Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • OMG, an eagle!

    C.C.: [Points out car window] “Oh look! An eagle! OMG, it’s totally an eagle!”
    Me: “Um, that’s not an eagle. That’s just a crow with a piece of bread in its mouth.”
    C.C.: “Uh, huh. You’re right. OK. This does not leave this car.”
    Me: “The hell it doesn’t.”
    T.T.: “And to think, we get to see it eating its natural prey—bread.”
    C.C.: “All right. Enough.”
    Me: “You know, eagles developed their keen vision so they could spot wild herds of bread from a mile in the air. Then they swoop down and snatch one before it escapes.”
    C.C.: “Enough!”
    T.T.: “Bread can be quite wily, I hear.”
    Me: “Indeed. Very wily.”
    C.C.: “Fuckers.”

  • Caption Time #254

    caption time 254

  • One President to Rule them All

    Wow, I should have posted more drinking rules for last night’s Presidential debate. We could have been hammered from the following observations:

    1. One beer every time McCain said “My preciousssssss, I mean, my friennnnds.”
    2. One beer every time Obama ran over the one minute speaking limit
    3. One beer every time McCain hunched over and slunk around in the dark using his nocturnal vision to find blind cave fish.
    4. One beer every time Obama said “I have to correct the Senator”
    5. One beer every time McCain tried to steal the One Ring of Power back from his Master
    6. One beer every time Obama said “Tom, let me respond to that. I know, but let me respond.”
    7. One beer every time McCain led Obama to Shelob’s Palin’s lair
    8. One beer every time Obama said “Afghanistan, not Iraq”
    9. One beer every time McCain bit off one of Obama’s fingers
    10. What rules would you have added?

    Today’s post dedicated to Lizz. 😛

  • VP Debate Drinking Rules

    Tonight is the debate between Vice Presidential nominees, Sarah Palin (R) and Joe Biden (D). It promises to be a bloodbath. Let’s all establish some drinking rules. Please add any I’ve missed:

    1. Debate Drinking Rule #1: 1 beer every time they interrupt each other.
    2. Debate Drinking Rule #2: 1 beer every time she mentions hockey, lipstick or pitbulls
    3. Debate Drinking Rule #3: 1 beer every time Biden’s eyebrows grow exponentially wider
    4. Debate Drinking Rule #4: 1 beer every time Biden accuses Palin of smoking crack
    5. Debate Drinking Rule #5: 3 beers every time McCain butts in and answers for Palin
    6. Debate Drinking Rule #6: 1 beer every time Palin highsticks Biden
    7. Debate Drinking Rule #7: 1 beer every time Palin screws up geography
    8. Debate Drinking Rule #8: 1 beer every time Biden mentions dangerous foreign nations he’s barely been to
    9. Debate Drinking Rule #9: 1 beer every time Palin says, “Ya know,” (via Vanderwal)
    10. What drinking rules would you add?

    Update: I am thankful I did not make rules for “Energy-producing state” or “Gee” or I would be dead from alcohol poisoning.

  • Caption Time #252

  • Horseshit?

    Some influential bloggers have been wafting back and forth as to whether or not McCain said “horseshit” live during the debates. I am offering up some possibilities. Listen to the audio yourself and decide then leave your translation in the comments, puh-leeeze.

    1. Horschack
    2. Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego
    3. Horse Radish
    4. Whore’s tit
    5. Hoary Marmot
    6. Attention Whore
    7. Morse Code
    8. A horse is a horse, of course, of course
    9. Palin’s Lipstick
    10. What do you think McCain is actually saying?

  • Bring it, bitch! Shit is on!

    bring it bitch!

  • Gumbolaya

    Me: “May I have a cup of corn chowder with that?”
    Waitress: “We don’t have the chowder today. We have Chili and Gumbolaya.”
    Me: “Gumbo-laya? Did you mean Gumbo or Jambalaya?”
    Waitress: “Yes, Gumbolaya.” [Lizz stares across the table at me, wide-eyed]
    Me: “OK, I’ll try some, if only to see what it is.”
    [Waitress brings a cup of what is clearly just gumbo.]
    Waitress: “How’s that Gumbolaya tasting?”
    Me: “A lot like gumbo.”

  • What?

    What?

  • Simple math

    Doug Henning + Gene Shalit = Android Boy
    (Based on yesterday’s post…)

  • Things I Learned from Movies, Part III

    1. Bullets from heroes kill with one shot and in less than a second. Bullets from criminals maim, but if they do kill, it takes longer.
    2. Virginity protects you from serial killers.
    3. It only takes two people to turn a two ton fallen tree into a massive booby trap that operates by pulling a tiny wooden shim.
    4. Heroes’ handguns fire 70 shots and never miss. Criminals’ handguns fire six shots of questionable accuracy. They also ricochet more often than heroes.
    5. Heroes simply bleed less than criminals, who tend to bleed in arterial spray patterns resembling a Jackson Pollock painting.
    6. The first hot woman to appear onscreen in any spy movie is the double agent.
    7. All cars will explode into fireballs when rolling over a cliff or hill. It’s simple physics.
    8. Spaceships make lots of noise, despite the vacuum of space.
    9. Heat-seeking missiles turn on a dime. They’re more nimble in the air than a Ruby-Throated Hummingbird.
    10. What have you learned from movies?

  • Scubby?

    OK, dear readers. I am putting together a list and want your help. The few thousand of you who loyally read this site should have enough collective experience to make this happen. I’ve been fascinated by how each car and truck that has a cult-ish following has a nickname made up for it that all the owners know. For example, you all know Corvettes are called Vettes and Mini Coopers are called Minis or Coops, but did you know Ferraris are called Pony Cars? Subarus are called Scubbys? GTOs are Goats?

    So that’s what I’m making a list of and if you know of any, add it to the comments so I can have the definitive list which I will make freely available to everyone once it’s done.

    1. Chevy Cobalt: Balt or C-Balt
    2. Pontiac GTO: Goat
    3. Porsche: P-Car
    4. Ferrari: Pony Car
    5. Subaru: Scubby
    6. Mini Cooper: Mini or Coop
    7. Please add any you know in the comments. Thanks!