Observations

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed a change in the patter of waitstaff. I only pay attention to these things because I was once a waiter, myself. Time was, a server would come by, a minute or so into the meal and ask, “How is everything?” A concise sentence. Nowadays, servers come when you have one bite left in your meal. “Is everything tasting OK?” they blurt out, without making eye contact. I have several problems with this: It’s just a lame thing to say. Would your mother ask you that? It assumes that your only possible issue could…

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Maven's recent post about the homeless man jerking off in public reminded me of a similar experience I had. No, I wasn't a homeless, black man. Way back in the day, when Detroit had an awesome indie scene, I went to see Echo and the Bunnymen at St. Andrews Hall. Typical of most old concert halls, there are not enough restrooms for the number of patrons, so the line for the women's room extended far into the front lobby. At some point, the bouncers must not have been looking, because a very large man—clearly mentally challenged—wandered in. He stumbled about…

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As the jogger passes you on the sidewalk, tear a strip of cloth quickly and see if they stop to check their pants for rips. Hide in the bushes of a quiet street with an airhorn. Hold up a score card as they pass you with a very low number. Act disappointed. Run out in front of the jogger, wildly flailing your arms and scream, “My God! The bees!” Hold up a wanted poster. Look back and forth between the poster and the jogger. Scream, “That’s him! He’s getting away!” Have one person squirt them head to toe with diluted…

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Those puckish Weasley twins cast Fentwigg’s Ever-Growing Erection Spell on Harry, getting him expelled. Malfoy decides he can make a fortune selling magical strains of marijuana to the muggles. He runs a cartel of Dementors and lives in a mansion in Bogota, Columbia. Hagrid is caught in a compromising position with a hippogriff and subsequently fired. Their monstrous offspring return to tear the school apart, leaving only a few shaken house elves alive. Seamus decides to spill the beans about Hoggwarts to the muggle press. He sells Nearly Headless Nick to Disney for US $14 million. Nick quickly becomes the…