Recent Effluvia:

  • Friday Question #13

     

    What’s the worst thing that’s happened to you while driving?

    I ask because while driving home from the airport yesterday, a large Wolf Spider jumped off my visor and landed on my forearm

  • Friday Question #12

     

    Do you have any photos online that you rather wish weren’t?

     

  • What Your Language Sounds Like To Me

    Possibly the most offensive post I have ever written. But since I am picking on everyone’s language, it’s sort of equal opportunity offensiveness. Enjoy!

    1. Farsi: Like a Spaniard with Downs Syndrome is reciting the German alphabet while eating toast
    2. Welsh: Like a foppish Englishman with a cleft palette is choking on a spider
    3. Vietnamese: I concur with David Sedaris who wrote, “While our language flows from our mouths, the Vietnamese language sounds as if it is being forced from the speaker by a series of heavy and merciless blows to the stomach.”
    4. Hawaiian: Like American toddlers making up nonsense syllables
    5. Albanian: Like Americans poorly imitating Russian gypsies with Whooping Cough
    6. French Canadian: Like really bored Argentinians imitating how Americans sound speaking French
    7. Cajun Patois: Like a Haitian, imitating a Frenchman, imitating a Canadian, imitating an Acadian. Oh wait. That’s kinda what it is.
    8. Michigan: Bugs Bunny

    What do foreign languages sound like to you?

  • Starbucks BINGO

    Starbucks BINGO

    Click on image for larger version. Here’s a downloadable PDF version. Please feel free to repost or share if you want to.

  • Song of Solomon, Deconstructed

    If you’ve ever read the Song of Solomon in the bible—a love poem between two lovers—then you’ve read one of the weirdest books ever. The way the woman is described makes her sound like something only H.P. Lovecraft could conceive of. In fact, this guy may have been writing about Cthulhu. If I told my fiancée that her breasts looked like two deer and her teeth like sheep, I think I’d be sleeping on the couch for a month.

    Let’s look at a few choice verses:

    Her:

    1. # Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
      So, she has eyes like doves. Red and on both sides of her head? Her hair is like goats: smelly, charging down a hill and prone to chewing on tires?
    2. Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet
      Man, those are some thin lips! A thread? That would be like kissing nothing.
    3. Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
      Just how long is this chick’s neck? A thousand shields can hang from it? This is Sparta!
    4. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.
      So her breasts have small horns, are covered in brown fur and hang down to the flowers? Hot!
    5. Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.
      Stand back; this one’s a drooler and her clothes have been in the cedar closet all year.
    6. A garden inclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.
      Nowadays, we solve the “spring shut up, fountain sealed” issue with a healthy squirt of lube.
    7. My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.
      If this is referring to one of those Two Girls and a Cup videos, I’m gonna puke.
    8. I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer.
      But he left $100 on the nightstand.
    9. Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies.
      Sounds like someone’s been doing body shots!
    10. This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes.
      Yearly mammograms are important in the early detection of grape-like lumps.
    11. I am a wall, and my breasts like towers: then was I in his eyes as one that found favour.
      What kind of cup size is that? Is it measured in exponents?

    Him:

    1. His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven.
      In California, that’s called fake and bake tanning.
    2. His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set.
      Milky eyes? Where I come from, we call that cataracts.
    3. His cheeks are as a bed of spices, as sweet flowers: his lips like lilies, dropping sweet smelling myrrh.
      Assuming she is referring to the cheeks on his head. There’s this thing called a washcloth, and regular usage prevents fungal buildup from becoming a garden.
    4. His hands are as gold rings set with the beryl: his belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires.
      A blue stomach is the sign of congestive heart failure. Might want to give the doc a call.
    5. His legs are as pillars of marble, set upon sockets of fine gold: his countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars.
      Those are some fancy prosthetic limbs he’s sporting!
  • Drive a bench. Look cool.

    You'd look cool driving me

    If I knew in high school that all I had to do to look cool was drive a bench…

  • More people we can safely dislike #22

    Oh man. I have been subjected to appalling grammar this week. I want to put these folks under citizens arrest … for the murder of the English language!

    1. People who say “360°” when they meant “180°,” as in “His attitude went 360°.” That doesn’t mean he changed his attitude. That means it’s right back where it started, fucktard.
    2. People who mix up there, their and they’re.
    3. People who can’t recall the simple ‘i’ before ‘e’ rule.
    4. Amerikans who kant spell rite. (See below)

    lanaguage

  • Survey Results

    Thank you for taking the poll! 1,240 of you responded. Here is how you responded:

    1. 48% of you want stripper poles
    2. 43% of you want polls brought back
    3. 47% of you want to use your Facebook logins
    4. 34% of you want to use the Google logins that were in the sidebar
    5. 18% of you are rockin’ the OpenIDs
    6. 59% of you want more blog, fewer features
    7. 41% of you wants moar bukkit!
    8. 78% of you want a mix of posts and photos
    9. 18% of you want pictures only
    10. 3% of you can read
    11. 344 of you want more Zilla Girl pictures
    12. 54 of you want me to bring back Anagram Interviews
    13. 19 of you want more pictures of Mandy Locke
    14. 11 of you like bewbs
    15. 2 of you want to know where you left your keys
  • Zilla Survey

    Strictly to serve you better. No salesman will call.
    [SURVEYS 1]

Swiggety-Swag

I make things. People buy them.

Tarot of the Unexplained

USD $22.95

  • The first tarot deck to include cryptids, the paranormal, portals, and Forteana.
  • Silver, gilded-edge 30 gsm cards
  • Includes a 96-page full-color book

Magical AI Grimoire

USD $22.95

  • 288 page grimoire chronicling the magical community’s adoption of tech and AI
  • Learn how to use AI for spells from multiple magical systems point of view
  • Forward by Peter J. Carroll