Davezilla.com

Category: Bad Ideas

  • Hospital Fun

    Naughty Nurse

    1. Ask your nurse for some apple juice. Pour it into a urine specimen jar. Nonchalantly walk down the aisles, sipping it.
    2. After an operation on [some body part], wake up from the anesthesia and ask, “So how is my [unrelated body part]?”
    3. Schedule gurney races down the hallways of ER. Try to beat EMTs with critical patients. Bonus points for having racing stripes, flames or real exhaust.
    4. Ask the nurse for a cocktail umbrella and fruit for your urine sample. You know, to make it look Klassy.
    5. When you wake up from anesthesia, pretend to speak a different language. Look at everyone as evil foreigners.
    6. Scream down the hallways that “They’ve taken my liver! I went to a party and woke up here, with no liver.”
    7. If the nurse gives you a choice for lunch, ask if they have Soylent Green.

  • Movie Reviews in Haiku

    Reviews in Haiku

    300
    Best. Movie. Evar.
    Goddamned kids keep yelling out,
    “Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!”

    Beowulf
    Did they really have
    Hot chicks like Angelina
    In ancient Denmark?

    Spiderman 3
    Wow, three criminals
    That’s three times the excitement
    And one third the plot.

    Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
    Captain Jack is gone
    Thankfully Keira has not
    Gotten breast implants.

    Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny
    Jack and Kyle rock out
    But Ben Stiller’s cameo
    Just sucks donkey balls.

  • Lamest Super-powers to have, Part II

    I would like super powers. Nothing too fancy, mind you. Just minor abilities to get me through the week.

    1. The ability to see through chocolates to the fillings before taking a bite
    2. The ability to sense road construction in time to catch an alternate route
    3. The ability to psychically detect which cashier is the fastest and least likely to call for a price check
    4. The ability to see through scratch-off tickets before purchasing them
    5. The ability to remove rusted, old screws without stripping the threading
    6. A magic bag that always contains the right size batteries for any appliance
    7. The ability to send all the snow that was destined for my driveway to my neighbor’s
    8. The ability to make coworkers I dislike late to all their meetings during performance review week
    9. The ability to accurately predict when public transportation will actually show up
    10. What abilities would you like this year?

    See Part I here

  • I rarely have snappy comebacks

    …but today I nailed one without skipping a beat.

    [SCENE: Starbucks]
    Woman: “Ahem. Is that an Apple product?”
    Me: “Yes, it’s a G4 Laptop”
    Woman: “Well, you must be a devil worshipper, because only Democrats and satanists use Apple products.”
    Me: “Why, I am a devil worshipper. Did the Mac give it away?”<

  • Watch where you shake that thing!

    This is a post for the gentlemen. Brothers, it’s time for a lesson in etiquette. As longtime author of Manly Tips for Bachelor Living and creator of the best-selling calendar of the same name, I feel I have at least a modicum of authority.

    Please, please, for the love of God. If you’re at the urinal, put the damn cellphone down and use at least one hand to keep things under control. Some of us prefer to attend meetings without a urine shower, and I’m quite certain your listener could wait another 60 seconds.

  • Ten Best Reasons to Get a Cold

    Colds are disgusting. Your eyes look and feel sand-blasted, your nose has lost five layers of epidermis and you are left with the lung capacity of an asthmatic sparrow, but look on the bright side:

    1. Your boss will encourage you to go home early.
    2. You can keep ill-tempered coworkers at bay with a mere sneeze.
    3. No one’s going to sneak in your cubicle and use your phone.
    4. If you come in looking disheveled, women will take pity on you, rather than scoff at you.
    5. Other employees will do the heavy lifting for you.
    6. You get to catch up on all the daytime crap on TV that you’ve been missing.
    7. A cold won’t keep you from hitting the coffeehouse.
    8. You can blame any miscommunications on your plugged sinuses.
    9. You get to pepper your conversation with important-sounding words like antibiotics and gastroesophageal reflux.
    10. If something goes wrong, you’re really too drugged up to care.