Year: 2007

Identifying more arsehole drivers in front of you.

1. Texters: True story: Tuesday, I had to swerve to avoid a woman who almost ran me off the road. She was completely unaware of this. She was too busy texting on her cell phone. She was a large woman, and used her ponderous breasts to steer. Her left hand was busy cradling her phone, while her right hand gingerly poked at the keys. Her fingernails were the same length as her fingers, curved like talons, making her typing take attention away from other distractions like say, watching the road.
2. The Braker: StevieC pointed this tribe out and I’d like to expand on those observations a bit: This driver is prepared for any emergency by always driving with their left foot on the brake at all times. But why? It starts with fear. This tribe was bullied at school, afraid to run through the house with scissors and leaves the light on at night. Now you’re telling them to get on a road with thousands of giant metal boxes, hurtling toward oblivion at 60 MPH? The nerve of us.
3. The Adjusters: Ever been caught in a traffic jam that seems to have no cause? After two hours crawling at 2 MPH, you finally reach what must surely be the scene of a four car rollover. It is in fact, one idiot who needed to adjust his radio. He, is an Adjuster. This is a new tribe, obsessed with the settings in the car. They will come to a complete stop on an expressway just to find the perfect wiper speed. They must be run off the road as quickly as possible.

Identifying the arsehole driver in front of you.

1. The Midwestern Bookworm: The Bookworm loves to read. Right now, she is in the fast lane in front of you, finishing the last chapter of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which is spread open across her steering wheel. Her emotional reactions to her reading material greatly affect her ability to commit to a single lane. Should you be unfortunate enough to resemble the antagonist in her story, you will be promptly run off the road.
2. The North American Talker: Far more common on major roads are the tribe known as North American Talkers. Completely self-centered (yes, more than most Yanks, Spud), the Talkers are more engrossed in their cell phone than the road. They will only put their phone on hold long enough to tell the the police that they were not using their phone when they drove through the café window.
3. Dodge Ogler: An almost exclusively male tribe, the Oglers drive enormous Dodge pickup trucks, using the added height of their knobby wheels to peer down the blouse of the driver next to them. Easily identified by a pathetic moustache (circa 1978), excessive chest hair, a King mullet, a tattoo of “Taz” holding booze, and a bumper sticker that informs the public of the dangers of buying foreign automobiles or his fondness for oversized breasts.

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed a change in the patter of waitstaff. I only pay attention to these things because I was once a waiter, myself. Time was, a server would come by, a minute or so into the meal and ask, “How is everything?” A concise sentence.

Nowadays, servers come when you have one bite left in your meal. “Is everything tasting OK?” they blurt out, without making eye contact. I have several problems with this:

1. It’s just a lame thing to say. Would your mother ask you that?
2. It assumes that your only possible issue could be flavor, avoiding the issue of say, bad service? A crappy table? Overly loud big screen TVs? No, you are only allowed to respond to one question and it’s probably too late in the meal for it to matter
3. What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree? Something else bugging you?

I just received a spam entitled, “Make You’re Penis the Size of You’re Entire Body!!!!!” Ignoring the atrocious punctuation errors, this message is troubling on several levels. First off, I’m six-foot three. Having a penis of equal length could pose some serious tactical issues.

1. How would I store it when not in use? I could use one of those garden hose rollers, but that might be impractical at work (or swimming)
2. Where would it go when wearing normal clothes? Dragging it behind me on the street is out, as is throwing it ’round my neck as a scarf. If my belt loops had enough diameter, it could be quite a conversation starter as a belt
3. It might be mistaken for an escaped zoo python and attacked by frightened villagers
4. Natalie is only five foot two. Well, let’s not go there

Michelle Madigan, for thinking she is smarter than the hackers at DEFCON. Sorry, Michelle. These are the brightest minds in the United States. You aren’t.

I should mention that I have been a member of DEFCON for years; I even did the logo for DEFCON Groups, so if I take schadenfreude over this, you will understand why.

Maven’s recent post about the homeless man jerking off in public reminded me of a similar experience I had. No, I wasn’t a homeless, black man. Way back in the day, when Detroit had an awesome indie scene, I went to see Echo and the Bunnymen at St. Andrews Hall. Typical of most old concert halls, there are not enough restrooms for the number of patrons, so the line for the women’s room extended far into the front lobby.

At some point, the bouncers must not have been looking, because a very large man—clearly mentally challenged—wandered in. He stumbled about in the main lobby, staring at the open door to the ladies room and begin to touch himself. A few seconds later, he had dropped trou and was having a good old time, despite being stared at by hundreds of aghast punks.

The next minute, he was unceremoniously thrown down the concrete steps to the street and promptly beaten to a pulp by the Australopithicene bouncers.

How about you? Have you ever witnessed anyone so comfortable with their surroundings that they began working it in public? So share with the rest of the class.

You’ve been drinking beer (legally) for 22 years now. It’s about time you learned to drink beer from a bottle without backing up the carbonation and causing a beer fountain on the table. Seriously.

Special Guest Author: It’s Me Maven

1. Kokigami: Performance Enhancing Adornments for the Adventurous Man
2. Ouchy the Clown
3. Brief Jerky!
4. Karate guy craps his pants [Video]
5. The “Man Mitt”
6. Rent a Dildo [NSFW]

1. As the jogger passes you on the sidewalk, tear a strip of cloth quickly and see if they stop to check their pants for rips.
2. Hide in the bushes of a quiet street with an airhorn.
3. Hold up a score card as they pass you with a very low number. Act disappointed.
4. Run out in front of the jogger, wildly flailing your arms and scream, “My God! The bees!”
5. Hold up a wanted poster. Look back and forth between the poster and the jogger. Scream, “That’s him! He’s getting away!”
6. Have one person squirt them head to toe with diluted glue. Than have a clown chase them, showering them with confetti or feathers.
7. Throw hot macaroni and cheese at them. Everyone loves macaroni and cheese!
8. If you have no mac and cheese handy, toss a few ferrets. They’re wiggly and fun.
9. Chase them down, reciting Dixie Chicks lyrics loudly and with feeling.
10. What are your ideas? Do share with the rest of the class.