How to win an argument with a dog

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How to win an argument with a cat

Begin with a standard ontological argument, such as Gödel’s Theorum. Open with Definition 1: x is God-like iff x has as essential properties those and only those properties which are positive Your cat will likely counter that no definition of the notion of “positive property” is supplied with the proof. At most, the various axioms which involve this concept can be taken to provide a partial implicit definition. Ignore this interruption and continue with Definitions 2 and 3. Your cat will yawn to discourage you and remind you that if a property belongs to the set, then its negation does…

Note to self: 5,017

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People we can safely dislike #3

People who see every natural disaster or world event as somehow intimately tied to themselves, and view their existence as the cause. You’re waiting in a huge line at an over-priced coffee chain. The person in front of you has spent the entire time complaining about how ridiculous the line is and how long everyone is taking to order. It’s finally that person’s turn. Like a deer in the headlights, they suddenly have no idea what they want and need to have each item described in detail. Twice. The guy who always has a story one better than you. No…

Mini Pinch

We've all played Slug Bug (or its bastard variant: Punch Buggy). The concept is simple. Spot a VW Beetle driving past, call it and its color out before your friend does, and punch them as hard as possible. Newer games have since arisen such as doing the ZZ Top arm swing every time a PT Cruiser goes past or flipping off Hummer drivers. Natalie and I propose a new game called Mini Pinch. See a Mini Cooper, yell Mini Pinch and pinch the person next to you. It's easy and very addictive, particularly if the person next to you has…

Note to self: 5,003

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A rabbi, a priest and a blue pixie walk into a bar …

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My technique is sillier than yours

We all know someone at work who brags about taking martial arts. It's often the guy in the mailroom with the mullet and the NO FAT CHICKS bumper sticker on his rusty Ford Bronco. In between bragging about which bars he was recently banned from, he relates his latest harrowing exploit as a martial arts master, who had his hands registered with the FBI. You yawn and feign interest until you can make your escape. Since all of his stories are B.S., why not have some fun with him and encourage his fantasy? Make up your own fighting techniques and…

print:”Hello Kitty”;

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Complete this sentence #12

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Overheard: Home Deity Edition

[ SCENE: Two men are discussing "family values" and Republican beliefs. ] Man #1: He was a fine upstanding Christian man, not unlike this feller here (points to me). You're a god-fearing Christian, aren't you? Me: I think of myself as more of a Christian-fearing god. Man #1: … viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra…

I see one! I see one!

You've all heard the term GAYDAR, being the inborn ability to spot a gay person on sight. Most of us have this ability to varying degrees. Natalie and I came up with names for other types of natural RADAR that humans possess. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAR: The ability to spot Henry Winkler ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDAR: The ability to spot a pirate BRAYDAR: The ability to spot a jackass CHEDAR: The ability to spot a cheese lover GRAYDAR: The ability to spot someone who is lying about their age GREYDAR: The ability to spot aliens among us KRAYDAR: The ability to spot a supercomputer LAYDAR: The…