Finally, a talent equal to Tiny Tim

If you’ve ever had any doubts whether or not Britney Spears has any talent, let me shoot them in the foot right now, then bend those doubts over, give them a knee to the groin, pull their shirt over their head and sweep their legs. Perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps it is because I have been watching martial arts movies all morning.

I am of course, referring to Britney’s “Honeymoon Poem.” It is, if I may quote George Bush, “a catastrophic success.” Forget all the inane LiveJournal goth poetry you’ve ever begrudgingly read. This one beats them all.

Honeymoon Poem

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin’
She said it was called Turtle Island.

I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.

We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.

As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.

Friendly “hellos” and never goodbyes
When you’re having fun, oh, how time flies!

As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!

~ Britney

Link via The Superficial

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  1. Well, she sure as hell doesn’t write her own songs.

    Not that I thought that she ever did.

  2. She does know that Turtle Island is a recycling company, right? Right? :dead:

  3. Actually…

    … reading that, and then reading some of her song lyrics, I wouldn’t be that surprised:

    Oops!…I did it again
    I played with your heart, got lost in the game
    Oh baby, baby
    Oops!…You think I’m in love
    That I’m sent from above
    I’m not that innocent

    … and then …

    Time is up
    No more cheat n’ lie
    No more tears to dry
    You and I, we’re like so “bye-bye”
    I am over you
    Totally unblue
    And I can hear myself saying
    I am better off without you
    Stronger than ever and I
    I’m tellin’ you now

    … and then …

    What you see is what you get
    This is me, hey you
    If you want me, don’t forget
    You should take me as I am
    ‘Cause I can promise you
    Baby, what you see is what you get

    … and then …

    I’m not a girl
    Not yet a woman
    All I need is time
    A moment that is mine
    While I’m in between

    … and then …

    Oh hell, just go here if you dare.

    It’s sad. It’s very, very sad. 🙁


  4. Esther

    I think my I.Q. just dropped 10 points from reading that.:???:

  5. Britney’s poetry is lame and stiff
    Can we just push her off a cliff?

  6. Spud

    I think it is a touching momento of britanys thoughts of her honeymoon.

    Deep and insightful, full of little treasures.

    Almost Haiku like …

    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.

    Your system crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

  7. it’s GENIUS I tell you! pure, unadulterated genius. With a capital G for GOODNESS and GREATNESS and GALL!

    By the way, who is/are Brittany Spires?

    I have to get me one of them radio stereo things that you can tune to listen to that rap music.

    In the meantime I listen to my own brand of ©rap on my radio —

    Is this a shameless plug? PLAY ON, NANA MOUSKOURI!

  8. Patrick

    I wonder if the other assistants DO, RE, ME, SO, LA and TITO are mad that they did’nt get to deliver the happy news?:grin:

  9. Lace Valentine

    “I remember it well, as she was smilin’
    She said it was called Turtle Island.”

    Sounds like Britney has been reading the poems of Gary Snyder. Either that or she likes turtles very much. Turtles are symbols of pent up energy; they are reptilian scarabs. Turtles are the silent masters of themselves.

    She’ll never be, however, a poetess of Jewel’s caliber. There’s only room on my coffee table for one book by a songstress/poetess of blonde freckledom. That Alaskan muse of Alaskan pie…

    But brunettes seem to be so much better at poetry and sex for some reason. If only Edna St. Vincent Millay could record pop music and gossip about Hilda Doolittle.

    But the women with a streak of red in their manes are always the best poets: Tori Amos, Emily Bronte (I think) and Emily Dickinson. Sappho was a redhead too. What, you never heard of Greek redheads? There’s a cottage industry of Greek redhead poetry published by certain lesbian presses–it’s a whole world unto itself!

  10. Hey Lace Valentine – I’m a Greek redheaded poetess … drop me a comment on my site so I can get your e-mail address … I’d like more information about those books. I didn’t know anything about them.

    (I’m not really “Greek” in the ethnic sense, but in the sorority sense.)



  11. Tori Amos may be a redhead, but she’s a ripoff of much smarter redhead, Kate Bush. Yeah, I said it, Had to be said. 😛

  12. Anonymous

    I am dressing like the McDonalds chick next Halloween. Tomatoe anyone?


  13. Will you talk with the pseudo-European accent, too? :mrgreen:

  14. Lace Valentine

    Stacy: My email address is [email protected] Put “Davezilla” in the subject line so I’ll answer (for anyone that writes)

    Sappho was a pagan Greek poet from ages back, from the island of Lesbos and most of her poetry has been translated but some of it is missing, fragmented but what is there is wonderful. It’s passionate love poetry and lyrical–honey on the tongue.

    Hilda Doolittle, an America, was an early love interest of Ezra Pound. Much of her poetry has a Greek sensibility. She was also analyzed by Freud himself and I think she was a case study in his writings. She published her poems under the initials H.D. I believe New Directions has published her. Her poetry is amazing and lyrical and she captures the spirit of the wind and sun on wave-plashed rocks of Greecian islands.

    Emily Dickinson is–some might not have known–indeed a redhead. And in my opinion she’s America’s greatest poet. Her thought is rapid and profound, truly original and a little eccentric. She keeps the sense of awe, and can teaches the reader holy terror. She was by no means a sentimental wallflower. Emily coupled eternity to the present moment. As a joke I call her Saint Emily ( a secular saint)She was the woman I was supposed to marry.

    As for Emily Bronte, she writes like a redhead, I imagine she’s a redhead, but I do not know for sure. Kate Bush, as I’m sure Dave knows, wrote a wonderful song after her novel, “Wuthering Heights.”

    Dave, Kate sounds a little more witchy to me in her high rise and falls, but yes, certainly she was an early influence on Tori. “Little Earthquakes” is an amazing album though.

    Tori’s masterpiece–where she has really centered her sound and soul and style–just might be the album, Scarlet’s Walk. I always thought her a bit intense, especially live, which was a little off-putting for me, but that album totally blew me away and I was converted! Those are the only two albums I own from Tori, and after what she went through (rape) I can only admire what she has made of her life, as the aftermath is truly a living death.

  15. Lace Valentine

    Oh, you do get that I was joking about Jewel’s poetic output? She’s not on my coffee table…

  16. If she were, would there be room for your :java: ?

  17. Scarlet’s Walk? a “masterpiece”? that’s one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a very long time.

  18. Anna

    Actually, not bad for an eight year old.

  19. LaceValentine:

    Heh … yes, I did know that about Sappho and all that, hon … I’m one of those snobby artsy-fartsy dual liberal arts majors (English/Communications) with a minor in psychology … which means I’m going to be a lifetime student. :limp: (I’ve got the cliche beret and everything.)

    I was actually just interested in the publishing company. A friend of mine actually owns a women’s bookstore near where Dave lives (and where I used to live) … I should call her. It’s been a while … or I could just revisit one of my own bookshelves because I often find stuff I forgot I had. 🙄

    … oh, and don’t even get me started on Tori Amos.

    This kitty’s just gonna bite her tongue on the one.


    (I’d email LV myself right now but it’s almost 5 a.m. and I’m too damn lazy to go to my inbox.) 😛

  20. Dismayed English Major

    As a longtime reader of this site, it is hard to believe that a “snobby artsy-fartsy dual liberal arts majors (English/Communications) with a minor in psychology” could routinely have such appalling sentence structure.

    Remind me not to attend a Michigan college for my graduate work. 🙄

  21. mikeB

    Anyone taking bets on how long this “marriage” lasts? Nicky Hilton just ended hers. I better give her a few more days to get over it before I give her a booty call.

  22. Be careful, Mike. Nobody can guarantee where she’s been. :dead:

  23. Lace Valentine

    Nikki: A girl laying herself down on one’s coffee table could mean only one thing, I think. I’d skip the coffee and go straight for the pie. 😀

    Stacy the beret wearing girl: I only gave details because you wrote, “I’d like more information on those books. I don’t know anything about them.” But if you have a friend who owns a bookstore, then you must be well read. 😛 It’s a osmosis thing whether one cracks a book cover or not. It’s like wearing a Lou Reed T-shirt, your I.Q. immediately rises a few points. 😀 (Just Joshing). If you enjoy psychology, you might like the Jungian Astrology books of Liz Greene.

    Hope your calico is happy as catnip. I’ve tamed a wild cat over the last six months from the backwoods. She’s black with white throat and paws and has finally allowed me to hold and pet her. I call her Lil 8 (like an 8 ball; plus cats have the magician’s halo over their heads moving in infinite synergy if you look real close) Cats truly are Zen.

  24. … and by the way … when it counts … I know how to use my prowess.

    But online, especially in the comments of a fun website, I don’t give a flying fuck.

    I also have much more class than to make personal attacks at somebody I don’t know from Adam.


  25. Yes, play nicely kids. I don’t want to close off comments or start blocking IP ranges. 😐

  26. Aw man, now I have to go wash my eyes…

  27. Ted

    For the love of God, someone please make her stop! Britney, walk away from the pen and paper, there you go….. all better!

  28. Kimberly

    Oh wow. 😛 Yuck.

  29. verago

    One question to Britney:
    What the HECK have you been smoking?! I want some…Good poetry…especially throwing the man down. :wang: lol

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