Recent Effluvia:

Why is he smiling?

10 December, 2009
First rack

This is clearly the first set of breasts this geek has ever seen.

07 December, 2009
Bigfoot’s Diary

2 Dec 2009
10 AM: Spent the morning leaving deliberate tracks in the snow near that stupid hunter’s cabin. Made sure to leave a clump of rat hair on fence nearby. Took a long dump on his front porch, but decided to scoop it up and smoosh it in his mailbox instead. PUNK’D!

Thought it might be funny to remind the park rangers of my existence, so I walked in front of the infra-red wildlife cameras. Here’s the trick to wildlife cameras. Listen for the click and release of the shutter. Count carefully, so when you walk in front of the lens, your body is out of frame—save an arm or leg. It’s also a good idea to rub some skunk urine on the lens so you look sorta blurry when the shutter releases. Ooh snap!

3 PM: Swallowed a bug while running away from two drunken hunters. I had the last laugh, of course. One of them ran into a tree and passed out. I tied him up naked in front of the infra-red camera. The other one began wheezing and turned all purply. I bucked his knees out and he hit the dirt like a sweaty Christmas ham. Why do these guys all wear bright orange AND camouflage? Sending a mixed message or bad fashion sense? You be the judge. I had other plans for him. My daughter wants a pet and with Christmas around the corner… Well, let’s just say rednecks are generally a lot easier to housebreak than puppies.

03 December, 2009
Caption Time #299

02 December, 2009
Annual Thanksgiving Day List
Longtime readers know that every year I write a list on Thanksgiving of what I am thankful for. This year is no exception. Please let everyone know what you are thankful for in the comments.

I am thankful that…
1. …Sarah Palin is back to being America’s prettiest moose hunter.
2. …cats cannot manipulate Plutonium.
3. …unlike killer bees, poutine has not managed to cross the border into the US.
4. …Uggs are not mandatory school uniform wear. Nor are Crocs.
5. …Paris Hilton has disappeared from the media spotlight.
6. …icebergs cannot fly.
7. …mullets are popular again. Just for the comedic value I require.
8. …people still don’t “get” Twitter, cause I’ll have a job as long as they don’t.
9. …my parents don’t text me in LOLCATSPEEK
10. …we do not serve balut for Thanksgiving.
26 November, 2009
Tastes like what?

21 November, 2009
Caption Time #298

11 November, 2009
Caption Time #297

07 November, 2009
Braised Fresh Dave

01 November, 2009
Collective Nouns for Web 2.0
Back in the Middle Ages, knowing what collective noun was applied to a group of animals was taken quite seriously. We all know the common ones, such as herd of cows, a pack of dogs, a flock of birds, but there were plenty of obscure ones like an exaltation of larks, a murder of crows, a shrewdness of apes, etc. Time for some new collective nouns for Internet groupings.
1. If a group of whales is a pod, is a group of teenagers an iPod?
2. A nuisance of 4Chan members
3. A nest of Tweeple (Twitter users)
4. A channel of YouTube watchers
5. A pool of Flickrites
6. A patch of hackers
7. A flaming of trolls
8. A backdoor of hackers
9. An absence of MySpace members
10. A wall of Facebook friends
11. A time suck of Farmville players
Which ones did you think of?
31 October, 2009
Caption Time #296

28 October, 2009
How to Speak Waiter
1. “I made this drink special for you. It has a unique, subtle flavor.”
  “I’ve added a toxic cleaning chemical to poison you. Can you guess what it is before the EMT arrives?”
2. “May I take this out of your way?”
  “You selfish bastard. You’re taking up a table for four by yourself during our dinner rush. I will continue to remove things until it soaks through your proto-hominid skull that you’re not wanted.”
3. “How is everything tasting?”
  “I don’t give a shit how my service is, so I won’t ask you about it.”
4. “Small, medium or large?”
  “Just choose the large, fat-ass.”
5. “Would you like to hear the specials?”
  “I just want 15 more seconds at your table to stare down your date’s blouse.”
6. “Is the house red, OK?”
  “Clearly, you couldn’t tell a Malbec from a Chianti if it bit you in the ass.”
7. “Sir, the men’s washroom is all the way down the stairs, turn right, then two lefts, through two more hallways and actually upstairs in the next building.”
  “I’m ensuring you’ll be lost for a good 20 minutes while I hit on your wife.”
8. “I can move this table out for you, if it’s too close to the wall.”
  “I can’t see how short your skirt is, otherwise.”
9. “Oh, so sorry I spilled wine on your nice, white shirt. Allow me to pay for the cleaning bill.”
  “Your wife’s breasts distracted me while I was pouring. And that’s a fine Malbec grape. Not that you would know. It will never come out. You’re basically fucked.”
10. “It’s a pungent bleu cheese with a … complicated flavor.”
  “It’s rubbish. No, literally. We dug it out of the back of our fridge, scraped off the fuzzy bits and gave it a bullshit French name so we could charge more for it.”
What terms have you learned from the waitstaff?
20 October, 2009