Spotting a Bad Date

She counts the number of syllables you say in each sentence and informs you. She sits down to watch the Disney Channel with your parents. In the nude. She believes Jack Chick tracts to be very real and accurate. She wears sweatsocks under her nylons. Her armpit hair is corn-rowed. Your friends tell you that […]

Mario unleashed

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IKEA has interesting manuals

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Imaginary post

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More people we can safely dislike #4

Ex-Marines who constantly say, “Hey. That’s how we did it in the Corps.” The guy who feels compelled to one-up every story anyone tells The masses who annually forget how to brake after the first 1/2″ of snow falls. Mainly Southerners, who—bless their hearts—can’t drive decently any time of the year People who brag at […]

Marilyn Manson’s Grandmother

Today, I saw this. She had apparently just made a stop in Noir Leather (local S&M boutique) for a miniskirt and some knee-high leather fuckme boots. This would normally be kind of hot except that she was well over 50 and had doughy jowls that hung like turkey wattles. The 80s padded shoulders, topped with […]

What I’m thankful for

I am thankful that my family doesn’t make me eat tofurkey I am thankful that ferrets do not have opposable thumbs I am thankful that cars don’t run on pudding I am thankful that David Lee Roth is not a paramedic where I live I am thankful that my landlords chose lime and indigo for […]

A jillion things about me

I do not own a waistcoat I am not a member of the Illuminatus I am non-stick and won’t fade in warm water I have never yelled at a Praying Mantis I detest gauchos, skorts and ugs Mice fear me I hold low opinions of the willfully ignorant I prefer beer to liquor and soy […]

Overheard: Goblet of Fire Edition

During a screening of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Natalie and I ended up sitting next to J-Lo’s hairstylist (or so he claimed). He also claimed (loudly) that he did hair for Natasha Stilwell, host of Discovery Canada’s Daily Planet show. His comments gave me weeks of material, but I’ve decided to condense […]

Chick magnet

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