Hospital Fun

30 October, 2013Posted inBad Ideas1 Comment
Ask your nurse for some apple juice. Pour it into a urine specimen jar. Nonchalantly walk down the aisles, sipping it. After an operation on [some body part], wake up from the anesthesia and ask, "So how is my [unrelated body part]?" Schedule gurney races down the hallways of ER. Try to beat EMTs with critical patients. Bonus points for having racing stripes, flames or real exhaust. Ask the nurse for a cocktail umbrella and fruit for your urine sample. You know, to make it look Klassy. When you wake up from anesthesia, pretend to speak a different language. Look…

Movie Reviews in Haiku

25 January, 2008Posted inBad Ideas23 Comments
Reviews in Haiku 300 Best. Movie. Evar. Goddamned kids keep yelling out, "Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!" Beowulf Did they really have Hot chicks like Angelina In ancient Denmark? Spiderman 3 Wow, three criminals That’s three times the excitement And one third the plot. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End Captain Jack is gone Thankfully Keira has not Gotten breast implants. Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny Jack and Kyle rock out But Ben Stiller's cameo Just sucks donkey balls.

Lamest Super-powers to have, Part II

26 December, 2007Posted inBad Ideas45 Comments
I would like super powers. Nothing too fancy, mind you. Just minor abilities to get me through the week. The ability to see through chocolates to the fillings before taking a bite The ability to sense road construction in time to catch an alternate route The ability to psychically detect which cashier is the fastest and least likely to call for a price check The ability to see through scratch-off tickets before purchasing them The ability to remove rusted, old screws without stripping the threading A magic bag that always contains the right size batteries for any appliance The ability…

I rarely have snappy comebacks

22 December, 2007Posted inBad Ideas36 Comments
…but today I nailed one without skipping a beat. [SCENE: Starbucks] Woman: "Ahem. Is that an Apple product?" Me: "Yes, it's a G4 Laptop" Woman: "Well, you must be a devil worshipper, because only Democrats and satanists use Apple products." Me: "Why, I am a devil worshipper. Did the Mac give it away?"

Watch where you shake that thing!

08 June, 2005Posted inBad Ideas, Observations17 Comments
This is a post for the gentlemen. Brothers, it's time for a lesson in etiquette. As longtime author of Manly Tips for Bachelor Living and creator of the best-selling calendar of the same name, I feel I have at least a modicum of authority. Please, please, for the love of God. If you're at the urinal, put the damn cellphone down and use at least one hand to keep things under control. Some of us prefer to attend meetings without a urine shower, and I'm quite certain your listener could wait another 60 seconds.

Ten Best Reasons to Get a Cold

05 May, 2005Posted inBad Ideas, Observations18 Comments
Colds are disgusting. Your eyes look and feel sand-blasted, your nose has lost five layers of epidermis and you are left with the lung capacity of an asthmatic sparrow, but look on the bright side: Your boss will encourage you to go home early. You can keep ill-tempered coworkers at bay with a mere sneeze. No one's going to sneak in your cubicle and use your phone. If you come in looking disheveled, women will take pity on you, rather than scoff at you. Other employees will do the heavy lifting for you. You get to catch up on all…