Hipster Jokes (before they go mainstream)
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: You wouldn’t know. It’s a really obscure number. Q: How do you drown a hipster? A: Force her into the mainstream. Q: What unit do you use to weigh hipsters? A: Instagrams. Q: How do you kill a hipster? A: Stab him with a Pitchfork. Q: Who was the first hipster? A: Doesn’t matter. You’ve never heard of her. Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave? A: They don’t like conventional ovens. Q: What do you call a shy, soft-spoken hipster? A: Mumblr. Photo Credit: Joel…
The Contents of Our Pug’s Stomach
We have a fat, old pug named Bennie. He’ll be 14 years old this year, so we don’t really give him shit about being husky. I’ve heard that Pugs cannot eat chocolate. That it’s poisonous to them. No one sent that memo to Bennie. He’s eaten chocolate, literally by the pound. He’s also eaten a pound of fudge from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory, hunks of soap and bath bombs from Lush, glitter, an entire bunch of bananas, brownies and a loaf of bread. Not all at once, mind you. He does have some restraint. My favorite story about Bennie is…
My Asshole Cats
My Asshole Cats …Refuse to chase their toys until I’m in 4th stage REM sleep. …Only get nauseous when the floor is clean. And only on the hardwood. …Are responsible for 99% of all poltergeist activity in the lower 48 states. …Inform me their claws need trimming when they are sitting on my crotch. …Allow my baby to pull their hair, slap them and bite their heads. If I so much as pet them too close to their tails, I lose a vital organ. …Love our cranky old Pug, but are plotting the slow, painful death of our gentle Italian…
I have a quwestion
Thank you for your patience! Your AT&T Representative will be with you shortly. Welcome! You are now chatting with 'Vanessa' Vanessa: Hi David, Thanks for chatting, let me help you with your concern Dave: thank you Vanessa: Your welcome! Dave: You're, not your. Vanessa: I'm not sure what you mean. Dave: You wrote "Your welcome", but you should have written "You're welcome." Vanessa: Do you have a quwestion? Dave: No, but I have a question. Vanessa: ok. Please inform me once done. Dave: Once what's done? Vanessa: Go ahead Dave: What? Vanessa: I see. So everything is ok now Vanessa:…
My daughter follows the Pope on Twitter
Letting my 10 month-old girl play on my laptop. She manages to call up Pope Francis' Twitter page and turn off the TV.
Shiny Coat
I caught my 10 month-old gnawing on our Pug's Busy Bone. On the plus side, at least she'll have a shiny coat.
Parenting: What no one told me
So I became a father for the first time. At 49. I had pretty much given up the hope of having children, but then it happened. No, don't congratulate me. It was easy. What wasn't easy was sifting through the reams of advice you're given from doctors, family, magazines, blogs, friends and complete strangers—yes the same strangers who feel compelled to feel up your wife's belly like she was a prize Berkshire hog at a county fair. Most of the advice a new parent gets seems to come from well-meaning, but childless adults who are disappointingly often dead right. Other…
Two Shakes of a Lamb’s Tail
How come when someone says, "I'll be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail," it always takes about 45 minutes? Just how big is a lamb's tail?
Ready? Package is up… and PULL!
Amazon claims it will use flying robot drones to deliver packages to us in the near future. Sorry, USPS. You've been replaced. Perhaps this is smart thinking on Amazon's part as they plan for a United States that may lose its short-sighted postal service. On the other hand, duck hunters now can have twice the fun blasting the bloody hell out of someone's 50 Shades of Grey novel.
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