Recent Effluvia:

Actual rules of thumb from around the country (and a few of my own). YMMV.

1. The year that you begin getting chest hair is the same year the hair on your head will begin to recede faster than the growth rate. (Same rule applies to men.) — MARK RYAN, Dallas, TX
2. Never buy a car with greater horsepower than your IQ. — SCOTT PARKER, Beaumont, TX
3. The better the band, the worse the football team. — TOM LUCAS, Berkeley, CA
4. If you can’t find it on a website in under five minutes, Google it or go somewhere else. — DAVEZILLA
5. If you’re talking to an American whose legs are crossed and their foot is wiggling or shaking back and forth, they either disagree with you, or have something to add to the conversation. — UNKNOWN
6. The number of seconds you spend making eye contact with a homeless person is the number of minutes he will spend trying to convince you to give him a dollar. — DAVEZILLA
7. If one shoelace is loose, you’ll need to retie both. — JAMES McCONKEY, Trumansburg, NY
8. If you find Pauly Shore tolerable, there’s no hope for you. — DAVEZILLA
9. Grades decrease as the distance from the blackboard increases. — R.L. LIMING, Indianapolis, IN
10. If the catfish in your aquarium are swimming in loops from gravel to surface, it will rain in 12 hours. If they are floating motionless on the surface, it’s time for new fish. — DAVEZILLA
11. Watch how a first date treats the waiter, bartender, etc. That’s how she will treat you in three months. — JEFF BROWN, Bloomington, IN
12. If a radio station is playing Stairway to Heaven, the DJ is in the bathroom. — ARCHER, Q-105 FM, Portland, OR
13. Highly intelligent women seem more masculine than average. Highly intelligent men seem more feminine than average. — JEFFREY K. WOODHEAD, Davis, CA
14. If you don’t know what you want, it’s probably caffeine. — DAVEZILLA
15. The best Chinese restaurants do not offer take-out. — LING LING, Binghamton, NY
16. In a political race where none of the candidates are well-known, the name listed first has a major advantage (they are typically listed alphabetically). — PIERCE BUTLER, Natchez, MS
17. The heavier the capuccino is when lifted, the worse it will taste. — DAVEZILLA
18. The worse a country’s national dishes are, the less likely it will be invaded. — THOMAS W. NEUMANN
19. Fresh eggs sink. Rotten eggs float. — DAVID HECHLER, Rockport, TX
20. The less a person has to do, the more likely they will read all of these entries. — DAVEZILLA

1. “Ohio is this year’s Florida.” [Ohio has beaches and sharks? Cool, that’s only an hour’s drive for me.]
2. “They’re playing this game like they’re running for county sheriff.” [Actually, they’re playing it like they’re running for President]
3. “It’s a dead-heat. Just too close to call.” [What was your first clue?]
4. “Sure the popular vote is important, but let’s not forget that all-important electoral college.” [Yes, you reminded us before the last commercial break.]
5. “Who’s going to win? It’s anyone’s guess.” [My guess is the winner will win. I feel pretty confident with that prediction]
6. “Let’s not call this one just yet. We don’t want to fall into the trap we did four years ago.” [So shut up , already]
7. “We just don’t want to blow the whistle before the play is over.“ [This is an election, not a football game. Go back to local sports coverage.]
8. “Our exit polls show…” [Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! ]
9. “How do we think Nader will impact New Hampshire?” [How do we think bumblebees affect computer sales?]
10. “Kerry needs to hold this state closely.” [This is an election; not a poker game, idiot.]

Today we get to exercise our right as American citizens once again. That sacred right to choose between the best the country has to offer. Maybe that’s a sad commentary on our times that the best is barely adequate, no matter the choice. That won’t stop me. My choice is already made up.

I’ll have a triple venti capuccino.

Now that the Boston Red Sox have finally won the Word Series for the first time since 1918, the Curse of the Bambino has finally been broken. This leads us to an interesting point. Without the yearly ritual of disappointment for Red Sox fans, what will they do with their lives? They no longer have excuses to be the bitter, resentful pathetic sports fans that they are.

I propose we fill that void in their lives with new curses.

Curse of the BIg Dig:
The Big Dig will suffer labor disputes, stalling its completion. It will be resolved in 2018 by a union official named George Hermann (no relation).

Curse of the Chowda
All Boston Clam Chowder will curdle after the seventh minute on the stove.

Curse of the Tea Party
For the next 86 years, tea will never last longer than 7 minutes before losing its steam.

Any other curses we should cast upon them?

When you can hear sushi being eaten by someone 15 feet away, assume it will look as disgusting as it sounds and resist the temptation to gawk.
[More details on this later. It’s worth it.]