Observations

Last night, the lovely Natalie and I had dinner with the adorably witty Melissa and her charming husband, Logan. Those two are quite a pair and kept us laughing all night. Her retelling of the evening is far better than I could do, so please read her version. She includes an excellent description of our harrowing encounter with Rottweiler Man, whose stinky breath I can still feel on my neck.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side…

Phyllis Glabstrubber. Phyllis Glabstrubber. American. Bunions are acting up again. The glasses help smelling flowers. Never paying $4.95 for a lousy paperback again. Bra is too tight. Dying for a Virginia Slims 100. Nope, don't like the Pepsi Clear, either. Call that a dog? Damn kids. Toilet papered the trees again last night. Shoe's coming apart. Running out of the Gold Bond powder. Think I'll upgrade to first class on this flight.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women…

Dear Heavyset, You sat next to me in the first class section of flight 427 this evening. I wasn't ruffled when you accidentally dropped your lead-filled carry-on bag on my crotch. I stifled a scream when you dropped your styrofoam cup of scalding decaf on my kneecap. I resisted the urge to break your pinky when you became uncontrollably flatulent during takeoff. Then you got out your reading material and that was simply too much. Really. The "Tao of Texas Holdem Poker"? Please. Perhaps I could have overlooked this as merely a lack of culture in your life. I tried…

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When men take women to shop for lingerie, there's one small problem. While you're off in your cramped changing room, slipping into your flimsy underthings, we have to stay outside and look natural. As any man can attest to, this is no small feat. Try putting your hands in your front pockets in a crowded Victoria's Secret sometime and see what kind of looks you get from other women. And security. I myself would not mind waiting, if it were not for this temporary discomfiture. However, knowing I may soon be seeing my lovely woman in less fabric than it…

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Carrot Top Carrot Top must be punished for being the least amusing comedian since Sheckie Green. His punishment will be to be buried alive with only his hair showing. Michael Jackson For years of being a spoiled, freakish, child-poking medical oddity, he must be surgically dismantled and melted down into candle wax. The candles will be sold to the Church of Satan. Cathy Guisewite For producing the worst comic about failed relationships in the history of newspapers, the Cathy creator will be forced to be a marriage counselor in the Darfur region of the Sudan. Mel Gibson As Mel feels…

You're dining alone, but you have multiple personalities. Is it proper to request separate checks? You're performing an exorcism on your significant other's mother. Is it socially acceptable to tie her down and gag her with duct tape? Your cable repairman has severe plumber's crack going on and a receipt is wedged in said crack. Do you: a) Remove it quickly and then burn your hands? b) Pretend to ignore it, while stifling church giggles? or c) Take pictures and post them on Davezilla? Your boss's combover is flipping in the wind during a company picnic. Is it acceptable to…

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Perhaps I'm just a bad man, but I still find it amusing when innocent people are put into terribly uncomfortable situations. Yesterday I had so much laundry to do that I decided to go to a laundromat and use those washers that are large enough to wash a convertible Mini Cooper. Two elderly ladies were there discussing church and giving disapproving looks to a young woman who had on a pair of jeans sized for a much smaller woman. I ignored them and kept working on my huge load. So to speak. About fifteen minutes later, I heard two shrieks…