ZOMG!! BANQUETZ!!

09 September, 2008Posted inObservations19 Comments

My posting has been intermittent of late because work, while not intellectually challenging, is physically demanding and most nights I get home these days too tired to string together a coherent word spoken aloud, much less work the keyboard.

As an example of my sheer tiredness, the other day I got home, took off my pants to change into a pair of shorts and managed to get one sock off before I fell asleep on my bed. Yes, that’s right, pantless and semi-sockless. I am well aware of the image this presents. And now you must carry the image of a bearded wookie in one sock and boxers unconscious on a bed to your grave.

The reason for this tiredness is, as I hope you garnered from the title, because banquet season has begun.

Isn’t Work Fun?

02 September, 2008Posted inAnnouncements, Observations29 Comments
Crossing the casino floor (I'm legally prevented from saying which one by a NDA so profound I can't even comment if it's on this planet, let alone something as simple as it's name) is like wandering through a menagerie of Darwinism (indeed, and participants in the Darwin Awards). Though the dude sucking back the eighteen pound hamburger pictured above has never hopped on his electrified fat-mobile and zoomed through the double-wide front doors to drop a few bucks before eating himself into a grease-coma, more than a few of our 'guests' (we don't call them customers because apparently they feel…

The reason for the high gas prices

27 August, 2008Posted inAnnouncements, Freaks, Observations, wtf33 Comments

So I came across a very interesting post on a forum recently. I defy you to make sense of it.

“The reason for the high gas prices is to force people not to travel very much and stay in their locale. Due to the fact that the Purebred Reptilian race that lives in the hollow part of the earth are trying to come to the surface. The 13 Bloodlines that rule this earth and are each given section of continents of Earth to rule over are scared of their own people the Pure Bred Reptilians who are pissed off at the 13 bloodlines failure to capture this planet for the Draco Empire. Mainly in the news mine collapses and always fires out in the California and the western area to keep people from seeing these creatures as they come to the surface. Their have also been Caves closed to the Public due to their entryway into the hollow earth area where the Purebred Reptilains been seen and their have been many battles underground by these Purebreds trying to get to the surface to take immediate control. Chemtrails are also being used to target these Purebreds genetics and eliminate them.

Sarah Marshall? Forgotten. Big Giant Geek Penis? Sadly, Never.

18 August, 2008Posted inFunny Signs, Observations31 Comments

So a few of my friends saw the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall awhile ago and said that it was really, really funny. How could it not be, especially since it was penned by the same guys that did 40 Year Old Virgin (which was the only Steve Carrell movie until Get Smart that I will admit exists) and Superbad. These are some seriously witty, comedic films that manage to mix it up in terms of pacing. You don’t feel like you should be laughing your ass off all the time, and you aren’t checking your watch going ‘When the hell was the last time I laughed?’

They also warned me about Geek Penis.

Are you eating feet again?

07 August, 2008Posted inObservations25 Comments
Certain foods smell great if you're the one cooking or eating them, but if someone else is—”particularly at work—”they smell vile. Others only smell good at certain times of the day. Some examples: Chicken Soup: If it's yours, it's comfort food. If someone else has it, it smells like a frat boy's fungused feet. Curry: Delicious if it's yours. Burning dog fur if in the office. Parmesan Cheese: Toothsome on pasta. Cat pee on the nostrils. Roasted Garlic: Mouth-watering if you're the one roasting it. In someone else's home, you'd swear the Montauk Monster was rotting in their refrigerator. Popcorn:…

Things you’ve never seen

14 July, 2008Posted inObservations32 Comments
A vegan mosquito A woman with a fear of shoes A cat begging to have a leash put on it A 90 year-old woman off-roading in a Jeep Wrangler A group of overweight frat boys engaged in group pilates Fat, old men in panties, pretending to be teenage girls in chatrooms A roomful of Victoria's Secret models masturbating to Shrek Pirates, sharing their hopes, dreams and feelings A redneck with a deep interest in the plight of non-American workers What have you never seen?

Where I was all weekend, Part II

09 July, 2008Posted inObservations, wtf25 Comments
So this was the bathroom: On the plus side, they had giant scissors, a clearly marked beach and the biggest smiley face I hope to ever see. Also, the Shriners up there drive funny cars. Despite the weirdness, I actually got three days to relax and not work or go online. Go me!

Where I was all weekend, Part I

08 July, 2008Posted inObservations, wtf18 Comments
Lizz and I took a much needed vacation up north this weekend. I had planned a month in advance to get a romantic Bed & Breakfast for the Fourth of July weekend. Sadly, my favorite B&B gets booked up three months ahead so I booked with another place. The week of, I got a panicked call from the proprieter who said she had just received my check that day. It was mistakenly delivered to the neighbor, who had never bothered to bring it over until three weeks later. Needless to say, she was booked solid by then. I made arrangements…

How to annoy telemarketers, Part II

05 June, 2008Posted inObservations40 Comments
Special Guest Author: Jules OdeNile If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even…

How to annoy a kitten

03 June, 2008Posted inObservations33 Comments
Airhorn during naptime Get out the laser pointer but don't turn it on Place a grocery bag on the floor. When she creeps invariably inside it, scoop the bag up rapidly Itching powder in the cat litter Pour catnip on double-sided tape Force them to watch the entire Wings/Penguins game with you, through triple overtime Shopvacs, circular saws and belt sanders indoors How would you annoy a kitten?