Things I Learned from Movies, Ninjas

17 January, 2009Posted inObservations9 Comments
Modern Ninjas are generally six foot-tall white or Asian males, unmarried, who live on islands working as bodyguards for evil, French billionaires. Guard dogs cannot kill or overpower Ninjas, no matter how large or well-trained. Ninjas are not only silent — they’re mute from birth. They moonlight as mimes. Orphaned, white teenagers invariably become better at Ninjitsu than the 80 year-old Japanese masters who taught them. Ninja clans can hold grudges longer than the Middle East. Ninjas frequently hold practice sessions in abandoned New York warehouses that somehow still have electricity, but no rat or roach problems. Ninjas inevitably meet…

Things I Learned from Movies, Serial Killers

13 January, 2009Posted inObservations31 Comments
If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died. If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map. Teenage sex attracts serial killers and cannibals. If you stab a serial killer, you will only be able to stab him just above the collarbone—an area that neither hurts him, not affects his ability to use his arm. While the skin of a serial killer can…

Friday Saturday Question #2

10 January, 2009Posted inObservations25 Comments
A day late, but I did post yesterday. If it was any bigger, would it break the bank?   And here's another question from Mandy (Locke, not MandyFish). "the girls who read your blog self-refer to ourselves as zilla girls. i never hear the boys call themselves zilla boys. i have a suggestion. since we're like your posse, would could be like villains, but you know "zillains". Zillains. I like it. What do you all think? If you re in favor of it, I will start a Cafe Press store for Zillain swag.

How to sit through an all-day meeting

08 January, 2009Posted inObservations28 Comments
8:00AM: Listen attentively. Take fastidious notes that would put a science reporter to shame. 9:00AM: Tap chin with pen while slightly lifting brows to appear highly engrossed. 10:00AM: Take a relaxed sidelong glance at the clock for no reason. Notice a thirst developing. 10:15AM: Finally let out for a 15 minute break. Crack a joke about bladder control with coworker, grab another coffee and cringe when team leader says time's up. 11:38PM: Stare incessantly at clock waiting for lunch hour. 12:00PM: Turn white-faced in horror when team leader announces that we should "really go till 12:30 to get through as…

An Open Letter to Marriott Hotels

07 January, 2009Posted inObservations21 Comments
Dear Marriott, I spend many nights in your hotels on various business trips. Generally, I have a good stay. Your staff is courteous and helpful, the rooms clean. But I do have a few suggestions. English Muffins should generally made from flour, not a high-quality latex rubber. You might want to look into that. Your "Orange Ginger" hand lotion should be renamed "Lemon Pledge" as its scent is a dead ringer for the wood polish Not wishing to repeat a breakfast of latex muffins, this morning I opted for hash brown potatoes. HINT: they need to be cooked before they…