Recent Effluvia:

[ SCENE: Two men are discussing “family values” and Republican beliefs. ]

Man #1: He was a fine upstanding Christian man, not unlike this feller here (points to me). You’re a god-fearing Christian, aren’t you?
Me: I think of myself as more of a Christian-fearing god.
Man #1: …

You’ve all heard the term GAYDAR, being the inborn ability to spot a gay person on sight. Most of us have this ability to varying degrees. Natalie and I came up with names for other types of natural RADAR that humans possess.

• AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAR: The ability to spot Henry Winkler
• ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDAR: The ability to spot a pirate
• BRAYDAR: The ability to spot a jackass
• CHEDAR: The ability to spot a cheese lover
• GRAYDAR: The ability to spot someone who is lying about their age
• GREYDAR: The ability to spot aliens among us
• KRAYDAR: The ability to spot a supercomputer
• LAYDAR: The ability to spot someone who could possibly sleep with
• NAYDAR: The ability to spot existentialists
• PLAYDAR: The ability to spot a pedophile
• PRAYDAR: The ability to spot a born-again Xtian
• VADAR: The ability to spot a Star Wars geek

1. Women who wear tank tops designed for girls 1/4 their size. This may look interesting if said woman is in great shape, but when the wearer needs bookmarks to find her navel, the effect is far less appealing.
2. Men who wear ties with cartoon characters on them to executive meetings.
3. Women (primarily older ones do this) who wear ankle-high pantyhose with knee-length skirts.
4. I am at a complete loss to understand why the hairiest of men favor the smallest of bathing suits. Are they trying to scare us?
5. Geeks who clip to their belts, their PDA, cellphone, JumpDrive and pet monkey.
6. Kids who still think that wearing prison pants with a chained wallet and backwards baseball cap is trendy.
7. Hipsters who wear kitsch 1970s t-shirts to be ironic.
8. Professor types who have one sweater that they insist on wearing every day, regardless of temperature, and despite the attempts of a hundred generations of moths to destroy it.

A Pizza-Maker shall be born near Italy.
Who shall cause all penguins to explode,
They shall say, with what marshmallow peeps he keeps company
He shall be found less a Pizza-Maker than a misshapen toad.

From a simple plastic surgeon he will rise to the empire,
From the short nose he will attain the long.
Great schools of Sea Monkeys shall arise.

A great troop shall come through Russia.
The destroyer shall eliminate the color beige.

The great color beige will soon be exchanged for the color puce.
Which will soon cover the most.
A small puce of tiny area in the middle of which
He will come to lay down his trove of Melba Toast. 

The captive prince, conquered, is sent to Melba;
He will sail across the Gulf of Mexico to Tijuana.
By a great effort of the foreign tequilas he is overcome,
Though he escaped the fire, his bowels yield to Montezuma’s Revenge. 

Out of the deepest part of the west of your bathroom,
From poor people a young child shall be born,
Who with his spleen shall seduce many people,
His fame shall increase the size of Sea Monkeys.