Recent Effluvia:

1. Grag your phone when it isn’t ringing and scream, “Stop taunting me like this!”
2. Show up doused in White Out. Tell everyone you’re just trying to cover your past mistakes.
3. Announce that tomorrow you will bring fruit salad for the entire office. Use durian.
4. Add, “Please see attachments,” to every email you send. Include JPGs of Captain Crunch or He-Man.
5. Learn to whistle through your nose. Deny doing it.
6. Announce in a worried tone that your pet Hobo spider is missing.
7. Ask Human Resources what their policy is on chronic bedwetters.
8. When asked what you did on vacation, reply sincerely, “Worshipping our lord Satan. And some golf.”
9. Scream at the copy machine, “You call this a reproduction? This is shit! Get your act together or you’re out of a job, mister.”
10. At your performance review, state that your five-year goals include interpretive dance lessons for the upper management.
11. Practice polytonal throat singing like the Tibetan monks do. Chant all meeting notices this way.
12. Show up early to lunch and bend all the spoons in the cafeteria. When coworkers arrive, hold a spoon up to your forehead and concentrate.
13. Ask how the fax machine works. When informed, look stunned and well up with tears. Walk away silently, shaking your head.
14. Ride a Galapagos Tortoise through the office.
15. Wear a black suit and stick hundreds of white threads all over it. Pretend not to notice. When it’s pointed out, remove only one and thank the person profusely for saving you from embarrassment.
16. Do the Time Warp at your desk at 17 minute intervals.
17. Keep a bowl of dog biscuits at your desk. Offer one to anyone who comes to your desk.
18. Demand equal rights for all legless employees. When it’s pointed out that you have legs, call them lowlife bigots.
19. When a coworker uncaps a marker, act extremely high. Hallucinate and scratch your forearms.
20. Put up a flyer announcing gender change operations to be performed in your cubicle all week. Discount for employees with promotional codes.

1. Downward blow to the neck… with sporks
2. Strangulation with a roll of Scotch brand invisible tape
3. Poison his air supply with Febreeze
4. Bra strap double-barrel catapult
5. Force-feed him a kitchen sponge
6. Thong slingshot with a roll of quarters
7. Repeated watchings of Golden Girls
8. Maxipad mouthgag
9. Kidney punched a with statue of St. Anthony
10. Tampon eyestrike

1. Pour Coke on the floor the previous night and allow to harden. Garnish with wads of chewing gum.
2. Buy a DVD, but not the extended version.
3. Make popcorn, but put all the butter on one side of the bowl.
4. Set your cell phone to go off randomly throughout the film.
5. Place an obstacle that is taller than you, directly in front of your seat.
6. Throw popcorn at yourself.
7. Leer at yourself and flirt shamelessly.
8. Do not pause the DVD for bathroom breaks.
9. Ask yourself outloud what is happening. Do this every ten minutes.
10. Give away the ending to yourself.

With help from Nikki

I was thinking recently about my cat. If asked to define her using only someone else’s quotes, it would surely be, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

What quotes would you use to define yourself or your pets?