How not to pick up girls

21 July, 2005Posted inObservations19 Comments
Today I witnessed the worst attempt at a pickup I have ever seen, and believe me, that is really saying something. The woman was attractive in a standard, tan, blonde Barbie-Doll kind of way. Well-dressed, curvy and just sexy enough to make most men snap their necks around. So she was in line buying a coffee when out of nowhere, this annoying, spiky-haired guy bursts in and gets about six inches from her face. "Yo baby, I can make you a model. You'll be making ten thou a day. No prob! Serious! You so hot, baby." Naturally she was repulsed…

Garlic buns

19 July, 2005Posted inObservations21 Comments
Astute readers will notice that today's photo is actually a souped-up version of the much-beloved "bootylicious" photo that randomly appears on this site's masthead. Why a clove of garlic? Read on… Yesterday a young woman walked past me with a rather odd thing planted on the seat of her pants. A drawing of a clove of garlic. Not something one sees every day. Google searches for the same turned up fruitless. I got to wondering what on earth a clove of garlic on the backside of a woman's pants could stand for. "My ass smells like pesto." "It's my school…

I’m sorry, what was the question?

13 July, 2005Posted inObservations16 Comments
Today's post was inspired by loyal reader, Dee Evans. He says, "How about you do one of those things where you give us the punchline and we have to come up with the joke?" An excellent idea. The punchline: So the penguin throws out the donuts and tells the midget prostitute, "See? It's just like riding a bike!" viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal…

Pep talk

11 July, 2005Posted inObservations16 Comments
It's not often one can walk into a public restroom and hear a conversation between a man and his penis. I had just that dubious honor bestowed upon me today in a certain downtown coffeehouse chain. The gentleman, who will not be named and may or may not be pictured below, was having trouble getting the pee going and gave his unit a brief pep talk. "C'mon, little man, You heard what the doctor said, now PERFORM! C'mooooooon!" viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6…

OK, fess up…

09 July, 2005Posted inObservations10 Comments
Someone has subscribed me to GQ. That's very nice as I happen to like it. I did not, however, need four copies of it. (But thank you just the same)viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra…

My thoughts are with you

07 July, 2005Posted inObservations24 Comments
To all my friends in London, my thoughts are with you and your families.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from india fda approves viagra free viagra sample what…

Useful movie quotes

07 July, 2005Posted inObservations34 Comments
Oftentimes one finds oneself without the proper quip or epigram for a given situation. In such times, I prefer to look to the arts — particularly trashy movies — for inspiration. Below are my new favorites. Feel free to use them on coworkers and bosses in response to… well anything, really. "You get out of here! And take your hand with you!" El Mariachi "Didn't I kill you already?" Hellboy "Pai Mei taught you the five point palm exploding-heart technique?" Kill Bill, Vol II "Yes. We can rebuild. Enlarge the containment field. Make it bigger and stronger than ever! But…

Reader Poll

06 July, 2005Posted inObservations21 Comments
What's more annoying? The soundtracks in softcore porn, or the soundtracks on the Weather Channel, and why?viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic viagra online try viagra for free generic viagra from india fda approves viagra free…

A woman’s touch

05 July, 2005Posted inObservations31 Comments
One thing that has always bothered me and that's when a woman tells a man, "This place really needs a woman's touch. It bothers me because a woman's touch generally means seizure-inducing floral prints and a concrete duck on the front porch that wears a seasonal apron. Here's what I mean: What you ownWhat she'll replace it with Beer bottle collectionHummel figurine collection* Neon Bud Light wall decorationFabric art that resembles misshapen rug samples glued together "Art" magazinesActual art magazines Engine on the kitchen tableHoliday-themed candle centerpieces Beach towels on the sofaChenille throws on the sofa "Yeah, it's got a…

Overheard: War of the Worlds edition

04 July, 2005Posted inObservations15 Comments
Warning: Movie spoiler ahead Well, not really, but if you're a stickler for not knowing anything about a movie in advance, don't say I didn't warn you. So I went to see WotW by myself Sunday and as always, sat directly in front of the stupid couple that have to explain every single scene to each other. Some examples of the inanity: Scene: Tom Cruise is playing catch with his son. His son hates him, and not just because he is a scene-stealing, cradle-robbing Scientologist. So Tom throws him a fast ball, and he steps aside to make sure it…

Note to Self, No. 5,618

02 July, 2005Posted inObservations18 Comments
No matter how careful you are, it is impossible to walk three blocks to your car with five coffees, wearing white jeans and not spill all over them at some point.viagra free viagra buy viagra online generic viagra how does viagra work cheap viagra buy viagra buy viagra online inurl viagra 6 free samples viagra online viagra for women viagra side effects female viagra natural viagra online viagra cheapest viagra prices herbal viagra alternative to viagra buy generic viagra purchase viagra online free viagra without prescription viagra attorneys free viagra samples before buying buy generic viagra cheap viagra uk generic…

PML 1.0 Specification

30 June, 2005Posted inObservations20 Comments
WARNING: Extreme geek humor ahead PML (Porno Markup Language), a pornographic computer language specification proposed by DL Byron is nearly ready for release by the W3C. The specifications are as follows: Latest version: http://www.w3.org/TR/porno-spec/ Previous version: http://www.w3.org/TR/2005/TIT-porno-spec-20050428/ Editor: DL Byron Contributors: Davezilla W3C Jerking Draft 30 June 2005 PML is a general-porno markup language designed for representing the sex industry for a wide range of perversions across the World Wide Web. To this end it does not attempt to be all things to all people, supplying every possible kinky jerkoff idiom, but to supply a generally useful set of naughty…