Things I Learned from Movies, Serial Killers

13 January, 2009Posted inObservations31 Comments
If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died. If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map. Teenage sex attracts serial killers and cannibals. If you stab a serial killer, you will only be able to stab him just above the collarbone—an area that neither hurts him, not affects his ability to use his arm. While the skin of a serial killer can…

Failed Horror Movie Ideas

30 November, 2008Posted inObservations30 Comments
Pantsuits of the Damned Dawn of the Bagel The Hills Have Starbucks The Cabinet of Dr. Phil Invasion of the Body Shapers Whatever Happened to Milli Vanilli? Don't Go Inside My Trousers I Know What You Did at Band Camp Friday the 14th What movies would you like to see? With assistance from Mark Simon

Things I Learned from Movies, Part V

25 November, 2008Posted inObservations22 Comments
Whenever magic is being performed for the first time, black clouds instantly roll in. If a cop or some para-military soldier pokes at his own eyes, then forwards twice in the air, trouble is coming. Giants and large dinosaurs move in slow motion. Small dinosaurs move with lightning speed. In real life, putting up your open palm signals someone to stop. In the movies, this is how Native Americans greet each other. In real life, putting up your closed fist means Black Power. In the movies, this is how Ninjas signal each other to stop. Women have always worn thongs,…

Things I Learned from Movies, Part IV

08 November, 2008Posted inOriginal Humor25 Comments
At any harbor, there will be two or more speedboats with keys left in them Anyone who gets in a speedboat knows how to drive one expertly Same thing applies to motorcycles Aliens are attracted to our women and have matching genetics to breed with them All twins are not only identical, but have matching voices and freckles as well All magical talismans have rules that only work on certain astronomical configurations No matter how rare or ancient the relic, the world's leading expert on it happens to teach at the local university The bad guys—who have spent their lives…

Things I Learned from Movies, Part III

16 September, 2008Posted inObservations, Original Humor52 Comments
Bullets from heroes kill with one shot and in less than a second. Bullets from criminals maim, but if they do kill, it takes longer. Virginity protects you from serial killers. It only takes two people to turn a two ton fallen tree into a massive booby trap that operates by pulling a tiny wooden shim. Heroes' handguns fire 70 shots and never miss. Criminals' handguns fire six shots of questionable accuracy. They also ricochet more often than heroes. Heroes simply bleed less than criminals, who tend to bleed in arterial spray patterns resembling a Jackson Pollock painting. The first…

McGavin-Knotts-Weaver Coincidences

28 February, 2006Posted inOriginal Humor59 Comments
All three had cheesy television shows in the 1970s All three were male actors All three favored ugly hats All three starred in TV roles as law enforcement officers All three died within 24 hours of each other Their birth months are sequential (McGavin = May, Weaver = June, Knotts = July) Darren McGavin has an 'a' in his first and last name Don Knotts has an 'o' in his first and last name Dennis Weaver has an 'e' in his first and last name All three have 2 'n's in between their first and last names The number of…

What I learned from movies, Part 1

15 December, 2005Posted inOriginal Humor48 Comments
Women's purses only have four items in them An entire corporation's data fits on a single disk Men can unhook bras on the first try Storms and wars can be quieted when the hero has something important to say Predatory animals suffer from glaucoma and see in thermo-vision Any computer security system can be broken into with the password "override" No one gets cramped or kneed in the face during sex All monsters — even giant insects — make pig squealing sounds when shot Swipe card slots can be defeated with Bobby pins, as can most locks Pre-Roman barbarian women…