- The woman in the aisleway who prevents anyone from boarding the plane because she is busy art directing her luggage in the overhead compartment, rather than stuffing it in there and sitting down.
- The couple who ignore their screaming toddler for the duration of the flight.
- The wheezing sleeper I always get stuck next to.
- The flirty girl who wants to talk to me about Jesus.
- The mullet boy who asks me if I, “Got anyfing ta eat.”
- The attractive woman who sexily slips off her pumps to reveal feet that smell like gangrenous musk oxen.
- The “religious expert” who is certain I am actually Muslim.
- The frat boys sitting three rows apart who loudly recreate the dialogue of several Jim Carey movies to each other.
- The aging twit with the greasy comb-over who is convinced the flight attendant wants to have hot, monkey sex with him.
- Who’s getting to you this week?
Posted inOriginal Humor
No one’s getting to me. that’s what the tinfoil hat is for.
[Comment ID #68064 will be quoted here]
Too weird. I just finished watching Signs and read this comment. The kids in the movie wore tinfoil hats to protect them form aliens. :wtf:
11. The guys I am sitting between who both think they own the armrests, leaving me wedged into a sliver of space half my size.
12. The entire flight of selfish assholes who would not give up a pair of seats together so my husband and I could sit together on the way to our honeymoon (true story). We had to sit in opposite ends of the plane.
13. Same flight: the guy next to me who constantly eyed any package of snacks I got, greedlily waiting for me to fall asleep. I ate all four peanuts and the eraser sized cookies in front of him and commented on how delicious they were and how you can never get this quality of food anywhere else.
I think the same guy gets me every week, and that has to be Bush this week for tapping our bank accounts. And I to hate that lady who cant get her stuff in the capartment!
14. People who stand in the aisle and look back toward the bathroom for about two hours straight. They’re usually “the tall guy who’s uncomfortable” or the red haired balding nutless father who needs to bounce his kid around in the aisle so it doesn’t kick his pussy ass while he’s sitting still. They stare back at you and it’s fucking uncomfortable – everyone should be facing forward except the underachieving 40 year old who should be serving me 4oz of soda and .0002oz of sesame sticks.
15. Olympic “deplaners”. They undo their belt before they’re told and they’re up with their stinky asses in your face going for their carry-on like hyenas disembowelling the dead. Then they stand there in the aisle out of breath and impatient – they’re usually 45 and above.
16. Airplane designers who haven’t figured out we are mostly made out of water and need water around us in the air to feel comfortable. I guess since we can’t design a decent HVAC system on the ground how could we possibly in the air?
Eventhough we are kicked out of the soccer worldchampionship …. the people who still wear orange hats, orange clogs, orange shirts with plastic tits on the front (or back), have orange flags on their cars, who have not repainted their (especially y for the occasion) painted orange cars, the people who have not removed the hundreds of orange stringed flags from their houses. Basically anything orange bothers the shit out of me.
Now I need :java:
You forgot to mention the freak-hating guard with the huge fingers who roughly strip-searched you , Dave!! I told you the all-white thing wouldn’t wash! 😈
Who’s getting to you this week?
Glad you asked Dave, glad you asked…
Refs, especially World Cup refs, you know the ones I’m talking aboot, the evil small minded slightly retarded blind sonsofbitches who couldn’t see their own noses on their faces if they were’nt attached.
Apart from that, I’m in a happy place right now.
Thanks for asking.
:geek:
Thank you Dave. This Topic’s therapy you should charge for…
11. The two older women who sit behind you having a conversation about which foods make you ‘gassier’…
12. Having your flight arrive 1hr 15min late and as you taxi to the gate, hear the co-pilot announce “We understand some of you may have connecting flights… We wish you luck with those. Tell you what, next time we’ll make it up to you by flying a little faster. Thanks for flying Southwest…” 👿
13. Having said flight arrive so that you have to get your luggage, RUN to catch a inter-terminal shuttle to a different terminal, RUN up 3 flights of stairs, re-check in, run thru security, and catch your next flight all in 35 mins. Any of you who have had the misfortune to fly thru Phoenix’s Sky Harbor Airport will understand… 👿
14. Airlines who subject you to a in-flight movie of ‘Failure To Launch’ while the seat you are in has a broken headphone jack. (Probably better off)
15. Having a pilot who announces (after taking off) that one of the reasons the flight left late was that the part of the plane that lets them start their engines by themselves “Isn’t working very well right now…” 👿 👿
pant, pant, pant… Sorry but I feel so much better…
As to the link…
Hey Dave, those ‘thong boxers’ are all white. Are you allowed to wear those? 😆
On my very first flight I was a nervous wreck. The wife of a pastor sat down beside me and we made small talk. Having learned it was my first flight, she then patted my hand and said “I’ll pray for you”. Not exactly what I wanted to hear….
The 5 yr old who should of been givin sleep aid before put on flight that has to ask you for the left over cookie on your tray. What ever happend to DONT TALK TO STRANGERS? Does that rule just cuz your 30,000 feet in the air?
10. The passenger who stands at the check-in counter looking for his ID and ticket. You’re supposed to prepare those in advance ass wipe.
11. The passenger who insists on sticking an elephant in the overhead compartment, thus holding up the flight because he won’t let the flight attendant put it in the cargo hold.
12. Non-stop talkers… if I don’t answer you it means I don’t fucking care.
13. Screaming baby. Give the kid a shot of whiskey and be done with it.
14. Children kicking my seat. Tell your kid to stop kicking my seat or I am going to punch you in the nose.
15. People who enjoy airline food. Yuck!!! lol… please don’t eat that in front of me.
16. People who want to sleep on your shoulder. Look buddy. If you do that again, I will slam your head against the window.
The romantic Spanish couple sitting in front of me on the train this morning, chewing gum loudly, giving each other nice slurpy kisses and yelling sweet nothings at each other hoarsely even though they were sitting inches apart. It sounded like someone trying to unblock a toilet using a toothless warthog with whooping cough.
And by the way Anna, you should come to Belfast in July. You’d just looove it.
[Comment ID #68092 will be quoted here]
thank God ~sigh~ “our” orange is just related to sport
[Comment ID #68086 will be quoted here]
Frayed knot. Not because of religious restrictions, but taste.
What’s with the male love doll? He has no :wang: I call bullshit! 😕
[Comment ID #68100 will be quoted here]
Some men don’t have a penis. They just have big cars.
Airplane Edition:
– When the guy next to you asks for a Dr. Pepper and the stewardess pours it. Then asks you what you want and you say “Dr. Pepper”… and she says the guy next to you took the last one. So you settle for Diet Pepsi.
– The kid behind you who can’t put his tray table up, so is constantly slamming it up against the back of your seat while the parents say “Try it again”.
– The woman next to you who wants to read while you sleep. No problem. Until she points her overhead light right at you because “when it’s directly on the page, I can’t see the words”.
– The one guy with the laptop (sometimes yourself, sometimes someone else) and the horde of people that walk by trying to get a soundless glimpse of a movie they’re not really interested in.
… all of this to and from Las Vegas.
The cartoon tiger sitting next to you who keeps shouting about how grrrrreat everything is…
-lets not forget the grown men travelling to a reunion that make barf bag hand puppets and wear the flight pillows on their heads like fred flintstone water buffalo hats. (sorry that was me)
-the (too large for my seat so i will burgeon into yours) german grandmother who is travelling across country with her 2 year old grandaughter and a new puppy that she has in a bag under the seat.
-people who want to sit in the lotus position and snack on vegetarian kibble all through the flight.
-the anouncement after you land that we should all congratulate pilot so and so for his first successful passenger flight.
-customs officials-customs officials-customs officials.
Note to self #167761 – Airline etiquette –
Do not travel on commercial airlines, charter private jet.
🙄
I’ve never had to fly on commercial airlines, does all of that really happen? That sounds so….barbaric. And you people still do it? And you PAY to do it?
Dang…..
People who chat with you nonstop – even though you have headphones and a book.
😈
I was on a flight last week, working on my laptop, and the cocksucker next to me would not take his eyes of my screen. Guess who “accidentally” got a drink spilled on him?
[Comment ID #68115 will be quoted here]
That’s when you want to have a stash of burn victim photos to display on your laptop. Better still, airplane fatality photos.
The last time I was on a plane, there was this ancient woman sitting across the row from me who had her dog in a carrier under her chair. This dog smelled awful to begin with, then it crapped all over the cage, so the entire 4 hour flight to Phoenix smelled like dog doo. :puke:
Also, I was sitting on the aisle seat of a three row section, and I had to sit next to this little kid and his dad, and the little kid had to go piss every five minutes, so I had to get up every time. I could have throttled the kid. 👿
many times have i been lucky enough to board a flight, only to be ushered to the seat in the back near the school group coming home from a vacation. nothing like 30 pre-teens with no parents and far too few chaparones. :puke: 😡
[Comment ID #68116 will be quoted here]
Good idea! Never thought of that.
The lady with the nervous dog who farts the entire flight. I still wonder, was it the lady or the dog?
The non-smoker who goes out to the smoking section to bitch at someone on her phone, then fans the air in front of her face like the smoke is bothering her.
1. You’re in OUR SPOT now non-smoker!
2. Stop yelling on your phone, people are trying to relax here!
the flight attendant with bad body odor who insists on leanin over to help the person next to me.
the flight attendant at the gate who wont let you board the plain until she calls your number. which is 89 and she is on two with nobody in sight.
the little kid who stairs at u the whole flight
the person in front of you who wants to lean their chair all the way back till they are almost layin in your lap. i just keep coughin till they get up.
The 62 year old flight attendant with the geriatric shoes and an attitude lecturing passengers on how they used to work on the Constellations. Being searched at the airport for drugs when I was GOING toJamaica
:puke: That idiot who has to FLY who gets car sick on the ride to the airport and insists on eating a huge bowl of chilli before the flight and is on his 8th bag 40 min into a 5 hour flight and HAS to have a window seat so that he feels better.
That flyer who hates to fly, who is scared to death to fly, who is bounning up and down, trying to put finger groves in the freeking arm rest. Look if it really is that bad, take the damn train. Get off my plane, let me enjoy myself
My Business partners who can not find there ass with both hands and who can not figure out how to do testing for the new system and open defects by the buckets that take time to research.
:puke: That idiot who has to FLY who gets car sick on the ride to the airport and insists on eating a huge bowl of chili before the flight and is on his 8th bag 40 min into a 5 hour flight and HAS to have a window seat so that he feels better.
That flyer who hates to fly, who is scared to death to fly, who is bouncing up and down, trying to put finger groves in the freaking arm rest. Look if it really is that bad, take the damn train. Get off my plane, let me enjoy myself
My Business partners who can not find there ass with both hands and who can not figure out how to do testing for the new system and open defects by the buckets that take time to research.
Aisle seats andhe rude flight attendants who won’t warn you before bashing into your elbow with the drink cart.
How about the people that wanna talk in a different language, whilst staring at you during every syllable break.
The extremely, over cheerful flight attendents and the person next to me that seems to think I’m a pillow, snoring in my ear.
[Comment ID #68112 will be quoted here]
yes well the private jet is in the shop right know……
[Comment ID #68177 will be quoted here]
oops meant now
[Comment ID #68116 will be quoted here]
Burn victims? Fatality photos? Those are for amateurs. Tubgirl all the way!
[Comment ID #68189 will be quoted here]
Make it a goatse!
Nothing to do with flying, but apparently, a law went into effect that all drivers in front of me must do 5-10 miles under the speed limit. 👿
– People who kick the back of my seat.
– The person in front of me who reclines their chair so that the tray digs into my stomach.
– The guy who’s watching a better movie on his laptop, while the rest of us are stuck watching “Cheaper By the Dozen 2.”
– People who clap when the plane lands.
– Crying babies and/or people who talk way too loud (especially on a red eye flight)
Another person who’s on my nerves right now is my sister’s so-called “boyfriend” because he was so loud and obnoxious at the bar tonight. And, on top of that, I really don’t think he’s good enough for my sister.
I fly for a living and the one thing that just pisses me off are the multitude of amatuer flyers who:
1. Refuse to check luggage and try to stuff it into every nook there is
2. Can’t figure out the security lines and that ALL metal has to be removed
3. Bitch about getting a center seat but wait until the last minute to buy the damn ticket
4. Who got to get on the damn plane first and run you over trying (hey, no matter when you get on the plane…we all get there at the same time!).
5. The dumb ass that sits in row 52 but puts there freaking bag in the overhead bin at row 5!!! 👿
– The only guy in the exit row in front of me who switches seats so he can sit right in front of me and put his seat all the way back, causing the tray table I’m using to pin me to my seat.
– Airplane designers who thought it was more important to add two extra rows of seats, rather than give the rest of the passengers any leg room.
You people live to interesting lives.. I haven’t been on a plane in many years.
I’m confused about the link.. why doesn’t the male doll have a :wang:???
1. The two 40 something women sitting next to me talking non stop for 4 freaking hours about some Hollywood Pop-Tart….. Oh My God, did you hear about Brittney ? She dropped her baby ! And Kevin, he’s cheating on her! …. Oh the horror of it all.
2. The trailer trash couple sitting next to me on a flight to Minneapolis. She tried to give him a handjob, then had an attitude when I told her I was getting up to use the restroom and she might want to use the extra space to blow him while I was gone.
Variation on the theme in #1:
Some a-hole with a piece of luggage too big for the overhead, that he refused to check, holding up everyone from boarding, on a day when it’s storming (and by default we had limited time to taxi out and take off); holding everyone up so long that we missed our “take off window” and had to sit on the tarmac for another 40 minutes until some storm clouds passed.
PS: This, of course, was en route back to NY from Jamaica after Hurricane Emily last summer after a four hour layover in Charlotte, and I had a case of severe “traveler’s bowel” the entire time. :wtf: :wtf: