For the Time Being
When people say, "Oh, it's just for the time being," I freak out. We have Time Beings that demand offerings from us? When did this start? Next thing, you'll be telling me the government is being run by Reptile People.
My fish hate me
Every morning, my fish stare at me, blankly. I always wonder if they are hungry or don't like what I'm wearing.
Dog penis
Something I thought I'd never have to say, "Honey, please let go of the dog's penis." #babymeme #dadproblems
Detroit News? Time to train your telemarketers some manners
At least one of the telemarketers, excuse me, consumer solutions experts that works for the Detroit News is a rude asshole. SOME BACKGROUND In June, a kid came by selling short-term (60-day) subscriptions that would help him through college. We decided to help him out and paid him by check so that the paper would end after two months. It didn't. They kept sending it and we let it pile up. I finally called them and had one of the rudest, most condescending conversations ever. She told me that subscriptions automatically renew without the need for me to approve them.…
I will take up two parking spaces. Deal with it.
This post originally appeared on Medium Thoughts on parking etiquette from an utter douchebag. Fellow Driver, I know I took up two parking spaces leaving you circling the lot like a Perrigine Falcon whose prey has mysteriously escaped. I know you’re probably cursing my name and wishing it was legal to ram my Hummer H2 with the “Take Back America—Tea Party 2012” bumper sticker, but you won’t. I’m counting on it. Why? Because unlike myself, you possess manners—a social skill I am blissfully unaware of. You see, I am what is referred to in the vernacular as a douchebag and…
What Ad Writers Say to Each Other in Bed
Taste the rainbow! Just do it! Zoom Zoom! Think different. Finger-lickin' good! Are you a Cadbury's Fruit & Nut case? Clap on, clap off Wii would like to play Now you're playing with power! Rip, slip, brush..Ahhh! Reach out and touch someone. We try harder. The quick picker upper. A little dab'll do ya. Have it your way. Get N or get out Do you have the bunny inside? Let's make things better Live in Your world, play in ours Neighbor's envy, owner's pride Co-written by Chocolate Razor. This post originally appeared on Davezilla in 2008 but was ruined by…
Pets vs. Babies
Cats prefer baby toys to their own Babies prefer cat toys to their own Pugs will graciously eat dirty diapers, lightening the garbage load, but making for an interesting back yard cleanup.
Best New Top Level Domain Names
Ever since ICANN allowed companies to create new top-level domains (TLDs) such as .Pepsi or .duckface (at the staggering cost of US$185,000 + US$25,000 for annual upkeep), I thought it would be fun to come up with some suggestions for corporations to buy. www.www.www notguilty.oj dot.dot polka.bikini tobeornotto.be ithinkthereforei.am erhmagerda.meme bigthreeautos.suck america.fat Kanye.ego MileyCyrus.trainwreck ancient-history.madonna Which ones did I miss?
Can’t win.
I got all excited because tomorrow night, Daylight Saving Time ends. Then my wife reminded me that our baby won't likely adhere to that and we'll still be up at the crack of dawn. Damn.
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