Guide to Artists’ Models

The Dribbler Despite his brutish, troll-like appearance, the Dribbler is an excellent model, able to hold unchallenging poses for an hour without tiring. Yes, he has more body odor and hair than a Musk Ox. Yes, he has 5:00 shadow by 9:15 am. These are all excusable and minor in comparison to the trait that gave him his nickname.You see, unlike the Closet Perv, who gets off on being naked in front of young women, the Dribbler takes his work seriously and with great dedication. If only his body had the same attention span that his brain had. His second…

The Former Fashion Model At first glance, the first year art student may assume the professor had brought a cadaver for the class to draw. Then the cadaver coughs, a miserable, cancerous cough that produces more than a few moths and dust. It is not a cadaver, but a former fashion model, driven to nude modeling in a last ditch attempt to get men to appreciate her faded glory. Back in the 1970s, when boob jobs were still in their infancy, she rushed at the chance to get the operaion in hopes that it would increase business. Large breasts were…

The Closet PervertPossibly the ugliest known human (certainly the ugliest person I've ever drawn) is the Closet Pervert. At only thirty-three, he looks closer to ninety-seven, owing to chronic masturbation which has sucked away his life force. With his greying locks, he resembles one of the Founding Fathers, but as no woman in her right mind would sleep with this panty-sniffing letch, he hasn't fathered a thing. During art class, the Pervert's eyes never stand still. They are constantly looking under easels to see what color underwear the women are wearing. A bead of sweat forms on his brow if…

The Hippie ChickMaking a dramatic resurgence in popularity in recent years, the Earth Mother's younger, inebriated equivalent, the Hippie Chick is a sight to behold. Or flee from. Look for silky hair, wavy, golden-red and reaching almost to the floor—and that's just her armpit hair. Her skin is either sun-freckled or drug-acned, and I don't wish to get close enough to determine which. Many a man has seen her cutting flowers at outdoor concerts, naked as a jaybird, but—from the amount of leg hair—mistook her for a Satyr. She has one of those odd builds: child-bearing hips, but almost no…