How to speak in account rep

When they say, “The client wants to move in a new direction…”
They mean, “I want to move in a new direction…”

When they say, “The client believes your idea may be detrimental to their business.”
They mean, “I have no idea what your idea means. Does it have like, science or something?”

When they say, “The client still hasn’t come to a decision on that yet.”
They mean, “I forgot to call the client. Again.”

When they say, “This is a rush project.”
They mean, “I just found this folder behind my desk. It’s been there since last September.”

When they say, “This project requires your utmost attention.”
They mean, “I haven’t read the client’s briefing. You do it.”

When they say, “I need some time to look this over.”
They mean, “I want to surf porn in my office.”

When they say, “Let’s regroup to discuss this.”
They mean, “I’d rather blather on than do a lick of work.”

When they say, “You didn’t follow this project to specs.”
They mean, “I didn’t take notes in the meetings, this project is fucked and somehow I’m going to pin it on you.”

When they say, “This will have to go through the legal department while I’m on vacation.”
They mean, “The client will be getting sued for my stupidity, so I’m leaving town ASAP.”

When they say, “That answer doesn’t sit well with me.”
They mean, “I had Taco Bell for lunch.”

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  1. For the last one, replacing “Taco Bell” with Indian Food/Kung Pao Chicken/Rat Testicles would also certainly apply.

  2. Actually, in all cases, the correct answer is “I want to go back to my office and surf pr0n …” — especially the Shemale Impersonator type so I can fantasize about my incredibly tiny DICK.

  3. Spud

    Rust, our man of the hour, the man with the power!

    albeit slightly reduced…


  4. Nicholle

    Alas, you’ve broken our highly secretive code.
    We’ll have to find new ways to confuse non-accountant types.:mrgreen:

  5. I guess Account Reps speak the same language across all industries. I recognize that tongue.

    Here’s another one:

    When they say, “Could you quote it both ways so the client will have a choice?”
    They mean, “I’m too scared to call the client to ask for details cause then they’ll know I don’t understand what they want”

  6. Spud

    27. Doctors, astronauts, and plumbers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a computer is a graphic designer.



  7. DK

    How about, “For some reason, the darn client wants me to do the advance trip to assess the hotel and facilities in Cancun… I’ll brief you when I get back.” 🙄

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