Things I Learned from Sports Movies

29 January, 2009Posted inObservations21 Comments
Every sports movie will have an ‘80s sound track, no matter what decade it was produced in. The raspy singer will over-stretch his limited vocal range on the chorus causing the local bat population to go into estrus. The keyboards will feature default Casio sounds that are barely audible under the wailing guitar pyrotechnics. A down-and-out, last-place team can always be rallied into first place in one season by the simple addition of one player with a winning attitude. The local last place team will have facilities worse than those in most federal penitentiaries. A has-been great player can always…

What’s in your background check?

26 January, 2009Posted inObservations37 Comments
I once ran a background check on myself. Hey, I don't always know where I've been. Most of it was fairly straightforward (previous addresses, phone numbers, tax records, etc.) but a few things arose that totally threw me. How did they know these things? For instance, they knew… …that I roll the toilet paper over, not under. …that I prefer boxers to briefs. …that I had favorited the History Channel, but never actually watched it. …that I know how to pick up an ice cube using only a piece of string and some salt. …that I know how to say…

I shit you not

19 January, 2009Posted inObservations17 Comments
I travel for work a lot and my kittens have not been too happy about it. Last night, I figured I would make it up to them. I gave them catnip, brushed them, played with them for nearly two hours and told them they could sleep on the bed with me. The older one (Z) was clearly happy with this arrangement. Ninja, however, was wound up and hyperactive. All night he ran around, knocking over anything that wasn't nailed down. So I locked him out of my bedroom. For the entire night. He wasn't too happy about that. You should…

Things I Learned from Movies, Ninjas

17 January, 2009Posted inObservations9 Comments
Modern Ninjas are generally six foot-tall white or Asian males, unmarried, who live on islands working as bodyguards for evil, French billionaires. Guard dogs cannot kill or overpower Ninjas, no matter how large or well-trained. Ninjas are not only silent — they’re mute from birth. They moonlight as mimes. Orphaned, white teenagers invariably become better at Ninjitsu than the 80 year-old Japanese masters who taught them. Ninja clans can hold grudges longer than the Middle East. Ninjas frequently hold practice sessions in abandoned New York warehouses that somehow still have electricity, but no rat or roach problems. Ninjas inevitably meet…

Things I Learned from Movies, Serial Killers

13 January, 2009Posted inObservations31 Comments
If you inherit a mansion, it will be haunted by a murderous ghost. You will not be notified of this until at least three people with you have died. If your family owns a cabin, it will be in an area far from civilization, off a road that never made it to any map. Teenage sex attracts serial killers and cannibals. If you stab a serial killer, you will only be able to stab him just above the collarbone—an area that neither hurts him, not affects his ability to use his arm. While the skin of a serial killer can…