks are, but aren’t they cute?” “Do these waders make my butt look big?” I’m sure I…