Photo by @rocinante_11 Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Ten things that bug me about lockdown

Having to actually answer the phone because people know I am home.Seeing dust enough to actually feel compelled to do something about it.My Amazon bill.My dog only barks during Zoom meetings.My dog only shits on the floor during Zoom meetings.My dog only gets hungry during Zoom meetings.Not having mail.Having mail.People I don't like that can recognize me in a mask from 100 yards.People I like that cannot recognize me in a mask from 100 inches. What bugs you about lockdown?
I predict for 2020

I predict for 2020 through 2021

The Good News Kanye, in a surprise last-minute move, wins the Electoral College and becomes the next president. First Lady Kim enforces twerking as a fitness regime in elementary schools to the dismay of parents. She admits this was a "marketing miss" and introduces the slogan, "Be Badass." POTUSYe writes a new national anthem that becomes a #1 hit, globally. The release goes quadruple platinum and funds the USPS for the next decade. The hip-hop economy soars, but healthcare becomes a nightmare until POTUSYe sprains his groin doing the splits at his State of the Union Address. POTUSYe whips Russia back into…

Dear Satan,

Seeing as how the world and its population have changed dramatically over the centuries, I have some suggestions for you on expanding Hell to accommodate some of Earth’s newer denizens. Please add new sections to Hell for the following: Cyber Squatters who hold onto URLs.Double Dippers at parties.People who park in handicapped spots because, “I’ll just be a minute.”Karens. People who don’t replace toilet paper but are over the age of seven.(I’m willing to cut slack to those under third grade).Millionaires who complain that Starbucks raised their coffee price by 25¢.People who refuse to put their phone away when it’s…
Every HGTV episode. Ever.

Every HGTV episode. Ever.

First time buyers, Jeremy and Meagan have been looking at stately mansions in California’s pricey Sonoma Wine Country. Their must-haves include an Olympic swimming pool, a 1/4 mile dog kennel run, and a finished basement they can play regulation ice hockey in.” “Meagan is a stay-at-home, Mommy blogger who sends lots of empowering messages to girls on Snapchat. Jeremy is a part-time marionette operator.” House No. 1 MEAGAN: “A grill? Oh no. No. Children are cooked and eaten on grills every year. Hard pass on this one.” [Camera cuts to Jeremy alone on someone else’s driveway] JEREMY: “This house is…