Recent Effluvia:

1. Seeing an ambulance is very unlucky and if you see one, it’s coming to take mommy and daddy away. Forever.
2. A bird flying in the house means you won’t have a birthday this year.
3. If you blow out all the candles on your birthday cake with the first puff you will get your wish. If you fail, all your presents will be sent to starving children in China who will eat them.
4. If your cheeks suddenly feel on fire, someone is telling your parents that you are failing in school.
5. It’s bad luck to pick up a coin if it’s tails side up. If you do, your kitten will get the mange.
6. A dog howling at night when someone in the house is sick is all your fault.
7. It is bad luck to cut your fingernails on Friday or Sunday, or any day Monday through Saturday.
8. If the palm of your right hand itches, it means Santa told Mommy that you don’t deserve presents this year.
9. Don’t knit a pair of socks for your boyfriend or he’ll attempt to knit something for you.
10. To break a mirror means 7 years that Santa will give your presents to your older brother.
11. If you forget to throw salt over your shoulder, you will be torn to pieces by Satan’s Clown Army.
12. The devil enters your body every time you sneeze. Having someone say, “God bless you,” does little good, but it does give the other person something to do.
13. It’s bad luck to open an umbrella inside the house, and if you put it over your head, you will be impotent.
14. Cover your mouth when you yawn, or God will tell everyone what you do in the bathroom.

1. …drinking glass cleaner will not turn you invisible
2. …smoking toothpaste may give you minty-fresh cancer cells
3. …shaving with expanding urethane foam will require a much longer razor

What have you heard from the Surgeon General?

I was nine and going to my grandmother’s for my birthday. I loved going to my grandmother’s house. It was creaky, dark and she had children’s books dating back to the 1920s. The only odd thing about her was her recipes were … unexpected, to say the least.

This particular birthday, I was dropped off to spend the weekend at my grandmother’s with my cousin, whose birthday was a few days before mine. She made a cake for both of us.

“Do you like chocolate cake, boys?” Silly question. Of course we did. She returned with a cake with strange green frosting. Something appeared to be moving on top of the frosting. My cousin and I looked at each other nervously.

“Grandma?”
“Yes, dear?”
“What is that brown stuff on the top of the cake?”
“Coca-Cola. I know how you kids love soda, so I poured some all over the cake.”
“Oh.”

“Grandma?”
“Yes, David?”
“May I be excused?”

Carpet Cleaner #1: “Dude, you ever been to Screaming Eagle Casino?”
Carpet Cleaner #2: “Do you mean, Soaring Eagle?”
CC #1: “Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah, that one. I been there last week and I wasn’t s’pposed to be cause I’m on probation still.”
CC #2: “What the Hell for?
CC #1: “Oh, my ole lady turn me in cause I shit in her sock.”
CC #2: “The Hell. Just for that?
CC #2: “Wait. This the same broad that made you a cake outta watermelon?”
CC #1: “No, this is another one. Jill, man. I’ll shit in her sock again tonight if she don’t shut up.”

Someone pointed me to the second in a series of products that I simply do not grasp. This one being Preggie and Queasy Pops.

I shit you not.

Preggie Pops are alleged to ease morning sickness. This is no doubt a great relief to many women who will wonder if they cause pregnancy. I wonder, do they come in sperm flavor? Is the center filled with Contraceptive Jelly?

It’s the Queasy Pops that have me a little off-put. Do they make one ill? Perhaps you ram one down the throat with great force to induce vomiting. Do they come in queasy flavors, such as Toothpaste-Orange Juice, delicious Salsa-Berry Yogurt, and my personal favorite: sumptuous Catnip Omelette.

What if other diseases and medical conditions had their own treats? Candida Candies, Bubonic Bon-bons, or Plague Pops anyone?

I know you can do better. Let’s hear ’em.

Never, under any circumstances, get catnip mixed into an omelette. Tastes like steel.