Davezilla.com

Category: Observations

  • Dress Codes Are Different Across North America

    Dress codes are different in Canada

  • Pugs are made from gel

    Pugs are made from gel and will adapt to any surrounding container.

  • DIY Hints You Should Probably Ignore

    LASER pointer in the eye

    • Need to liven up the office Xmas party? Photoshop your coworkers’ heads into pictures from questionable websites and you’ve got a slideshow everyone will be talking about!
    • Use Strontium-90 to soothe a colicky baby.
    • Old Ethernet cables make great leashes for the elderly!
    • Use “Swiffer” sheets to quickly erase your sibling’s homework.
    • Worried about what your kids are texting? Change all the phone numbers of their besties in their phone’s contact list to the local police’s number. Hilarity ensues.
    • Rub butter on a sunburned, old man to roast him faster.
    • Use a roll of tin foil to silence a nosy neighbor.
    • Never a cop when you need one? Aim a laser pointer in his eye to quickly get his attention.
    • Can’t afford the high cost of a sitter or au pair? Duct tape and a heavy chair will work wonders.
    • Need to clear an aisle in a store quickly? Spray WD-40 (or spray cooking oil) on the floor and count to three.

  • Grammar: You’re doing it wrong

    Crusin with Brown Suga

    Really not sure what disturbs me more: The phrase, the lack of apostrophes or the letter spacing.

  • Not sure about Ralph Lauren’s New Naming

    Ralph Lauren Poo


  • What’s Your Deepest Fear?

    Out with it. What’s your deepest, darkest fear? Turns out, I have quite a few. Here’s my top ten:

    1. Honey boo boo's Mama JuneGiven a life sentence in a prison populated by mimes and clowns.
    2. Rosie O’Donnell runs for president in 2016. She takes Sarah Palin as VP in a surprise move. They call it the She Party, win by a slim margin and force every man in America to become cross-dressing house slaves.
    3. A global crop disease leaves the earth with only figs to eat.
    4. Cats evolve opposable thumbs and take over the Illuminati.
    5. Gauchos, Crocs, Jeggings, prison pants and skorts become mandatory school uniforms for children.
    6. The Furby Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 2013. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Furby begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
    7. Honey BooBoo’s Mama June is made president of Time-Warner Cable. Changes all televised entertainment to be “in her language.”
    8. One of my sisters marries into the Romney family.

    So what are your deepest fears?

  • What I Learned About Italians from 10 Days in Naples

      Budding Banksy? Nah. Cool, though.

    1. Their local motto is, “If you can drive in Napoli, you can drive in Hell.”
    2. At the outdoor cafés, pigeons are smarter than waiters.
    3. The pizza really is 10 times better.
    4. Pulcinella is either good luck, bad luck, an evil clown or a sex god, depending on whom you ask.
    5. Napoli is full of budding Banksys.
    6. Stone-washed jeans are still alive and well in Southern Italy.
    7. Children not only openly use professional grade fireworks in the streets, they are encouraged to do so by adults.
    8. Texting while driving gives you the right of way.

  • Uhhh…

    USAWALTZ from Asami Ike on Vimeo.

  • It’s Friday

    It's Friday, only 2 more working days until Monday!
    Feel free to share this with others.

  • Slowest drivers on the road

    IMO, slowest drivers on the road own:

    1. PT Cruiser
    2. Chrysler Pacifica
    3. Ford Flex

    Discuss.

  • My Embarassing Dream Soundtracks

    As I’ve written about before, I remember most of my dreams, which isn’t so bad, but they always have a soundtrack. A bad one. Usually a short section of a song or jingle that repeats throughout the dream like a broken record. Ninety percent of the time, it’s a musical genre I would not listen to, willingly.

    Worse, I wake up with the song replaying in my head. This morning, it was Olivia Newton John’s Xanadu. Here’s some of the more revolting ones from this month.

    • The theme music from HGTV’s Love It or List It
    • Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie
    • Guns and Roses’ Welcome to the Jungle (While not a fan, this is the least miserable)
    • He-Man Masters of the Universe soundtrack (fortunately, the Juno Reactor version, which is actually cool)
    • Almost every Free Credit Report dot com jingle
    • Alanis Morrisette’s Ironic, blecch.
    • Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith. Just couldn’t be a cool Aerosmith song like Sweet Emotion or Back in the Saddle. I hate ‘Elevator’.

    Does this happen to you? Please tell me I’m not the only one experiencing this.

  • More Terrifying Dance Moves from the ’70s

    I should make this a regular Friday feature. I’ve found dozens of these.