Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • People Who Need to Go Far, Far Away

    1. People who hit their brakes inexplicably when nothing is in front of them and they aren’t speeding.
    2. People who use douchebag words like ‘braggadocious’ and ‘YOLO’ in everyday speech.
    3. The inventors of Powerpoint, Jeggings, Crocs and UGGs.
    4. The creators of ‘Call of the Wildman’, ‘Hillbilly Handfishing’ and other white trash train wrecks.
    5. Professionals who say, “Let’s really think out of the box on this one, guys.” As if their coworkers were intentionally coming up with tired ideas because no one reminded them to be innovative.
    6. Honey Boo Boo, although I rather feel bad for this kid. She’ll grow up realizing that she was the laughing stock of the entire world and no one really liked her at all.
    7. People who never wash their hands after using the loo.
    What. The. Fuck. Is. That? Kill it. Kill it with fire!
    What. The. Fuck. Is. That? Kill it. Kill it with fire!

  • Say Anything: 2012 Edition

    in your eyes

  • Musica ecuatoriana

    I can’t figure out if these girls have awesome glasses or super heroine masks on. Either way, the choreography is … interesting.

  • Dream soundtracks, take one

    Do you ever have soundtracks in your dreams? I have one every damn night. The worst part of is, it tends not to be music I like, but in my dreams, it loops continuously throughout the night. Scientists say our brains are just working out things we encountered that day. I don’t buy it. Some of the music that pops up in my dreams I haven’t heard in years. I made an effort to write down every dream soundtrack of 2011.

    • January 1: The Green Manalishi. Not the brilliant Judas Priest cover version. The intolerable Fleetwood Mac version.
    • January 2: Forgotten upon waking.
    • January 3: Let’s Give them Something to Talk About. Kill me now.
    • January 4: Pokemon theme
    • January 5: 25, or 6 to 4. *shudders*
    • January 6: Mad World. Donny Darko version which I don’t like nearly as much as the Tears for Fears original.
    • January 7: Crazy Train.
    • January 8: Crazy Train. Again. Dammit.
    • January 9: Margaritaville. Oh god, no.
    • January 10: Mr. Blue Sky by ELO. This song is so lame, it’s embarrassing to listen to. Having it in your head all night? Unacceptable.
    • January 11: Renegade by Styx. Inconceivable!
    • January 12: Africa by the forgettable 80s band, Toto. I only wish I could have forgotten this song upon waking.
    • January 13: Achy-Breaky Heart. Do I seem like the sort of individual who enjoys country? Hint: NO. I Googled this turd of a song to double check the spelling, only to find achey is misspelled. How very kountry.
    • January 14: Karma Chameleon. Everyone hated this song in the ’80s. Unlike a Chateau Latour, this song hasn’t aged well.
    • January 15: We love our Commodore. OK, this one at least happened on Saturday. I went to the Commodore’s Ball with my wife. Did not expect to hear this damn song all night.

  • We can do all thongs through Christ

    Longtime reader Bobby Peru, (and by longtime, I mean 14 years) pointed me to a fun tool for searching Facebook status messages, called OpenBook. While this is amusing enough, Peru went one further. He said that lots of folks make typos in their statuses (we’ve noticed!) and that by searching for the wrong word on OpenBook, you’ll get some hilarious results.

    Below are the search results for people who meant to type “things” and instead typed “thongs”. (For my Aussie readers, thongs should be taken to mean g-strings or tangas, but not sandals). Hilarity ensues. Click each icon for the full image.

  • Why God, why?

    I just read that UGGs is making thongs. I sincerely hope by that, they mean the Australian word for sandals and not oversized, sheepskin g-strings.
    By the way,

  • If Corporations Formed Bands

    1. Supplies Are Limited
    2. The Low Hanging Fruit
    3. First Mover Advantages
    4. Out of Pocket and the Expenses
    5. Touch Bases
    6. Win Win and the Situations
    7. The Pro-Actives
    8. The Mission Criticals
    9. Thinking Outside and the Boxes
    10. The Core Competencies
    11. More Bang and the Bucks
    12. The Bean Counters
    13. The Wow Factors
    14. Turn Key and the Solutions
    15. The Halo Effects
    16. The Stress Puppies
    17. Seagull Management
    18. Dog and the Pony Show
    19. The 11th Hour
    20. 86’d
    21. The Old Boys’ Club
    22. The Scope Creeps
    23. The Human Capitals
    24. Ego Surfers
    25. The Mighty Blame Stormers

    What bands did you think of? BTW, this post was written at 30,000 feet, flying to Washington, D.C. while sitting next to a businessman who used about 20 of these phrases while describing himself.

  • How to be a real man. Ahem.

  • 19 Things You Never Want to Hear Senior Citizens Say

    1. “You go girl!”
    2. “Are you a natural blonde?”
    3. “I’m not wearing underwear.”
    4. “That’s the last time I have unprotected sex with a grizzly bear.”
    5. “Two grannies. One cup. Just imagine.”
    6. “Nearer to the grave is what you’ll crave.”
    7. “Like the grey? The carpets match the drapes, you know.”
    8. “Let’s pump this jam!”
    9. “I’ll even take my teeth out.”
    10. “Ever done it bent over a walker?”
    11. “Perry Como Madourravit”
    12. “Up for some Hanna Montana cosplay?”
    13. “Ya wanna see a real lady gaga, sonny?”
    14. “Loose dentures. The baseball mitt is for the sneezing.”
    15. “Chillax!”
    16. “So for you, how many cats is too many cats?”
    17. “Pitchin’ the viagra tent tonight.”
    18. She’s a 75 year old but with the body of a 64 year old.
    19. (Lung will go to hell for this one) “Ever had a Parkinson’s handjob?”

    Co-written by Lung the Younger

  • Iron Crocodile

    Now I know what to dress my croc up as for Halloween. And I was sure I would have to go the pirate route again.

  • Cat Carrier

    Cat Carrier

  • Maggie Gallagher Meets St. Peter

    Via misterarthur