Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • Friday Question #7

     

    Who’s your daddy?

     

    Idiot boy here forgot to hit Publish after writing his post.

  • Friday Question #6

     

    Have you ever thought about mundane things (like taxes or groceries) during sex?

     

  • Friday Question #5

     

    What’s your least favorite sandwich filling?

     

  • Friday Question #4

     

    Which celebrity do your family and friends say you most resemble?

     

  • Things I Learned from Sports Movies

    1. Every sports movie will have an ‘80s sound track, no matter what decade it was produced in. The raspy singer will over-stretch his limited vocal range on the chorus causing the local bat population to go into estrus. The keyboards will feature default Casio sounds that are barely audible under the wailing guitar pyrotechnics.
    2. A down-and-out, last-place team can always be rallied into first place in one season by the simple addition of one player with a winning attitude.
    3. The local last place team will have facilities worse than those in most federal penitentiaries.
    4. A has-been great player can always be called out of retirement for one last big game—the one he he was born to win.
    5. Only one player on the team will have a girlfriend or wife, and she will be way hotter than he deserves.
    6. The team’s owner will be a Texan (or at least dress like one), with a Playboy Bunny wife who has slept with the entire team unbeknownst to him.
    7. The local sports writer will always “have it in” for one of the players and will use all manner of unethical tactics just to get a scoop or ruin the big game.
    8. One player on every team speaks no English whatsoever and becomes the butt of jokes. If the player is Eastern European in origin, s/he will also be freakishly large and have a carrot-sized mono-brow.
    9. If the team is high school or college level, there will always be a hot girl who dates the quarterback of the opposing team. She will fall for the worst player on the local losing team and help that team win at the expense of her own school, friends, teammates, family, etc.
    10. The local losing team will play the evil opposing team every week. There will be only two other teams in the league and they will be soundly defeated in a three-minute clip backed by a rousing ‘80s rock soundtrack.
    11. When the local losing team needs to raise money, they will somehow convince a dozen bikini models to work a car wash. Owing to the vast number of wealthy perverts driving dusty BMWs, the car wash will raise $60,0000 in one Saturday. The car wash scene will be the second longest scene in the entire film.
    12. The Big Game is the most important scene in a Sports Movie. Big Games are able to change the very fabric of space/time allowing players to make leaps that would stun a gazelle, slow-motion throws and Herculean acts of strength. Members of the opposing team will be so devastated that many will leave the field on stretchers.

    What have you learned from Sports Movies?

  • What’s in your background check?

    I once ran a background check on myself. Hey, I don’t always know where I’ve been. Most of it was fairly straightforward (previous addresses, phone numbers, tax records, etc.) but a few things arose that totally threw me. How did they know these things?

    For instance, they knew…

    1. …that I roll the toilet paper over, not under.
    2. …that I prefer boxers to briefs.
    3. …that I had favorited the History Channel, but never actually watched it.
    4. …that I know how to pick up an ice cube using only a piece of string and some salt.
    5. …that I know how to say “Dammit” in ten languages.
    6. …that I leave the water running when I brush my teeth.
    7. …that I never eat leftovers.
    8. …that I think ferrets are stinky pets.
    9. …that I still haven’t read Catcher in the Rye.
    10. …that I know where Waldo is.

    What would we find in your background check?

  • Friday Question #3

     

    If you could have a soundtrack play whenever you entered a room, what would it be?

     

  • I shit you not

    I travel for work a lot and my kittens have not been too happy about it. Last night, I figured I would make it up to them. I gave them catnip, brushed them, played with them for nearly two hours and told them they could sleep on the bed with me. The older one (Z) was clearly happy with this arrangement. Ninja, however, was wound up and hyperactive.

    All night he ran around, knocking over anything that wasn’t nailed down. So I locked him out of my bedroom. For the entire night. He wasn’t too happy about that. You should know that the litter boxes are kept in the Florida room, and the only access to that room is through my now-locked bedroom.

    You should also know, like many kittens, Ninja enjoys unrolling toilet paper. So after a night of being a terror, it was no surprise to see the current (entire) roll on the floor. An eagle’s aerie lined with double-ply absorbency. My other kitten Z, began sniffing at the nest cautiously. I lifted up some of the toilet paper and found Ninja had pooped on the toilet paper and “buried it” with more toilet paper. Such a smart little boy.

  • Things I Learned from Movies, Ninjas

    1. Modern Ninjas are generally six foot-tall white or Asian males, unmarried, who live on islands working as bodyguards for evil, French billionaires.
    2. Guard dogs cannot kill or overpower Ninjas, no matter how large or well-trained.
    3. Ninjas are not only silent — they’re mute from birth. They moonlight as mimes.
    4. Orphaned, white teenagers invariably become better at Ninjitsu than the 80 year-old Japanese masters who taught them.
    5. Ninja clans can hold grudges longer than the Middle East.
    6. Ninjas frequently hold practice sessions in abandoned New York warehouses that somehow still have electricity, but no rat or roach problems.
    7. Ninjas inevitably meet their end fighting in death matches held by their evil, French billionaire bosses.
    8. Despite their secrecy, Ninjas are actually quite easy to encounter or hire.
    9. When it comes to the discriminating, evil French billionaire, an army of Ninjas is the preferred weapon of choice over nuclear weapons, computer viruses, bio-terrorism or rabid Yorkies.

    What have you learned about Ninjas?

  • Things I Learned from Movies, Serial Killers

    1. If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died.
    2. If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map.
    3. Teenage sex attracts serial killers and cannibals.
    4. If you stab a serial killer, you will only be able to stab him just above the collarbone—an area that neither hurts him, not affects his ability to use his arm.
    5. While the skin of a serial killer can burn, his internal organs are flame-retardant, allowing him to survive explosions, 3rd degree burns and blow-torches.
    6. In any group of teenagers, the hottest girl will date the biggest asshole (he will also die the worst death).
    7. Serial killers can make less noise tromping through dead leaves than a snail on glass.
    8. Women running will invariably trip over an invisible branch. Wearing nothing but lingerie will increase the odds of tripping by roughly 50%.
    9. Serial killers are also bullet-proof. Bullets actually give them more strength and are quickly absorbed into their bloodstream like multi-vitamins.
    10. Serial killers cannot drown. They will simply relax underwater for several minutes, then silently creep up on you without dripping water.
    11. Never stand within arms’ reach of a dead serial killer. This will resurrect him and he will grab your ankle (or the bloody machete you left next to him).
    12. Virginity protects nerdy, bookish women from serial killers.
    13. Local police do not believe in the existence of serial killers. The surgical removal of all limbs was clearly the result of a tragic accident.
    14. Despite crime statistics showing most serial killers are “the guy next door,” according to Hollywood, serial killers all live in remote, backwoods regions that are invariably well-stocked with machetes, chain saws, Samurai swords, razor ribbon and military-grade explosives.
    15. Serial killers, fed on a protein-rich diet of teenage livers and spleen kabobs, develop powerful muscles that enable them to punch through safety glass, saunter through solid, brick walls and tear the roofs off of sedans as easily as opening an envelope.
    16. Serial killers have two fashion preferences: Cannibal Chic, a stunning ensemble consisting of hand-torn flannels and leather, accented with pentagrams, bird bones, animal heads and rusted chain suspenders. The other look — The Custodian — is more conservative. Look for a full-body jumpsuit with a monochromatic color scheme, finished with a blood-tinted hockey mask.

    What have you learned about serial killers?

  • Friday Saturday Question #2

    A day late, but I did post yesterday.

    If it was any bigger, would it break the bank?

     

    And here’s another question from Mandy (Locke, not MandyFish). “the girls who read your blog self-refer to ourselves as zilla girls. i never hear the boys call themselves zilla boys. i have a suggestion. since we’re like your posse, would could be like villains, but you know “zillains“.

    Zillains. I like it. What do you all think? If you re in favor of it, I will start a Cafe Press store for Zillain swag.

  • How to sit through an all-day meeting

    1. 8:00AM: Listen attentively. Take fastidious notes that would put a science reporter to shame.
    2. 9:00AM: Tap chin with pen while slightly lifting brows to appear highly engrossed.
    3. 10:00AM: Take a relaxed sidelong glance at the clock for no reason. Notice a thirst developing.
    4. 10:15AM: Finally let out for a 15 minute break. Crack a joke about bladder control with coworker, grab another coffee and cringe when team leader says time’s up.
    5. 11:38PM: Stare incessantly at clock waiting for lunch hour.
    6. 12:00PM: Turn white-faced in horror when team leader announces that we should “really go till 12:30 to get through as much of this as possible before lunch.”
    7. 12:36PM: Vow to murder the catering company who still hasn’t delivered lunch.
    8. 12:41PM: Lunch arrives; cold. Promise to only maim the caterers out in the parking lot and leave them with a pronounced limp.
    9. 2:00PM: Drowsiness sets in. Multiple attempts to prevent eyelid flutter. Unexpectedly interesting sentence snaps you out of it long enough to form a decent question.
    10. 3:00PM: Momentary glance at cell phone. Silly Twitter messages break up boredom.
    11. 4:00PM: Aha! Four already! In the homestretch now.
    12. 4:10PM: Look back up at clock. How can it have only been 10 minutes? It should be 5:00 already.
    13. 4:15PM: Frantic glance back at clock. Begin thinking of after work plans. Prepare excuse to leave right at five for a “previous engagement” since it’s too late in the day for the dental appointment excuse.
    14. 4:16PM: Seriously? One minute? Calm yourself.
    15. 4:22PM: Begin burning holes in the clock with your heat vision.
    16. 4:37PM: Hey! It passed 4:30 and you didn’t even notice. Things should be wrapping up now.
    17. 4:39PM: Any second now.
    18. 4:41PM: Q&A? Dammit! Annoying coworker asks a two-part question to appear important. Apple polisher.
    19. 4:45PM: Dismayed that answer is taking longer than you anticipated. Receive evil glares from coworkers.
    20. 4:58PM: Finally! Begin packing up laptop only to hear annoying coworker ask one more question.
    21. 5:10PM: Stare at coworker in horror as he asks more sub-questions.
    22. 5:12PM: Stand up quickly as speaker finishes answering only to have boss ask everyone to go around and give their opinions and thank yous to the speaker before leaving.
    23. 5:47PM: Faint.