Recent Effluvia:

2 Dec 2009
10 AM: Spent the morning leaving deliberate tracks in the snow near that stupid hunter’s cabin. Made sure to leave a clump of rat hair on fence nearby. Took a long dump on his front porch, but decided to scoop it up and smoosh it in his mailbox instead. PUNK’D!

Thought it might be funny to remind the park rangers of my existence, so I walked in front of the infra-red wildlife cameras. Here’s the trick to wildlife cameras. Listen for the click and release of the shutter. Count carefully, so when you walk in front of the lens, your body is out of frame—save an arm or leg. It’s also a good idea to rub some skunk urine on the lens so you look sorta blurry when the shutter releases. Ooh snap!

3 PM: Swallowed a bug while running away from two drunken hunters. I had the last laugh, of course. One of them ran into a tree and passed out. I tied him up naked in front of the infra-red camera. The other one began wheezing and turned all purply. I bucked his knees out and he hit the dirt like a sweaty Christmas ham. Why do these guys all wear bright orange AND camouflage? Sending a mixed message or bad fashion sense? You be the judge. I had other plans for him. My daughter wants a pet and with Christmas around the corner… Well, let’s just say rednecks are generally a lot easier to housebreak than puppies.