How not to pick up girls

Today I witnessed the worst attempt at a pickup I have ever seen, and believe me, that is really saying something. The woman was attractive in a standard, tan, blonde Barbie-Doll kind of way. Well-dressed, curvy and just sexy enough to make most men snap their necks around. So she was in line buying a coffee when out of nowhere, this annoying, spiky-haired guy bursts in and gets about six inches from her face. “Yo baby, I can make you a model. You’ll be making ten thou a day. No prob! Serious! You so hot, baby.”

Naturally she was repulsed and backed away from him. He kept it up and she finally told him to fuck off. He stormed out, swearing at her as loud as he could. I went up to her (not to do the same thing, trust me) and asked her, “Did he just say what I thought he said?”

“Yeah, I guess. He followed me all the way here, cat-calling and telling me how big it was.”

Fellas, please. If you plan on getting some, the following phrases simply will not work on strangers. (Not that I’ve tried them, ahem).

  1. Never tell her she has great big cow-like udders that you want to milk.
  2. Don’t tell her that her cameltoe, “reminds me of a large magazine rack”.
  3. Never tell her you want too see her dance naked in front of her dad (unless it’s Paris Hilton).
  4. Please don’t say that she looks, “a bit worse than a two dollar whore”.
  5. Never tell her that when she walked in, you thought she was one of your frat brothers on a bender.
  6. Do not mention that her ass reminded you of a baboon you once nailed at the zoo.
  7. Never tell her that you doubt you’ll catch anything from her that you don’t already have.
  8. Please don’t say she is “damn pretty for a Grey”.
  9. Do not reveal that you are Pauly Shore.
  10. Never mention that your “parole officer is expecting you back by 9PM.

Ladies, please feel free to add any nasty ones that have been thrust upon you (‘scuse the pun).

free viagra
buy viagra online
generic viagra
how does viagra work
cheap viagra
buy viagra
buy viagra online inurl
viagra 6 free samples
viagra online
viagra for women
viagra side effects
female viagra
natural viagra
online viagra
cheapest viagra prices
herbal viagra
alternative to viagra
buy generic viagra
purchase viagra online
free viagra without prescription
viagra attorneys
free viagra samples before buying
buy generic viagra cheap
viagra uk
generic viagra online
try viagra for free
generic viagra from india
fda approves viagra
free viagra sample
what is better viagra or levitra
discount generic viagra online
viagra cialis levitra
viagra dosage
viagra cheap
viagra on line
best price for viagra
free sample pack of viagra
viagra generic
viagra without prescription
discount viagra
gay viagra
mail order viagra
viagra inurl
generic viagra online paypal
generic viagra overnight
generic viagra online pharmacy
generic viagra uk
buy cheap viagra online uk
suppliers of viagra
how long does viagra last
viagra sex
generic viagra soft tabs
generic viagra 100mg
buy viagra onli
generic viagra online without prescription
viagra energy drink
cheapest uk supplier viagra
viagra cialis
generic viagra safe
viagra professional
viagra sales
viagra free trial pack
viagra lawyers
over the counter viagra
best price for generic viagra
viagra jokes
buying viagra
viagra samples
viagra sample
generic cialis
cheapest cialis
buy cialis online
buying generic cialis
cialis for order
what are the side effects of cialis
buy generic cialis
what is the generic name for cialis
cheap cialis
cialis online
buy cialis
cialis side effects
how long does cialis last
cialis forum
cialis lawyer ohio
cialis attorneys
cialis attorney columbus
cialis injury lawyer ohio
cialis injury attorney ohio
cialis injury lawyer columbus
prices cialis
cialis lawyers
viagra cialis levitra
cialis lawyer columbus
online generic cialis
daily cialis
cialis injury attorney columbus
cialis attorney ohio
cialis cost
cialis professional
cialis super active
how does cialis work
what does cialis look like
cialis drug
viagra cialis
cialis to buy new zealand
cialis without prescription
free cialis
cialis soft tabs
discount cialis
cialis generic
generic cialis from india
cheap cialis sale online
cialis daily
cialis reviews
cialis generico
how can i take cialis
cheap cialis si
cialis vs viagra
generic levitra
levitra attorneys
what is better viagra or levitra
viagra cialis levitra
levitra side effects
buy levitra
levitra online
levitra dangers
how does levitra work
levitra lawyers
what is the difference between levitra and viagra
levitra versus viagra
which works better viagra or levitra
buy levitra and overnight shipping
levitra vs viagra
canidan pharmacies levitra
how long does levitra last
viagra cialis levitra
levitra acheter
comprare levitra
levitra ohne rezept
levitra 20mg
levitra senza ricetta
cheapest generic levitra
levitra compra
cheap levitra
levitra overnight
levitra generika
levitra kaufen


  1. Hopefully that spiky-haired dude didn’t use all ten of these phrases at once.

  2. Coincidently my sleazy brother just sent me a whole list of atrocious pick up lines. The fact that he’s married proves Darwin wrong:

    -(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.
    – Nice legs… What time do they open?
    – Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
    – You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
    – Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
    – I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
    – I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
    – Wanna play army? I’ll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
    – I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
    – You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
    – I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
    – If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
    – (Look down at your crotch) Well, it’s not just going to suck itself.
    – You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
    – You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
    – Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
    – My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.
    – Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
    – Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
    – I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
    – Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
    – Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?

  3. Mandy

    A networking :geek: at work tried to impress me with how many miles of Ethernet he’d strung. 😐

  4. Amy

    “If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?…Please?”

  5. Chris

    I had a friend that actually got a girl with this line.

    “Nice shoes…wanna fuck?”

    I could not believe that had worked.

  6. Chris: You clearly don’t understand women.

    My contribution: “You’re ugly, but you fascinate me”

  7. Mandy, I would imagine you have heard some very interesting lines. ???

    How about.
    “You look like you have had a rough day. Sex always make me feel better. What do you say?”

    “So, is this going to happen or what?”

  8. Timonea

    My creepy brother-in-law is proud of this one :
    “Do you want to get a pizza and fuck? Or don’t you like pizza?”

  9. Spud

    so… no mentioning of plumbers crack would impress a girl ??

  10. And please don’t use “you’re so hot I can fry bacon on you” or “my dick just ain’t for peeing ya know”. They’re only funny in theory :razz:.

  11. DK

    Don’t tell her great looks remind you of an old girlfriend, who was, btw, a fu***g, cu** with a bad attitude and worse personality. 🙄

  12. At a WeightWatchers meeting:

    “Hey, baby… how many points is my dick?”

  13. Katlyn

    “do you have breast cancer?”

  14. My favorite is, “Is that a keg in your back pocket? ‘Cause I want to tap that ass!”

    My friend likes, “That’s a lovely shade of hot you’re wearing.”

  15. No kidding, in the past a typical way to propose marriage in rural Ireland was:

    “D’you want to be buried with my people?’

  16. PirateSimon

    Ahoy there, lassie! My parrot wants tae know if thar be an “x” painted on the seat of thy pants?

    Because methinks there be fabulous booty buried within! Arr!


  17. Steve

    “I’ve learned to breathe through my ears”

  18. newnicki

    I’d like to meet Steve.

  19. Andy

    My personal favorite:

    “Baby, gimme your mama’s address, I wanna send her a thank-you card!”

    Too bad I thought of it after I was already married, but it always gets a laugh.

Comments are closed