Bears are not like lettuce. Epidemics are not like lettuce. Noctambulists are not like lettuce. Ibuprofen is not like lettuce. Slingshots are not like lettuce. Narcissists are not like lettuce. Oligarchies are not like lettuce. Thongs are not like lettuce. Lasers are not like lettuce. Invertebrates are not like lettuce. Kites are not like lettuce. Epiphanies are not like lettuce. Leviathans are not like lettuce. Etruscans are not like lettuce. Tabula rasas are not like lettuce. Tautologies are not like lettuce. Umbilical cords are not like lettuce. Catechism is not like lettuce. E. coli are not like lettuce. So do…

Gentlemen, This week sees the arrest of yet another Japanese pervert; serial lingerie thief Shigeo Kodama. Kodama, a 54 year-old construction worker, stole nearly 4,000 pairs of panties in only six years. I only have a few questions, as one who has never visited Japan. What is up with Japanese men and panties? Granted, as fetishes go, it's fairly tame. It's nothing as disturbing as say, underwater clown sex, but by comparison, we Westerners grow weary of peeking at girls' underwear by age ten or so. Explain. Use extra sheets if necessary. Second, and I ask this on behalf of…

”Are the burgers locally grown? I only eat organic.” ”My water broke.” ”Your mother's in here, Karras. Would you like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets it.” ”Two fifty-six for the meal? OK, how much for a lapdance?” ”Is this the place where the rats where found in the tacos? I don’t want no rat tacos.” ”Wait. Say that again. Slower this time. Aw, yeah. That’s soooo hot.” ”This isn’t medium rare. I specifically asked for medium rare.” ”I’m from Immigration. I’m going to pull around and I don’t want any sudden moves.” Once upon a time,…

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My cat recently turned 17. That age marks a special time in a cat's life when she ascends from a Demanding Diva to a Hirsute Hobgoblin. True, she is still deceptively beautiful, in the same way many terrible vipers are. It is her mannerisms that have transcended during this special year. Socks I used to come home from travel and find a matching pair of my socks by the door. She would drag them there in hopes of bringing me back, which clearly worked. She still does this, but now adds special touches to them: hairballs, dryer lint, vomit. It…

Some interesting road trips you can make in the United States. Suggested by misterarthur. From Intercourse, Pennsylvania to Climax, Michigan From Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina to Hell, Michigan From Spread Eagle, Wisconsin to Hooker, Arkansas From Cut-Off, Louisiana to Blueballs, Pennsylvania From Cold Water, Mississippi to Hot Water, Mississippi From Toad Suck, Arkansas to Monkey's Elbow, Kentucky From Panic, Pennsylvania to Fearnot, Pennsylvania From Boring, Oregon to Eclectic, Alabama From Ogle, Kentucky to Loveladies, New Jersey From Smackover, Arkansas to Assawoman, Virginia From Muck City, Alabama to Shite Creek, Idaho From Fort Dick, California to Dickeyville, Wisconsin From Dismal,…