Recent Effluvia:

Caption Time #295

13 October, 2009
My sex education class was a little different

07 October, 2009
Caitlynn is now single

Awkward!

01 October, 2009
Is it deer season already?

Image via Mandy L.

27 September, 2009
Caption Time #294

Apparently it’s gross out day on Davezilla. The photo, link and video are all going to make you queasy.

23 September, 2009
How to read a real estate ad
1. Baroque = Broken
2. Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn
3. Charming = Corners don’t line up. Sagging porch.
4. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow.
5. Cozy = Cramped
6. Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children.
7. Urban Setting = Ghetto
8. Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere
9. Historic = Has ghosts
10. Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts
11. Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community
12. Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground.
13. Private Drive = All your neighbors were eaten by redneck cannibals
14. Quaint = Outdated
15. Quiet neighbors = Cult compound
16. Scenic View = Adjacent Cemetery
17. Spacious = No windows
18. Starter Home = Cardboard box
19. Tree-lined = Welcome to the jungle
20. Unique Layout = Architect was unlicensed and possibly schizophrenic
21. Waterfront Property = Septic tank backs up in spring
18 September, 2009
More People We Dislike #24
1. Brake tappers.
2. Coffee drinkers who put perform an ongoing series of sugar modifications to their drinks, as if testing them for glucose tolerance.
3. Couples in matching sweaters.
4. Joggers who actually just walk, but pretend to run as soon as another pedestrian approaches, then promptly resume trudging along as soon as they pass them.
5. Customers in restaurants who make so many substitutions to an item, that it becomes an entirely different menu item, but when this is pointed out to them, will argue that their substitutions are clearly superior.
6. Businesspeople who think spinning text in their Powerpoint presentations makes them edgy. And worse, that it improves the presentation. Sorry, but until Powerpointless becomes SecondLife, it ain’t gonna be entertaining. At all. Just stop before Edward Tufte head butts you.
7. People who refuse to drink draft Guinness in the US because it was, “so much better in Ireland, that I can barely tolerate it here,” but then proceed to drink cat-piss like Coors or Miller.
8. The coworker who sings to herself all day. Loudly.
9. The person who just took the last whatever-it-is-you-desperately-needed right in front of you.
10. Kanye West
Who do you dislike this week?
15 September, 2009
Caption Time #293

14 September, 2009
So that’s how you do it

08 September, 2009
Zap! You’re pregnant

06 September, 2009
Sex on a Hot Tin Roof
I used to have a cat named Sex. I didn’t name it. My roommate Chris H. had the honors. He was inspired by a mutual friend, Kevin F. who had cats named Gravity and Reality. Chris’ rationale was it would be hilarious to yell “SEEEEEEEEX! Here Sex! Come on, pussy,” across the neighborhood. Consequently we found other amusing things about that name.
1. “Don’t be afraid of Sex, unless she bites or scratches.”
2. “Hey. Sex is waiting for you, outside that door. Right now.”
3. “You hurt Sex!”
4. “Haven’t you been paying any attention to Sex?”
5. “Is Sex all you think about?”
6. “How much does Sex weigh?”
7. “I keep playing with Sex, but she just lays there.”
8. “I saw Sex running through the house.”
9. “There’s Sex on the walls.”
10. “Sex was messy.”
11. “Wow, there’s Sex toys everywhere.”
12. “Sex is fast. She was here for only a minute.”
13. “We got Sex from the Humane Society.”
14. “Are you interesting in buying Sex?”
15. “I am not playing with Sex until that poor pussy has had a trim.”
16. “Having Sex really helps with our mouse infestation.”
17. “I woke up early, looking for Sex all over the house.”
18. “You want Sex? Try the litterbox.”
19. “Don’t open that door! Sex will run away and never come back!”
20. What would you have yelled to a cat named Sex?
Hey. We were 18.
01 September, 2009
More People We Can Safely Dislike #23: Travel Edition
Oh my readers, I have not abandoned you. I am working myself to death slowly. I’ve been in 5 states in four days. Anyway, all this travel got me hating on folks again, so here’s my travel edition of more people we can safely dislike.

UPDATE: No idea how comments got turned off! They are back on.
1. The guy on the plane who keeps kicking the back of your seat
2. The woman who comes back from the airplane lavatory with a fresh gallon of perfume on
3. The psycho next to you who is afraid of flying and keeps grabbing your arm every time turbulence bumps the plane
4. The douchebag who refuses to turn off his iPod, delaying the flight by 20 minutes
5. The geriatric couple who can’t figure out how to put their luggage through the X-ray and end up getting frisked at gunpoint by the FAA
6. The oversexed couple who are nervously making numerous bathroom trips to prep for their Mile High Club initiation
7. The “important executive” who—like the iPod douchebag—delays takeoff because he needs to make “one more call to his secretary”
8. The cheesedick who thinks you are genuinely impressed that he can send texts on his Crackberry
9. The creep who is watching a porn DVD on his laptop. He is seated next to a 10 year-old girl.
10. The Bible salesman who is insistent on saving your soul; or at least saving you 10% on a leatherbound King James
Which travelers do you hate?
27 August, 2009