Recent Effluvia:

I had the stupidest dream of my life last night. In the dream, my best friend was Corey Feldman. All of my friends at work kept teasing me for hanging out with him, but I kept defending Corey. “You just don’t know him like I do. He’s a great guy in person. He’s honest and genuinely likes to help people.”

Corey convinced me to rob a Coney Island.

We made off with $90 and two packs of ketchup. No police were called, but we were chased down by the fry cooks. Corey threw the ketchup packs like Ninja throwing stars, hoping to slit their throats.

He missed completely and we had to give back the money.

[ Scene: Coffeehouse counter, two 9th grade girls are flirting with the barista, a man as gay as a French Horn ]

Girl #1: “Can you believe this? She [ points to Girl #2 ] isn’t even wearing underpants and it’s like um, fucking minus a hundred?”
Girl #2: “I fuckin’ never wear panties. Shit, no. They’re so … confining. Y’know? See? No tanlines. [ Girl #2 actually pulled down her camo cargo pants, flashing underage girly bits to an apathetic coffeehouse. I was one of only two patrons that seemed horrified. ]
Barista: “Uh huh, very sexy.”
Girl #2: Dooooood! I fuckin’ never wear panties. You should see me at parties. I be showing my ass all over da class.”
Girl #1: “She does. I seen her.”
Girl #2: “Remember when we like, made out last Friday?”
Barista: [ raises an eyebrow ] “You two don’t seem like sisters to me.”
Girl #1: “We’re not even related dude. Ha! We don’t even look alike.”
Barista: “That’s not what I meant by sisters, kiddo.”
Girl #1: “Do not fucking call me kiddo.”
Barista: “Whatever you say, Ellie Mae.”
Girl #1: “I got my black thong on. Wanna see? [ turning to the entire room, grinning and preparing to unzip ]
Barista: “Not particularly.”
Girl #1: “Why not? You checked out her junk.”
Barista: “[ sigh ] I don’t date girls, OK? Hello? Gay? Earth to twelve year-olds!”
Girl #1: “Dude. Shu’th’fuckup! You’re a butt pirate?”
Girl #2: “Shhhhh! You’re too cute to be gay.”
Barista: “No, I’m too cute to be straight.”
Girl #1: “Gross. I’m sooooo outta here.”
Girl #2: “Dude, I just showed my pussy to a fag.”

1. When eating a vegetable roll-up that includes Greek hot peppers, avoid the temptation to rub the eyes.
2. Keep the lock de-icer outside the vehicle; not in the glovebox.
3. Don’t try to unlock a frozen vehicle while holding a hot coffee.

1. An American Hamster in London
2. The Texas Pencil Sharpener Massacre
3. A Sort of Bad Dream on Elm Street
4. I Spit on Your Sidewalk
5. Invasion of the Bagel Snatchers
6. The Yapping
7. Night of the Living Slackers
8. HeckBoy
9. The Flair Pen Project
10. Dawn of the Bread
11. I Walked with a Gumby
12. The Evil Spread
13. Silence of the Librarians
14. Stir of Geckos
15. Smellraiser
16. The Six Cents
17. Jacob’s Stepladder
18. 28 Minutes Later
19. Candyland
20. Bride of Frank Sinatra