How to read a real estate ad

18 September, 2009Posted inObservations15 Comments
Baroque = Broken Casual Living = Your neighbors have a refrigerator on their front lawn Charming = Corners don't line up. Sagging porch. Country Living = Your street will never see a snow plow. Cozy = Cramped Diverse Wildlife = Raccoons will raid your garbage. Bats will roost in your attic. Coyotes will eat your dog. Bears will eat your children. Urban Setting = Ghetto Family-ready = Previous tenants left toys everywhere Historic = Has ghosts Interesting History = Has murderous ghosts Laid-back Lifestyle = Retirement Community Outdoor fire-pit = Previous owner burned the garage to the ground. Private Drive…

More People We Dislike #24

15 September, 2009Posted inObservations22 Comments
Brake tappers. Coffee drinkers who put perform an ongoing series of sugar modifications to their drinks, as if testing them for glucose tolerance. Couples in matching sweaters. Joggers who actually just walk, but pretend to run as soon as another pedestrian approaches, then promptly resume trudging along as soon as they pass them. Customers in restaurants who make so many substitutions to an item, that it becomes an entirely different menu item, but when this is pointed out to them, will argue that their substitutions are clearly superior. Businesspeople who think spinning text in their Powerpoint presentations makes them edgy.…

Sex on a Hot Tin Roof

01 September, 2009Posted inObservations28 Comments
I used to have a cat named Sex. I didn't name it. My roommate Chris H. had the honors. He was inspired by a mutual friend, Kevin F. who had cats named Gravity and Reality. Chris' rationale was it would be hilarious to yell "SEEEEEEEEX! Here Sex! Come on, pussy," across the neighborhood. Consequently we found other amusing things about that name. "Don't be afraid of Sex, unless she bites or scratches." "Hey. Sex is waiting for you, outside that door. Right now." "You hurt Sex!" "Haven't you been paying any attention to Sex?" "Is Sex all you think about?"…

More People We Can Safely Dislike #23: Travel Edition

27 August, 2009Posted inObservations12 Comments
Oh my readers, I have not abandoned you. I am working myself to death slowly. I've been in 5 states in four days. Anyway, all this travel got me hating on folks again, so here's my travel edition of more people we can safely dislike. UPDATE: No idea how comments got turned off! They are back on. The guy on the plane who keeps kicking the back of your seat The woman who comes back from the airplane lavatory with a fresh gallon of perfume on The psycho next to you who is afraid of flying and keeps grabbing your…

Nothing to see here folks

19 August, 2009Posted inFreaks, wtf23 Comments
In the interest of job preservation, I have never blogged about work. I'm going to tonight, but I am not pulling a Dooce. This is just something odd that happened today. My fiancée and I both work at the same agency, but on different floors. I went up after work to see what time she was leaving since it was well after 5:00. The janitor was curled up in a chair, moaning slowly like, "Ohhhhhhhhh, Ughhhhhhhhh…" as if in extreme pain. I walked over and tapped her on the shoulder. Me: "Miss, are you, OK?" Janitor: "Dammit! Can't you see…

Google has some interesting autofill suggestions

10 August, 2009Posted inObservations, wtf16 Comments
Ever noticed how Google will start to autofill suggestions as you type? This can lead to some pretty weird suggestions (which means all of us are typing in some really weird things numerous times). This is what I got by typing in "what are these s" and waiting for it to suggest something. Some other fun ones to try: what are these p; 4th result is, "What are these purple boxes in trees?" what are these t; 6th result is, "What are these things on my face?" why did you a; 3rd result is, "Why did you apply methylene blue…