Recent Effluvia:

  • What I Learned from Movies: Car Chases

    1. All car in a chase will eventually run into an Italian fruit stand ominously parked in the middle of the road. This fruit stand is an omen of death and the proprietor is actually a minor demon; a minion of Lucifer set to test mankind’s will… and driving skills.
    2. Alternatively, two elderly identical men will be carrying a large pane of glass across the street without OSHA-approved gear. It is rumored that the glass industry is in a slump, and employees are required to listen to police radios for possible police chases. This gives them ample opportunity to sue for exorbitant insurance claims.
    3. All car car chases will at some point, venture through a narrow alley requiring drivers to either turn their cars at an angle to continue, or fire a Glock 27 at a dumpster, turning it into a single-use ramp.
    4. At some point, it will be necessary to drive at top speed on a crowded sidewalk, preferably through an outdoor café. The patrons of the café—their senses heightened by espresso and Brésiliennes—have cat-like reflexes and will roll and flip away from the oncoming vehicles with an agility that would put an Olympic gymnast to shame.
    5. Another omen appearing in the typical car chase is the elderly woman or blind man who crosses the street painfully slow, but timed perfectly to avoid being hit. These are in fact, large squirrels in the guise of old women.
    6. Midway through a car chase, the driver may tire of the drudgery of street after endless street and decide to off-road it a bit. There are two globally-approved methods of signaling to the other driver that it’s time for some unpaved action:
      1. Veer off the freeway unexpectedly on the one section of road where the embankment is missing
      2. Using the top of a parking structure as a ramp and careening into space. Best to land neatly on solid ground without damaging the suspension or breaking a tie rod.
    7. Leaning back in your seat will prevent you from being hit by enemy gunfire, as will ducking for a split second. Car doors are impervious to rounds up to .50 caliber and hand-held grenades.
    8. Audis are the fastest cars known to man and have up to 37 forward gears. They can and should be used in the War Against Terror, as they can withstand more abuse than an M1A Abrams tank.
    9. Crime-lords sitting in the rear seat of a vehicle can—and will—be shot to death during a high-speed pursuit. Attractive women in the same seat will miraculously escape unscathed. Something to do with the weight of their breasts counterbalancing the fabric of their slender, strapless gowns and the ratio of how much sheen their hair has. I think. It’s all very scientific.
    10. But the most important thing of all: no matter how old or smashed up the vehicle, brakes never fail in a car chase.

    What have you learned from car chases in movies?

  • First rack

    first rack

    This is clearly the first set of breasts this geek has ever seen.

  • Bigfoot’s Diary

    2 Dec 2009
    10 AM: Spent the morning leaving deliberate tracks in the snow near that stupid hunter’s cabin. Made sure to leave a clump of rat hair on fence nearby. Took a long dump on his front porch, but decided to scoop it up and smoosh it in his mailbox instead. PUNK’D!

    Thought it might be funny to remind the park rangers of my existence, so I walked in front of the infra-red wildlife cameras. Here’s the trick to wildlife cameras. Listen for the click and release of the shutter. Count carefully, so when you walk in front of the lens, your body is out of frame—save an arm or leg. It’s also a good idea to rub some skunk urine on the lens so you look sorta blurry when the shutter releases. Ooh snap!

    3 PM: Swallowed a bug while running away from two drunken hunters. I had the last laugh, of course. One of them ran into a tree and passed out. I tied him up naked in front of the infra-red camera. The other one began wheezing and turned all purply. I bucked his knees out and he hit the dirt like a sweaty Christmas ham. Why do these guys all wear bright orange AND camouflage? Sending a mixed message or bad fashion sense? You be the judge. I had other plans for him. My daughter wants a pet and with Christmas around the corner… Well, let’s just say rednecks are generally a lot easier to housebreak than puppies.

  • Annual Thanksgiving Day List

    Longtime readers know that every year I write a list on Thanksgiving of what I am thankful for. This year is no exception. Please let everyone know what you are thankful for in the comments.

    I am thankful that…

    1. …Sarah Palin is back to being America’s prettiest moose hunter.
    2. …cats cannot manipulate Plutonium.
    3. …unlike killer bees, poutine has not managed to cross the border into the US.
    4. …Uggs are not mandatory school uniform wear. Nor are Crocs.
    5. …Paris Hilton has disappeared from the media spotlight.
    6. …icebergs cannot fly.
    7. …mullets are popular again. Just for the comedic value I require.
    8. …people still don’t “get” Twitter, cause I’ll have a job as long as they don’t.
    9. …my parents don’t text me in LOLCATSPEEK
    10. …we do not serve balut for Thanksgiving.

Swiggety-Swag

I make things. People buy them.

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