Inventions I’d like to see

  1. They can make copiers that can run 500 documents at 120 pages per minute, so why can’t they make a vending machine that accepts a wrinkly dollar bill?
  2. Can we make microwaves that read the barcodes on microwave popcorn and reset their own timers so they don’t burn when idiot coworkers set them for 13 minutes?
  3. If they can make cold medicine that lasts 24 hours, why can’t they make toothpaste that keeps my teeth clean for an entire day?
  4. Why isn’t there toothpaste that tastes great after orange juice?
  5. Screw those heat packs for camping. How about socks that stay toasty from the dryer all day?
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Show 36 Comments


  1. pablo

    Exploding brain chips as part of a pre-nuptual
    Curduroy underpants that vibrate when you walk
    Child proof caps that keep you from having children
    Large neon signs pointing out the differences between shit and shinola
    Huge inescapable metal claws that hold Dave in one place so he never leaves us to our own devices to create our own entertainment

  2. – Cars that don’t leak oil ever. Think about it dripping into our wastewater and then into water supply. 🙄
    Stupid leaking gaskets on millions of cars. (Sorry that isn’t funny but it is honest)

    – Auto translating web pages – view a page in any language.
    – Easy programs that make coding absolutely obsolete. (Although coding is an amazing skill, make my life easier please) I realize that HTML code is what old word processors used to look like.
    – PCs that you never have to upgrade or get too slow.
    (Moving on to PC#6 or so. That might happen one day.)
    – A button on a LAN that can turn a single connection on/off. Why on earth do the call it an Ethernet switch anyway? put some buttons on it for crying out loud .
    – AA batteries that last for weeks or months not 5 hours (The person that does this will be a instant billionaire.)

    – Some basics would be nice cure cancer, common cold etc.
    – I like the pop corn scanner idea.
    :java: 😕 umm far too serious

  3. All I want is Douglas Adams’ vision to be a reality: a real babelfish that I can pop in my ear and understand any and every language in the world.

  4. Some one once described CAD (Computer Aided Design) sarcastically to a non Cad user like this. “Do you think I can just put a silvery Metallic helmet with wires coming out of it on my head and the images just magically appear on the screen? No we have to draw them.”

    I never laughed so hard in my life. Some one invent that please.
    Could work with other stuff too. 8) :wtf:

  5. Gladia

    In regards to # 5 you CAN get heated socks, they stay toasty warm until you manage to break the wires or the battery goes dead……. Also, i agree with Minnie on the bable fish that would be great and very useful,
    a device to let you know when it is REALLY okay to trust your first intuition, or at least to prod you so you realize that’s what you are feeling…..
    🙄 ❓

  6. Gladia

    oops, Babelfish……

  7. Spud

    Inventions I’d like to see


    1. The perpetual engine realised

    2. Insurance that actually pays without the argument

    3. All tax agencies to disappear

    4. Somebody who knows how to make a genuine Swiss chocolate malted milkshake.

    5. Corn chips that have salsa on them without dipping.


  8. I would like a device that slaps the driver who sits at a green light while on the phone.

    A pair of glasses that react to somebody’s stinking ass breath and give them a hint to freshen up.

    Yea the socks are already there as Gladia mentioned here are some.

  9. Da Popster

    To wake up and find that the last 6 years were nothing but a bad dream brought about by something I ate before going to bed. 😳 Phoenix Drive 1 is NOT on my list of ” need to have ” games. :puke: :puke: :limp: :wtf:

  10. sledge

    pizza that does not arrive cold or so hot that it burns the roof of my mouth a machine that inserts a flaming missle up the nether regions of all telemarketers when they call you

  11. [Comment ID #82556 will be quoted here]

    No, these are not the socks. I want my normal socks, nice looking ones, to be able to stay warm by virtue of the fabric, not with batteries. Is that so much to ask? 😈

  12. Dave,

    Have you tried the pepper-powder foot warmers? Developed for foot ball players 5 or 10 years ago, I understand they work great for hunters, etc. Cayenne, mustard, and a couple of others, follow instructions and wash only with *cold* water. I understand if you screw up and use hot water before getting the power off (works great on hands, too) the burning lasts for days.

    I got an oil treatment, Xado, developed in Russia. It rebuilds worn places where metal rubs inside the car engine with a ceramic-metallic composite that is more slippery and harder than the metal that initially wore away. I want some of that crap for the radiator, to repair a blown head gasket or cracked block.

    I want a horse feed that horses can’t founder on.

    I want something to slip into the barn cat’s feed to prevent kittens. I can’t catch the blasted thing, and a vet visit is way expensive for a barn cat. (Barn cat — you put cat food in a dish. WIthin a couple of week you have a barn cat or three. As Fire Sign Theater put it in ‘The Hole’, “They come, they go.”)

    I want a bull snake sized garter snake that stays perfectly hidden, eats bunches of bugs and mice, and won’t go after eggs, chicks, or kittens. See above.

    I want a dog trained to kill armadilloes and possums, drag the carcase 1500 feet from the house, and bring back the tail for a ‘good boy!’.

    I want someone to bring back the Stanley Steamer automobile. All this blithering about ‘hybrid’ crap, what about diesel-steam? Or the old atomic/steam idea?

    I want a hydroelectric design made to generate useful energy from water level drops of 2 to 5 foot. I also want an inexpensive natural gas powered generator that will get some damn use out of the gas burned off at many oil wells here in Oklahoma. I also want oil refineries to change their ‘flare towers’ so the burning does some good when they run tons of crap up the pipe to be burned away in open air. Like use it in a steam generator. Or refine the stuff. When the flare is bright enough to cast a shadow in my yard from 4 miles away, that is enough crap to care about wasting.

    Well, gotta go. I was so excited reading about Al Gore and how this administration, just like the Clinton years, refused to ask GM or Ford or Chrysler to actually improve gas mileage — I dug out my ‘The Greater Los Angeles Blizzard’, a novel by Thom Racina. Fair writing, interesting premise of the next (current?) ice age.

  13. chainstay

    Brad K, re: repairing radiator,head gasket, block, so forth and so on. Strangly enough, I found just the ticket last week. It is made by CRC and is called Copper Block Weld. It is a modified liquid glass formula fortified with copper. Theoretically it will permanently seal holes and cracks in blocks, heads, radiators, and many other things. I can’t vouch for its effectiveness as I have not used it yet. To tell the truth, I am a bit leery about pouring a concoction of glass and copper into my engine. My mechanic father-in-law had this to say about the stuff. “Yea, it works.” Man of few words he is. There is a warning however, harmful or fatal if swallowed!
    So much for my hopes of an all in one diarrhea and ulcer treatment.

  14. A dog whistle of some sorts that works on those idiots who play their rap or heavy metal music WAY too loud.

    Itch-free wool.

    Blankets that’ll stay on the bed no matter how much I kick and toss and turn in the night.

    Clothes that will adjust their size automatically as I lose weight so I don’t have to give all my fat clothes away.

    And a teleporter, of course.

  15. chainstay

    oops, forgot the e in strangely. Sorry about that, I have a ferocious ..headache.

  16. ducatisti

    I got an oil treatment, Xado, developed in Russia. It rebuilds worn places where metal rubs inside the car engine with a ceramic-metallic composite that is more slippery and harder than the metal that initially wore away.

    So, where does this stuff go when it contacts the pistons, rings, valves, cam, rockers, roller bearings, plain bearings and needle bearings – all of which work with .005″ clearance or less? How does it discern the difference between these necessary clearances, and ‘unnecessary’ clearances.

    Anyway, leaky engines are caused by the gasket shrinking/getting old, and the heat annealing and subsequent stretching of the bolts holding the two parts together that require the gasket . Other causes can be something inside the engine getting loose and flailing around, breaking the gasket seal. This is what usually happens when you get a timing belt cover leak.

    The gunk you’re putting in your engine may be heavier than oil, and will settle to the bottom of the crankcase, where it may plug a few holes. However, anything that actually deposits stuff (welds it) onto metal or aluminum is NOT something that i would be useful in an engine.


    Sorry about the aside.

    I love my electric vest when riding motorcycles in chilly weather – but I hate that darned cord that I forget is plugged in – and I try to walk away from the bike while still ‘tethered’. Ya go from ‘cool’ to ‘dork’ real quick! I’d like that warm fuzzy feeling, without the leash!

    I want all my rechargable and battery-driven devices to last for weeks, not hours!

  17. RE Gasket fix make an Oil-less engine. No gaskets no leaks. Large ships have engines without oil cases. The engines were open from the sides and you could see the pistons and rods move.

    Dave is talking a Nanotech fiber with the self-heating fabric. They have one with silver in it that kills bacteria.
    But I haven’t seen one that heats anything yet besides “Thinsulate ©”.

    Any thing made with Carbon fiber is so cool. There is a new incredible rope called “Spectra ©” made by Dupont ©. A small 3/8 diameter will lift what a 1” rope normally will. (Tiny lifts massive)

    Hybrids are the next thing. They are in the R&D (Research and Development) stage. Every company that wants to sell cars in the future is thinking about Fuel usage. Check out this electric hybrid – 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.

    I also add any renewable power device that is practical and inexpensive.
    Like efficient Solar or Wind power. …. Please Santa Please.

    As for the telemarketer device – I would like that too.

  18. A fax machine that lets you send pizza.
    It would not only solve sledge’s problems but would also make the roads a lot safer by resucing the number of two-wheeled delivery kamakazes.
    On the other hand, if ever a fly got stuck on the pizza just as you were faxing it, you might end up with a flat Jeff Goldblum coming out the other end. I mean like, think about it Dude.

  19. pablo

    A scanner that would point out women who are evil bitches and men who are total assholes

    Seld adhering cattle prods for people who:
    Double dip
    Fart constantly
    Refer to me as Chief, Buddy, Pal, Mac, or anything other than my name.
    Have breath that is visible even on warm days

    A machine that can bring Saddam back so we can shoot him, then stab him, then electrocute him and when everybody is happy put a stick of dynamite up his kiester .

  20. MJaz

    Davezilla said:

    [davezilla quote] No, these are not the socks. I want my normal socks, nice looking ones, to be able to stay warm by virtue of the fabric, not with batteries. Is that so much to ask? [/end davezilla quote]

    {MJaz quote]

    They come in WHITE – and they have fungicide and deodorant built in. (phew) [/end Mjaz Quote]

    OK this is the craziest thing! I have 2 different computers on my desk. My comment is visable on one of the computers, but I noticed it was not on the other . It skipped right from Lung’s comment to Pablo. I checked on my husbands puter too- and it’s not there. Aliens? A conspiracy? OMG! now I am getting paranoid!! The internet is going NUTS! Help!!! :dead:

    Anyway.. reposted to get that cruicial link to Davezilla… those thermal space-age white sexah sox.

  21. Actually I think #2 exists.

    BTW dave i’m in lovely Dearborn. Came in town for the IKEA, doing the casino tonight…

  22. Cronewynd

    My dear hubby had to remind me, forcefully, to BREATHE as I laughed my way through that Phoenix video game thing…

    That was incredibly hideous!!! 😀

  23. am i blind or did no one mention Nikky Tesla’s invention of Broadcast Energy? Or how about Zero-point energy, for that matter?

  24. kennyH

    Dave if you ever find those sox, please tell me where! I’m froze to the bone in the morning!!!! ❓

  25. They nixed the Idea of Broadcast electricity because they didn’t know how to bill for it.

    Tesla developed a system to get electricity into your home or anywhere (even impoverished countries) with out wires. But they couldn’t figure out how to bill for it. He Installed the Power Generators in the Niagara River and started the electrical systems we have in our homes today. If he were here today we wouldn’t have any energy problems at all. If you would have shown him the AA battery problem he would have laughed and sketched out a solution. He was so advanced they still don’t understand his theories. He invented AC electrical system then Invented the Florescent lamp, Neon Lamps, Motors, Generators, Steam Engines, regular engines etc, he did secret military stuff too.

    I read his biography very wild design stuff. A very good read.

    OK points for wireless energy. 🙂

  26. Teslas concept – Apparently the world governments are still talking about how to implement this. Here is proof of this Wireless electrical system. His Patent drawings are shown here. They are interesting.
    He states cars and ships could move without fuel and would just pull energy from the air.

    Happy New year everyone. Peace :mrgreen:

  27. Myra

    Phasers to zap those annoying people who sit forever at green lights because they are putting on their makeup or talking on the phone. Not enough to kill them, just to give them a good buzz. Same for all those men who call me honey, sugar or whatever just because I am female. Also, all politicians shoudl be forced to wear a visible bullshit detector what gives them a good jolt when the meter gets too high (which would be constantly!). 😈

  28. ducatisti:

    According to the literature, and advertising, the small tubes of stuff (I got mine at 1/3 price at, Wichita, KS) contain a ceramic matrix. Where metal rubs, such as rings agains piston walls, the heat attracts the Xado stuff, which combines with the metal particles in the oil, and bonds at the point of friction. Where the ceramic-metal stuff reduces the friction. Where there is play in the parts due to wear, the small impacts still generate enough heat to continue the buildup. They advertise with pictures of ‘rebuilt’ cylinder walls before and after treatment, sliced to clearly show where metal has been rebuilt with the lower-friction combined stuff. The composite is claimed to be harder than the original metal. My neighbor put some in his John Deere, Ford F-350, and his daughter’s van. I have seen that the oil pressure came up a bit on both the John Deere and the pickup, presumably as the Xado ‘restored’ wear in the oil pumps, pretty much as advertised.

    Oh, and they claim that a treated engine can go for hours with no damage after a total loss of oil. I really don’t want to test that.

  29. That is similar to STP (developed in WW2 for army vehicles) and Slick50. It makes a very thin coating on the inside of your engine. My Diesel mechanics teacher said be leery of additives. They may look good but may do things that you don’t want. Some are corrosive some may leave deposits. Etc

    Just put a request into the R&D department they will work it out.
    “Please make me an engine that doesn’t leak anything, Please”
    That is the way it works.

    Someone stop me if I am being too serious. 😀
    I want to hear more Ideas

    My sister said
    “A self cleaning house” and
    “An exercise machine that you press one button and your 45 minute work out is done.”

  30. Mayborn

    a mute button for women who talk to much.

    oh and sorry to burst your bablefish idea but they are still barely able to make functional voice recognition software so a working translator is way off ( bah)

    light weight wearable x ray glasses.

    wireless power transmittors. So i dont have to swap batteries in my cordless mouse.

    make televisions which are able to show the new goggle free 3D stuff.

    self cleaning underwear

    organic interface with computers… I want a harddrive in my brain asap.

    360 view on cars. Think of it as beeing inside a lost in space ( remake) movie space fighter.

    a pill to let men organically grow big breats.

  31. Howie

    Random Marriage expiration date generator – you pick the spouse and you are stuck for that long before you can renew the contract for another random amount of time.

    “Stupid Shockers” – every time someone does something stupid, they receive a shock. The duration and intensity of each shock compounds. After enough stupid, they vaporize. Mandatory insertion at birth.

    Vibrating tampons (I’ve suggested this before). Since Men must endure “bitch week” every month, and women must endure the friendly visit, allow the woman to have some pleasure during that time and if they so choose, they can have the vibrating napkin (with wings). Disclaimer: Do not remove without turning off!

    YIP-YIP bark and explode – dogs can bark up to a random amount of times and then explode.

  32. Put a big frigging stop cancel button on all printers.
    Everyone I know has the same issue. 😳 👿

  33. Demara

    a breakup robot for those men who are just to sensitive

    worst day of a mans life where a man goes through all the things women go through so they can stop fucking complaining about our bitchy weeks 🙄

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