Hurricane Categories Explained

11 October, 2024Posted inObservationsNo Comments
Hurricane strength levels are based on the amount of damage they cause. To make them easier to understand, follow this completely unscientific guide I made up: Cat 1: Plane full of screaming toddlersCat 2: Motorcycle gang moves in next doorCat 3: Killer Bees crossbreed with crowsCat 4: Hail the size of Toyota PriusesCat 5: Army of Karens at a Black Friday sale
Chickens are metal

Chickens are metal

21 March, 2024Posted inObservations
I just had a “Snap Meal” from Imperfect Foods. Prior to this “meal” I assumed that chickens were avian, organic lifeforms, descended from dinosaurs. I know better now. They are, in fact, one of the toxic heavy metal compounds along with lead, arsenic, beryllium, et al. Hiding them in orange grease does not disguise their metallurgic origins. Chickens are a metal.

Close encounters of the work kind

03 March, 2023Posted inObservations
A former coworker posted something today about the awkwardness of running into coworkers in public places. How, despite liking that person, you instantly lose the ability to form speech. It reminded me how even passing coworkers in the hallway at work can be awkward and soul-destroying. First Encounter: You smile, exchange pleasantries, and move on. Second Encounter: The briefest of eye contact, the “I’m busy, pal” dismissive smile and a simian grunt that resembles the word, “Hey.” Third Encounter: The upward head bob. No eye contact is made. The exchange is silent and understood. Fourth Encounter: You pretend to be…
A Greek statue of a man facepalming from all the client lies he hears

Lies clients (still) tell freelancers

13 February, 2023Posted inObservations, Original Humor
The lies clients tell freelancers never change. I often wonder if there's a business class where the prof tells students which lies to use on us. When we go IPO, your cut will be huge. You’ll be raking it in because you were there for us at the beginning.” “This is the kind of project that will make your career. You can write your own future after this.” “I need you to do me a solid on this one. I know it’s a nothing budget and the turnaround time is physically impossible, but this will lead to so many more…
When do we decide if someone is batshit crazy?

When do we decide if someone is batshit crazy?

16 June, 2022Posted inObservations
I know. That term is politically incorrect. And I am not applying it to those with true mental illnesses. I’m talking about those times when eccentricity goes a wee bit over the top. And stays there. You’ve doubtless met others who have decided to become eccentric, perhaps even the town eccentric, but it was clearly a conscious act on their part. Those people. True eccentricity, I believe, is unconscious. The person may not know their actions are in fact, not in societal expectations. Those people are fantastic and bring color to life. Back to being batshit crazy. There is a…

Only in Royal Oak…

24 July, 2021Posted inObservations
Longtime readers will know that I have spent the majority of my life in Royal Oak, Michigan — a strange little town with a penchant for weirdness. We could just as easily deserve our own version of Austin’s tagline. “ Keep Royal Oak weird.” Last night, while walking home with my honey, we noticed another oddity. Only in Royal Oak can you purchase a gallon of Bulleit Rye, Falafel, an Bitcoin, all in the same … gas station. Falafel, Bitcoin, and Booze by the gallon, What more could you ask for from a gas station?

Garganornis: Even its name is evil

05 July, 2021Posted inObservations, Original Humor
Just picture being a Cro Magnon. You’ve just gotten a nice cave in the ‘burbs for the fam. Worked hard on the garden damn, those 15 lb. Rafflesia flowers are looking fine. Then you hear it. Honking. Not the wimpy honk of a long-dead Velociraptor. Nope. There used to be a giant goose named Garganornis. It was so tall, it stood up to Chris Helmsworth’s nipples. Picture a flock of giant geese shitting on your lawn and not just hissing at you. These fuckers would just eat your face and change your cable channels. Garganornis ballmanni. Photo via WikiMedia.
Photo by @rocinante_11 Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Ten things that bug me about lockdown

25 February, 2021Posted inObservations1 Comment
Having to actually answer the phone because people know I am home.Seeing dust enough to actually feel compelled to do something about it.My Amazon bill.My dog only barks during Zoom meetings.My dog only shits on the floor during Zoom meetings.My dog only gets hungry during Zoom meetings.Not having mail.Having mail.People I don't like that can recognize me in a mask from 100 yards.People I like that cannot recognize me in a mask from 100 inches. What bugs you about lockdown?