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My easily attainable 2014 New Years Resolutions

03 January, 2014Posted inBad Ideas1 Comment
I make resolutions with the bar set really low, so I can attain them. I resolve never to purchase a Perfect Polly™ this year. Or any year. I resolve not to eat my fellow travelers if we're stranded in the Arctic. Expanding on that last one, I resolve not to go anywhere I could possibly fall into a canyon (alone) and be forced to saw off my own hand. I resolve not to defect to a Communist nation. I resolve not to use my spit to hold my daughter's hair in place. I resolve not to punch a Great White…

2009 New Years Resolutions

31 December, 2008Posted inObservations23 Comments
As has been the custom on this site since 1994, I am posting my New Years Resolutions. I try to make mine easily attainable so I don't get down on myself midway through the year. I resolve not to accept a Sloppy Joe from a Maori Cannibal I resolve not to incite our distant cousins—the Langurs—into an all-out revolt against their human overlords I resolve not to invent a beer called Stupid Douchebags Enjoying Time Off With Their Relatives I resolve not to watch any shows starring Howie Mandel, Rachel Ray or Abe Vigoda I resolve not to dress and…

2008 New Years Resolutions

01 January, 2008Posted inObservations34 Comments
Longtime readers know that the every year I post my resolutions and ask for yours. I like to make mine easily achievable. You know, aim low and finish the year having achieved all of them. I resolve not to smear jelly on the face of my enemies. I resolve not to run naked through the office when I don’t get my way. Anymore. I resolve not to commit acts of genocide. Unless an island of spammers is found, in which case it’s open season! I resolve not to run out of coffee. I resolve not to be caught whistling Dixie.…

2007 New Years Resolutions

01 January, 2007Posted inObservations46 Comments
Longtime readers of this site will know that I always post my resolutions and that I try to only make resolutions I know I can keep. Such as not reverting to cannibalism. I'd love to hear yours. I resolve to freely give the finger to clowns, mimes and Hummer drivers I resolve to openly point out those who still wear miniskirts with Uggs or prison pants I resolve that I will never hunt down and/or kill a coworker I resolve to never appear on an episode of COPS I resolve to have ten fingers all year I resolve to have…

2006 New Years Resolutions

31 December, 2005Posted inObservations32 Comments
Every year since this site began in 1995, I have posted my resolutions. To date, I am still not King of the World, Master of Time, Space and Depravity, but I am still trying. Continue on my yearly mission to find a cure for clowns and mimes Catering to my 15 year-old cat's ever changing whims Discover a cure for skorts and gauchos Lobby for a Federal Bill to make wearing of mullets at the workplace a punishable crime Progressive cities like Toronto have declared it completely legal for women to go topless in public. Should a forward-thinking nation like…

2005 New Year’s Resolutions

31 December, 2004Posted inObservations27 Comments
I promise not to roll my cats in powdered cheese. I will not randomly dial extensions at work and tell coworkers they've been let go. I resolve not to post any pictures of myself in a thong. I promise not to mistake cat laxatives for toothpaste at my GF's house. I will not invite Shannen Doherty and Danny Bonaduce over for weekenders anymore. I resolve to cover your voles in glitter! I promise to finish building my Tiki palace (You think I'm kidding). I promise not to mistake Starr Jones for a passing Goodyear Blimp. I promise to visit at…