What I Learned from Movies XIV: Military Movies

22 June, 2012Posted inOriginal Humor1 Comment
Holding up a fist will instantly stop an entire army dead in their tracks. Any time bullets are shot at you in slow motion, you can avoid them (in slow motion) by leaning way back until your spine is almost broken. Hover in this position for several seconds until the bullet-time effect has ended. Make a 'V' with your index and middle finger. Now point them at your eyes, then your fellow soldiers' eyes. This alerts them to use vision instead of their sense of smell to navigate streets and tunnels. The enemy can't smell lit cigars due to their…

Things I Learned from Movies, Part III

16 September, 2008Posted inObservations, Original Humor52 Comments
Bullets from heroes kill with one shot and in less than a second. Bullets from criminals maim, but if they do kill, it takes longer. Virginity protects you from serial killers. It only takes two people to turn a two ton fallen tree into a massive booby trap that operates by pulling a tiny wooden shim. Heroes' handguns fire 70 shots and never miss. Criminals' handguns fire six shots of questionable accuracy. They also ricochet more often than heroes. Heroes simply bleed less than criminals, who tend to bleed in arterial spray patterns resembling a Jackson Pollock painting. The first…