Recent Effluvia:

  • How to Speak Waiter

    1. “I made this drink special for you. It has a unique, subtle flavor.”
      “I’ve added a toxic cleaning chemical to poison you. Can you guess what it is before the EMT arrives?”
    2. “May I take this out of your way?”
      “You selfish bastard. You’re taking up a table for four by yourself during our dinner rush. I will continue to remove things until it soaks through your proto-hominid skull that you’re not wanted.”
    3. “How is everything tasting?”
      “I don’t give a shit how my service is, so I won’t ask you about it.”
    4. “Small, medium or large?”
      “Just choose the large, fat-ass.”
    5. “Would you like to hear the specials?”
      “I just want 15 more seconds at your table to stare down your date’s blouse.”
    6. “Is the house red, OK?”
      “Clearly, you couldn’t tell a Malbec from a Chianti if it bit you in the ass.”
    7. “Sir, the men’s washroom is all the way down the stairs, turn right, then two lefts, through two more hallways and actually upstairs in the next building.”
      “I’m ensuring you’ll be lost for a good 20 minutes while I hit on your wife.”
    8. “I can move this table out for you, if it’s too close to the wall.”
      “I can’t see how short your skirt is, otherwise.”
    9. “Oh, so sorry I spilled wine on your nice, white shirt. Allow me to pay for the cleaning bill.”
      “Your wife’s breasts distracted me while I was pouring. And that’s a fine Malbec grape. Not that you would know. It will never come out. You’re basically fucked.”
    10. “It’s a pungent bleu cheese with a … complicated flavor.”
      “It’s rubbish. No, literally. We dug it out of the back of our fridge, scraped off the fuzzy bits and gave it a bullshit French name so we could charge more for it.”

    What terms have you learned from the waitstaff?

  • Caption Time #294

    Apparently it’s gross out day on Davezilla. The photo, link and video are all going to make you queasy.

    Caption Time #294

  • How to read a real estate ad

    1. Baroque = Broken
    2. Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn
    3. Charming = Corners don’t line up. Sagging porch.
    4. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow.
    5. Cozy = Cramped
    6. Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children.
    7. Urban Setting = Ghetto
    8. Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere
    9. Historic = Has ghosts
    10. Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts
    11. Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community
    12. Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground.
    13. Private Drive = All your neighbors were eaten by redneck cannibals
    14. Quaint = Outdated
    15. Quiet neighbors = Cult compound
    16. Scenic View = Adjacent Cemetery
    17. Spacious = No windows
    18. Starter Home = Cardboard box
    19. Tree-lined = Welcome to the jungle
    20. Unique Layout = Architect was unlicensed and possibly schizophrenic
    21. Waterfront Property = Septic tank backs up in spring
  • More People We Dislike #24

    1. Brake tappers.
    2. Coffee drinkers who put perform an ongoing series of sugar modifications to their drinks, as if testing them for glucose tolerance.
    3. Couples in matching sweaters.
    4. Joggers who actually just walk, but pretend to run as soon as another pedestrian approaches, then promptly resume trudging along as soon as they pass them.
    5. Customers in restaurants who make so many substitutions to an item, that it becomes an entirely different menu item, but when this is pointed out to them, will argue that their substitutions are clearly superior.
    6. Businesspeople who think spinning text in their Powerpoint presentations makes them edgy. And worse, that it improves the presentation. Sorry, but until Powerpointless becomes SecondLife, it ain’t gonna be entertaining. At all. Just stop before Edward Tufte head butts you.
    7. People who refuse to drink draft Guinness in the US because it was, “so much better in Ireland, that I can barely tolerate it here,” but then proceed to drink cat-piss like Coors or Miller.
    8. The coworker who sings to herself all day. Loudly.
    9. The person who just took the last whatever-it-is-you-desperately-needed right in front of you.
    10. Kanye West

    Who do you dislike this week?

Swiggety-Swag

I make things. People buy them.

Tarot of the Unexplained

USD $22.95

  • The first tarot deck to include cryptids, the paranormal, portals, and Forteana.
  • Silver, gilded-edge 30 gsm cards
  • Includes a 96-page full-color book

Magical AI Grimoire

USD $22.95

  • 288 page grimoire chronicling the magical community’s adoption of tech and AI
  • Learn how to use AI for spells from multiple magical systems point of view
  • Forward by Peter J. Carroll