Amazon claims it will use flying robot drones to deliver packages to us in the near future. Sorry, USPS. You’ve been replaced. Perhaps this is smart thinking on Amazon’s part as they plan for a United States that may lose its short-sighted postal service.
On the other hand, duck hunters now can have twice the fun blasting the bloody hell out of someone’s 50 Shades of Grey novel.
When people say, “Oh, it’s just for the time being,” I freak out. We have Time Beings that demand offerings from us? When did this start? Next thing, you’ll be telling me the government is being run by Reptile People.
Every morning, my fish stare at me, blankly. I always wonder if they are hungry or don’t like what I’m wearing.
Something I thought I’d never have to say, “Honey, please let go of the dog’s penis.” #babymeme #dadproblems
At least one of the telemarketers, excuse me, consumer solutions experts that works for the Detroit News is a rude asshole.
SOME BACKGROUND
In June, a kid came by selling short-term (60-day) subscriptions that would help him through college. We decided to help him out and paid him by check so that the paper would end after two months. It didn’t. They kept sending it and we let it pile up.
I finally called them and had one of the rudest, most condescending conversations ever. She told me that subscriptions automatically renew without the need for me to approve them. I told her that I specifically paid by check because the college kid told me that the subscription can’t renew if they don’t have my payment information.
HER: “I can’t help it if you make decisions that you later regret.”
ME: “Helping a kid out? Sue me.”
HER: “I’ll cancel your delivery, but you owe us $18 for delivery.”
ME: “Good luck collecting it. I never authorized it.”
HER: “I think we’re done talking now. Goodbye.”
How come every time I use my car’s sun visor, the sun is directly between the visors?
This post originally appeared on Medium
Fellow Driver,
I know I took up two parking spaces leaving you circling the lot like a Perrigine Falcon whose prey has mysteriously escaped.
I know you’re probably cursing my name and wishing it was legal to ram my Hummer H2 with the “Take Back America—Tea Party 2012” bumper sticker, but you won’t. I’m counting on it.
Why? Because unlike myself, you possess manners—a social skill I am blissfully unaware of.
You see, I am what is referred to in the vernacular as a douchebag and that moniker comes with responsibility and a certain sense of entitlement.
It comes with a sense of knowing. Not in the educational sense—I cheated to become a Phoenix. What I mean is knowing your place in the Universe. And mine is parking a big-ass Hummer wherever I damn well please.
In my world, a Hummer equates to respect. It means I have power that compensates for my hopelessly commonplace 4.75″schlong. It makes up for my premature hair-loss and my inability to converse with other humans without needing something to prove. It means the when I attempt to demean coworkers who are taller than me, they know I mean business. It means people know me.
No one knows your name at the local Hooters, do they? I bet they don’t even know you at the Faggot, I mean, Target store where you get those baskets full of dried grapevines rolled into balls. Just what the Hell are those damn things for? You don’t play with them. It’s not like they’re art like the Nagel prints in my hallway. You must own a cat.
Not me. I have a GD Rottweiler. I’m not even sure if I can spell Rottweiler, but that’s the beauty of it. The German language is scary and gets respect. German dogs? Twice as scary. Twice the respect. I know. I see lesser mortals giving me a wide berth when I do donuts on the cul-de-sac of a quiet, rich suburb with my beast in tow.
What’s that? Why do I need to take up two spaces when my Hummer will clearly fit in one? You’re stupider than you look. Taking up one parking space means you won’t notice me. And I have to stand out. I’m 4″ shorter than most fourteen year-old girls and twice as awkward.
I work as an engineer designing windshield wipers. Sexy. We’re the bottom feeders as far as engineers go. Had I actually studied, I might have a career with actual respect, like a powertrain engineer or aerodynamics.
But no, it’s wipers and that means I have a lot of pent-up anger issues and a life of mediocrity.
And you have the gall to ask why I need two parking spaces.
Co-written by Chocolate Razor. This post originally appeared on Davezilla in 2008 but was ruined by spammers.
Ever since ICANN allowed companies to create new top-level domains (TLDs) such as .Pepsi or .duckface (at the staggering cost of US$185,000 + US$25,000 for annual upkeep), I thought it would be fun to come up with some suggestions for corporations to buy.
Which ones did I miss?
I got all excited because tomorrow night, Daylight Saving Time ends. Then my wife reminded me that our baby won’t likely adhere to that and we’ll still be up at the crack of dawn. Damn.
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