Observations

The probability of spilling stainable liquid on yourself increases with the expense of the article of clothing Rainfall will be greatest when you are 1/2 way walking home. It will abruptly stop upon reaching home The shorter and looser a woman's skirt is, the greater the chance for hurricane strength winds that day The later you are for work, the greater the probability of getting stuck behind a senior citizen driving 14 mph The probability of your shoes getting vomited on by a pet increases if you've just cleaned them viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does…

James B (who created this week's poll) frightened me with a true story about tonsil stones. I have to admit, it was pretty gross. Look up pictures of them on Google Images if you doubt me. I simply had to get even. I told him about a German fellow who was recently killed and eaten by his pet spiders. I shit you not (If you are arachnophobic, I strongly suggest you do not follow that link). I can't think of a worse way to go, except maybe: Forced to listen to Celine Dion nonstop for a week Forced to have…

Our high school typing instructor was hot. She had a body like Bettie Page and wore ridiculously tight skirts and stiletto heels. Her one odd trait was her nails. As a typing instructor, she had to keep her nails trimmed, but she was all about long painted nails. She compromised by growing one nail to a length that would impress an eagle. It was curved; a red scimitar springing from the end of her hand. During every class, she used an overhead projector with transparencies that she had prepared. She would make a point of bending a bit in her…

Identifying more arsehole drivers in front of you. Texters: True story: Tuesday, I had to swerve to avoid a woman who almost ran me off the road. She was completely unaware of this. She was too busy texting on her cell phone. She was a large woman, and used her ponderous breasts to steer. Her left hand was busy cradling her phone, while her right hand gingerly poked at the keys. Her fingernails were the same length as her fingers, curved like talons, making her typing take attention away from other distractions like say, watching the road. The Braker: StevieC…

Identifying the arsehole driver in front of you. The Midwestern Bookworm: The Bookworm loves to read. Right now, she is in the fast lane in front of you, finishing the last chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is spread open across her steering wheel. Her emotional reactions to her reading material greatly affect her ability to commit to a single lane. Should you be unfortunate enough to resemble the antagonist in her story, you will be promptly run off the road. The North American Talker: Far more common on major roads are the tribe known as North…

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed a change in the patter of waitstaff. I only pay attention to these things because I was once a waiter, myself. Time was, a server would come by, a minute or so into the meal and ask, “How is everything?” A concise sentence. Nowadays, servers come when you have one bite left in your meal. “Is everything tasting OK?” they blurt out, without making eye contact. I have several problems with this: It’s just a lame thing to say. Would your mother ask you that? It assumes that your only possible issue could…

I just received a spam entitled, "Make You're Penis the Size of You're Entire Body!!!!!" Ignoring the atrocious punctuation errors, this message is troubling on several levels. First off, I'm six-foot three. Having a penis of equal length could pose some serious tactical issues. How would I store it when not in use? I could use one of those garden hose rollers, but that might be impractical at work (or swimming) Where would it go when wearing normal clothes? Dragging it behind me on the street is out, as is throwing it 'round my neck as a scarf. If my…

Michelle Madigan, for thinking she is smarter than the hackers at DEFCON. Sorry, Michelle. These are the brightest minds in the United States. You aren't. I should mention that I have been a member of DEFCON for years; I even did the logo for DEFCON Groups, so if I take schadenfreude over this, you will understand why. viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra…

Maven's recent post about the homeless man jerking off in public reminded me of a similar experience I had. No, I wasn't a homeless, black man. Way back in the day, when Detroit had an awesome indie scene, I went to see Echo and the Bunnymen at St. Andrews Hall. Typical of most old concert halls, there are not enough restrooms for the number of patrons, so the line for the women's room extended far into the front lobby. At some point, the bouncers must not have been looking, because a very large man—clearly mentally challenged—wandered in. He stumbled about…

You've been drinking beer (legally) for 22 years now. It's about time you learned to drink beer from a bottle without backing up the carbonation and causing a beer fountain on the table. Seriously.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap…

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As the jogger passes you on the sidewalk, tear a strip of cloth quickly and see if they stop to check their pants for rips. Hide in the bushes of a quiet street with an airhorn. Hold up a score card as they pass you with a very low number. Act disappointed. Run out in front of the jogger, wildly flailing your arms and scream, “My God! The bees!” Hold up a wanted poster. Look back and forth between the poster and the jogger. Scream, “That’s him! He’s getting away!” Have one person squirt them head to toe with diluted…