Chickens are metal

Chickens are metal

21 March, 2024Posted inObservations
I just had a “Snap Meal” from Imperfect Foods. Prior to this “meal” I assumed that chickens were avian, organic lifeforms, descended from dinosaurs. I know better now. They are, in fact, one of the toxic heavy metal compounds along with lead, arsenic, beryllium, et al. Hiding them in orange grease does not disguise their metallurgic origins. Chickens are a metal.
People we can safely dislike #26

People we can safely dislike #26

25 July, 2017Posted inFreaks, Observations
People who refuse to include punctuation in email or texts. The guy (it's always a guy) who passes you on the road and then promptly slows down. That lady who refuses to admit she misdialed you… again. Men who wear Crocs with business suits. Young men who think wearing a vest with a porkpie hat makes them jazz musicians. Older women who think wearing loud mumus with oversized glasses makes them artists. People who rasp, wheeze, and smell like a nicotine factory and claim they "quit ten years ago." The cheap bastard who drinks 3/4 of his expensive cocktail before…

More People We Can Safely Dislike, #25

02 April, 2013Posted inObservations3 Comments
Jodi Arias supporters Twilight fans. Fuck all of you. Vampires don't sparkle. People who change their profile photo to reflect the latest meme, social cause or trend with no clue why other than their friends are all doing it, too. [DISCLAIMER: This one is probably only a Michigan thing] Drivers who get into the Michigan turn lane diagonally, thus taking up both lanes and refuse to pull out into traffic, even after a vicious, sustained honk. While, not a person, Punxsutawney Phil, who needs to be made into a rug. That useless, pus-bag has never predicted spring correctly. Ever. And…

More People We Dislike #24

15 September, 2009Posted inObservations22 Comments
Brake tappers. Coffee drinkers who put perform an ongoing series of sugar modifications to their drinks, as if testing them for glucose tolerance. Couples in matching sweaters. Joggers who actually just walk, but pretend to run as soon as another pedestrian approaches, then promptly resume trudging along as soon as they pass them. Customers in restaurants who make so many substitutions to an item, that it becomes an entirely different menu item, but when this is pointed out to them, will argue that their substitutions are clearly superior. Businesspeople who think spinning text in their Powerpoint presentations makes them edgy.…

More People We Can Safely Dislike #23: Travel Edition

27 August, 2009Posted inObservations12 Comments
Oh my readers, I have not abandoned you. I am working myself to death slowly. I've been in 5 states in four days. Anyway, all this travel got me hating on folks again, so here's my travel edition of more people we can safely dislike. UPDATE: No idea how comments got turned off! They are back on. The guy on the plane who keeps kicking the back of your seat The woman who comes back from the airplane lavatory with a fresh gallon of perfume on The psycho next to you who is afraid of flying and keeps grabbing your…

More people we can safely dislike #22

23 June, 2009Posted inObservations27 Comments
Oh man. I have been subjected to appalling grammar this week. I want to put these folks under citizens arrest … for the murder of the English language! People who say "360°" when they meant "180°," as in "His attitude went 360°." That doesn't mean he changed his attitude. That means it's right back where it started, fucktard. People who mix up there, their and they're. People who can't recall the simple 'i' before 'e' rule. Amerikans who kant spell rite. (See below)

More People We Can Safely Dislike #21

21 May, 2009Posted inObservations28 Comments
The person(s) responsible for the musical selections playing ambiently in malls Indecisive lane-riders People who buy 398 items, freak out at the total, then force the cashier to remove each item one at a time until they can afford it Ann Coulter (always) Those who doubt the awesomeness of Kenny Powers People who cannot stop talking about American Idol Neighbors who mow the lawn at 4AM Hacks who blame their bad behavior on their "artistic temperament" Men who wear sweat pants with sport coats to restaurants. Just stop it. People who read me their poetry when I didn't ask Who…

More people we can safely dislike #20

14 April, 2009Posted inObservations18 Comments
Kids that dropped out of school because, "My teachah's ignernt." Clowns. Always clowns. Douchebags that tell their girlfriends they can't hang out with their guy friends, but they of course can continue to hang out with their ex-girlfriends. People with shit taste in films who insist that despite the critics, despite what my friends have said, despite the awful trailers that I'm really missing out on the depth of Pauly Shore's venerable acting career. Anyone who defends Coldplay. People who act affronted that they can't carry automatic weapons with them into Wal-Mart. The Illuminati. I mean, what good are they…

More people we can safely dislike #19

10 November, 2008Posted inObservations29 Comments
The coworker reads aloud every memo, email, etc. to themselves and has to tell me, "Oh, I'm not talking to you. I'm just thinking aloud." I didn't ask, OK?. People who live in Michigan, one of the snowiest states in the US, but can't drive in 1/2" of snow. Please go back to Ohio/Indiana/Windsor where no one can drive in any weather. People who make weak tea or coffee. If it bothers your stomach, drink something else. This ain't rocket science. People who rake/blow their leaves onto my lawn The Sham Wow guy. Seriously, someone take him out. Who do…

More people we dislike #18

10 March, 2008Posted inObservations51 Comments
Comcast Tech Support, for having service interruptions all fucking week Lane drifters, Sunday or not Guys who change their clothes at Armani Exchange outside the dressing room Anyone who greets me with, "Hey, guy!" Anyone who greets me with, "Hey, boss!" Anyone who greets me with, "Hey, chief!" Anyone who greets me with, "Hey, captain!" Anyone who greets me with, "You owe me money."

More people we dislike #17

10 November, 2007Posted inObservations47 Comments
The Brotherhood of Bikers: In my town, there is a rather extensive gang of "Christian Bikers" known collectively as Riders for the Son. Perhaps I didn't pay enough attention in Sunday School, but I don't recall Jesus requesting his followers to ride Harleys and fuck shit up. I am Metrosexual. Hear me score. Look, I like to dress well. I go to a hair stylist as opposed to a barber. Primarliy because I'd rather have my head touched by a stylish, young woman than a lecherous ex-con. I draw the line at getting manicures, man bags, plucked eyebrows and apricot…