The Good News

Kanye, in a surprise last-minute move, wins the Electoral College and becomes the next president.

First Lady Kim enforces twerking as a fitness regime in elementary schools to the dismay of parents. She admits this was a “marketing miss” and introduces the slogan, “Be Badass.”

POTUSYe writes a new national anthem that becomes a #1 hit, globally. The release goes quadruple platinum and funds the USPS for the next decade.

The hip-hop economy soars, but healthcare becomes a nightmare until POTUSYe sprains his groin doing the splits at his State of the Union Address.

POTUSYe whips Russia back into place, constantly referring to Putin as, “My Little Eastern Bitch.”

The Bad News

Murder Hornets begin breeding with Fire Ants, producing the most dangerous insect species ever. Picnics become a quaint memory.

A new weather pattern emerges in which icebergs, having drifted away from the Arctic, begin lifting up into the sky and dropping on random suburban neighborhoods.

POTUSYe declares falling icebergs a national disaster and “complete bullshit.” An emergency Coachella concert is formed to fund the relief effort.

POTUSYe confers with his Science Dude in Chief, Alex Jones, who determines we have, “angered the Alien Reptoid Overlords” and requests a meeting with their Viceroys, George Bush, Jr., and Elvis Aaron Presley.

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