1. Apple sauce
  2. A human head
  3. Last year’s fruitcake
  4. Scoliosis
  5. TEH crab
  6. A porcupine
  7. Rumfeld’s still beating heart
  8. Global Warming
  9. Jacko’s prosthetic nose tip
  10. What don’t you want to find in your stocking?
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74 thoughts on “Worst things to find in your Xmas stocking

  1. 6. A copy of “If I Did It”

    Note to Nikki: I believe “birdy” is a cattle egret during breeding season.

  2. My don’t list:
    Something someone had since the 1970’s
    Your own gift from last year.
    8 track tapes (cool … mannn)
    Things only bought at garage sales in order to be cheap.
    Porcelain Elvis bust with matching candelabras.
    Home made art made with bottle caps. 😕

  3. i think bigwavdave said it. i do not want a horny manatee in my stocking.
    p.s. dave who are you trying to kid? rumsfeld doesn’t have a heart.

  4. An unnamed person once told me that Fruitcake if buried properly would be edible for years.
    It is an old way of making a preserve.
    (and the person was being honest)

    To which I replied “Thanks but I will pass on the fruit cake.”

  5. (deep breath) OK here goes:

    – Your draft papers to Iraq.
    – The glove that OJ really used.
    – The results of your recent ex-girlfriend’s pregnancy test.
    – Leftover used Kleenex from when you were 14-years old.
    – Yet another friggin’ portal to Narnia.
    – Thousands of dollars worth of Enron shares that you misplaced in 1999.

  6. Nude pictures of your Uncle Bob
    Your period
    The Hamster you got last year
    Fuzzy hahdcuffs from Granny
    All of your credit card bills
    Gift certificate from Bruce’s Gay Video Palace
    Coupon for a free fill up and lube, but it is on the back of Uncle Bob’s picture
    Used kitty litter
    Home waxing kit with special do it yourself Brazillian video
    Pictures of all of the women who won’t sleep with you

  7. Nude photos of your Uncle Bob
    Used Kitty litter
    Your period
    Coupon for a free fill up and lube (on the back of Uncle Bob’s picture
    Home waxing kit with special do it yourself Brazillian video
    Gift certificate to Bruce’s Gay Video store
    Fuzzy handcuffs from Granny
    The hampster you got last year
    Pictures of all of the women who won’t sleep with you

  8. [Comment ID #81827 will be quoted here]

    A wise man once said the ratio of the overdose of exclamation marks is directly proportionate to the general scarcity of a person’s intelligence quotient.

    Did you get that, or was that wisdom “wasted” on you? 😀

  9. [Comment ID #81855 will be quoted here]

    Well put Minnie.

    I like the new avatar – a bit mysterious. One wonders what was on your mind.

  10. Well, I get all sorts o’ cool stuff in mine, cause I just a “Stocking of Holding” in World of Warcraft, and yeah, WASTEDFORLIFE said it, you guys are stupid! And now I’m going to my Mom’s basement to play more World of Warcraft and you can’t come!!!

  11. [Comment ID #81827 will be quoted here]
    Besides the name being obvious, I will not have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

  12. 1} Fish heads
    2} Sleep crust from anyones eyes
    3} Naked pictures of myself I was unaware were ever taken

    Personal note , I like fruit cake .

  13. Coal
    a baby
    a pubic hair
    a half-empty can of mountain dew
    the phone bill
    a video of santa givin it to mrs clause in the ass
    and heaven forbid you actually get something good.

  14. A dirty diaper. No wait, a dirty diaper with a baby in it.
    No, No a dirty diaper with a baby that has scoliosis in it .
    OK, how about a dirty diaper with a baby that has scoliosis and is
    eating rumfeld’s still beating heart. Whoa, a bit to far.
    The absolute worst… wastedforlife’s shriveled genitalia.

  15. 1. Fruitcake with nuts
    2. Chuck Norris’ beard
    3. Sinatra and KC and the Sunshine Band, The Duets
    4. Gerbil Worming
    5. Humor, The Complete History by slimweistedforlife

    All I got.

  16. 1. the best of John Tesh CD
    2. A copy of GiGi
    3. Kevin Federline’s Music Career
    4. A Bucket of Spam
    5. Ron Jermey’s Body Hair

  17. [Comment ID #81858 will be quoted here]

    Thanks, Bigwavdave. The mysterious look/expression was intentional. It’s what my photographer wanted to see. 🙂

  18. [Comment ID #81897 will be quoted here]

    Thank goodness #’s 1 and 3 will be tiny…that leaves plenty of room for Ron’s body hair! :puke:

  19. What the hell is it with the DEAD COCKROACH? and the dead :limp:?
    🙄 :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf: :wtf:

  20. [Comment ID #81909 will be quoted here]

    The comments always update, but if they see spammy words like cock, the system will hold the comment till I get off my ass and approve it. Same for posting links. Sorry, but them’s the rules… :dead:

  21. [Comment ID #81965 will be quoted here]

    99 flacid short cocks on the wall….
    99 cocks on the wall
    take one down,

  22. ooooh! I know! half of Dave’s still-dripping severed ………………………………………..:geek:Head!
    what did YOU think I was gonna say? :twisted:(no offence Dave!) 😛

  23. Deliqueena あなたのストッキングにそれを入れることができない。 😛 😆

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