Category: Bad Ideas

  • Hospital Fun

    Ask your nurse for some apple juice. Pour it into a urine specimen jar. Nonchalantly walk down the aisles, sipping it. After an operation on [some body part], wake up from the anesthesia and ask, “So how is my [unrelated body part]?” Schedule gurney races down the hallways of ER. Try to beat EMTs with…

    Written by

    Davezilla

  • Movie Reviews in Haiku

    Reviews in Haiku 300 Best. Movie. Evar. Goddamned kids keep yelling out, “Dude! This… is… SPARTAAAAAA!” Beowulf Did they really have Hot chicks like Angelina In ancient Denmark? Spiderman 3 Wow, three criminals That’s three times the excitement And one third the plot. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End Captain Jack is gone Thankfully…

    Written by

    Davezilla

  • Lamest Super-powers to have, Part II

    I would like super powers. Nothing too fancy, mind you. Just minor abilities to get me through the week. The ability to see through chocolates to the fillings before taking a bite The ability to sense road construction in time to catch an alternate route The ability to psychically detect which cashier is the fastest…

    Written by

    Davezilla

  • I rarely have snappy comebacks

    …but today I nailed one without skipping a beat. [SCENE: Starbucks] Woman: “Ahem. Is that an Apple product?” Me: “Yes, it’s a G4 Laptop” Woman: “Well, you must be a devil worshipper, because only Democrats and satanists use Apple products.” Me: “Why, I am a devil worshipper. Did the Mac give it away?”

    Written by

    Davezilla

  • Watch where you shake that thing!

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    This is a post for the gentlemen. Brothers, it’s time for a lesson in etiquette. As longtime author of Manly Tips for Bachelor Living and creator of the best-selling calendar of the same name, I feel I have at least a modicum of authority. Please, please, for the love of God. If you’re at the…

    Written by

    Davezilla

  • Ten Best Reasons to Get a Cold

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    Colds are disgusting. Your eyes look and feel sand-blasted, your nose has lost five layers of epidermis and you are left with the lung capacity of an asthmatic sparrow, but look on the bright side: Your boss will encourage you to go home early. You can keep ill-tempered coworkers at bay with a mere sneeze.…

    Written by

    Davezilla